AIBU to think that every new/first time parent struggles or did we just not cope very well?

[SlB09]

Do we all struggle?! Or just me?! My friend had a baby boy 4weeks ago, first child and has literally just seemed to carry on (other than the first few days) and seems fine. We are close so it's not like the fine from a distance type of thing. Had an instrumental/difficult birth/stitches and has started excercising today, lucky in that baby breastfeeding without any problems, doesn't seem phased by it all. I feel like I was a total mess at 4weeks post birth that's pelvic floor couldn't hold up to excercise and that was with a no intervention/vaginal delivery. Was just getting over the shock of having a baby and the whole thing was surreal! Now I'm feeling like a complete inadequate weak flake who just made a mountain out of a molehill!!AIBU?!

When DD1 came home I found it genuinely easy to fit her into my/our life. We still ate in good restaurants, we slept enough to feel reasonable, we each maintained a social life. DD was EBF but took bottles of expressed milk and DH always took on the fair share.

Adding DD2 into the mix was a massive shock as she didn't fit in AT ALL.

Not everyone struggles 0-1 but may then struggle more 1-2

Stop comparing. Nowt to be gained. That is all!

I think everyone struggles in different ways. Each baby and birth is so different and each new mother is different so i don't think you really can really compare

You're not a snowflake tho

I think I cried every day for 6 weeks, and wondered what the hell I had done. Second time I was emotionally better, but still struggled. BF was horrendous, sleep also horrendous, pelvic floor fell out altogether. Was grim.

YANBU at all, I was in that shocked/dazed state for weeks, different circumstances but even after bringing my twins home from NICU I don’t think I got anywhere near “together” within that first year, physically or mentally. Don’t worry OP you’re not weak, we all experience pregnancy/childbirth differently and I’ll say this with only good will, do not compare yourself to your friend, that way madness lies 😊

Congratulations on your baby and try to enjoy it where you can @SIB09

Physically I was pretty much normal after birth, vaginal birth, no tears- breast fed without issues, never felt hormonally off- however the exhaustion was horrendous and killed me!!! Everyone is different, all experiences are different- she might find it harder when her kid is a toddler

When I had dd2 I felt like someone had taken my life, packed it neatly into a box and threw in a hand grenade. The sleep deprivation, the anxiety, the colic. I honestly stood at the top of the stairs once, willing myself to have the balls to throw myself down in the hope I'd break my legs. My reasoning was, they let you sleep in hospital.

Dd1 not 2

Not everyone struggles. Depends on loads of factors. Age & health of mother, what support she has available, how baby sleeps/settles/feeds etc, whether mum gets PND or even the 3 day blues. (Lots don’t.) even the circumstances around the pregnancy or family circumstances will affect how you cope. Everyone’s different.

Thanks all, I will say my child is 2 1/2 now so not exactly comparing like for like.

Totally struggled with all of them! Babies are insanely demanding. The only difference with later babies is you know how hard it's going to be, but also you are more tired.

But some women have easy births, easy babies, lots of support. Some women cope better without sleep. Just the way it is.

@Whatsername177 this exactly!!

I found having a baby easy and couldn't believe how well I adjusted... Fast forward a few years and I struggled to cope. Dd1 is 7 and ds is 1. My anxiety levels are through the roof, I have no patience and am hormonally imbalanced. We all struggle OP. We just need to talk about it more openly. I hate the constant nature of parenting and the fact I never get down time. Our daughter is nearly 8 and has NEVER slept through the night - it's torture.

I had my first DS 12 weeks ago, easy pregnancy, textbook water birth, no stitches & breast feeds like a dream but I’ve still struggled massively with exhaustion & PND and only just feel like I’m getting my life back in some semblance of order now. From the outside though I’ve appeared to have my shit together since day one, I’m good at putting a front on to the outside world and everyone assumes your fine if you didn’t have a complicated birth.
Everyone’s journey is different, I think it’s fine if you bounce straight back and fine if it takes you a few weeks to adjust, we’re all just doing our best!

I was like you - looking back childbirth injury that was ignored, post natal anxiety, needy baby, fairly useless husband. I felt like a complete and utter failure while my nct buddies were coming roasts, running 5ks.

Every woman is different, every baby, every husband - don't beat yourself up, enjoy the parts you're good at

I saw a private women's health physio who was wonderful and reassuring - that could help if you still have pelvic floor issues.

I didn’t feel normal for a year after DC1. I bled continuously for 5 months for a start. It was non stop from morning til night, I could barely get time to wash my hair, I was fat and bloated, everything hurt... meanwhile I had a friend who was poncing about in white jeans a week after the birth and went on an exotic holiday with her 6 week old (I would have been too worried about missing an HV appt)...

@MrsPworkingmummy that's really interesting, I find toddler way easier than baby but lots are the other way around! No right or wrong.

@babydungarees yes this does concern me that it's a front, I hope you continue to feel better however long that takes you will get there.

I guess it's just making me reflect back on a time I found really hard, and there's nothing wrong with that but just provoking some of the emotions I had then i suppose.

I struggled with my DD but in all honestly that was mostly down to her dad (my then DH) being a useless fuck who couldn't cope with it at all. I think if I'd had a partner who had even half stepped up I'd have been fine.

Everyone is different. I found the baby stage was easy...they poo, wee, eat, sleep, cry. Was kinda simple and meant to got to watch pretty much whole of dawsons creek. The toddler stage has tested me and tbh i ve struggled. Dd just coming out of that but im learning that three year olds are alot harder than toddlers...saying that dd is fun now too. My dsis said aged 6-8 easiest for her. Now pre teen its hard again. Every stage brings fun, delights and challenges and everyone copes differently. Dont compare x

I found the early days when DC4 was a born a complete blur.
DC3 was 16 months and I was doing the school drop off for my older two on auto pilot then going home and mostly collapsing on the sofa until 2:45.
I was talking to a school Mum the other day and she said she felt like a failure in comparison to me as I just popped out two babies in two years and cracked on with life, I remember thinking when her youngest was a newborn she must have her shit together as she always had hair and make up done for school drop off.

Honestly with dd1 my life just carried on as normal.
No problems and I didn't really suffer with sleep deprivation.
Dd2 on the other hand. It was a total shock to the system

I thought I was OK at the time with DS1, but I look back and realise that I sort of emerged from a fog at 10 weeks or so. I've got vague memories of that period but they are just that - vague. They are not happy.

Much much better with DS2 - still knackered but I did actually love him from the start. Most I could say about DS1 is that I was intensely interested in him, which is not quite the same as love.

I had hyperemesis during pregnancy then lost quite a bit of blood during delivery and was on iron tablets, even though DD slept like teenager I can honestly say I’ve never felt so exhausted, I couldn’t even walk up the stairs to bed without DH helping me.

I know exactly what you mean. I was the first of my group to have a baby. The first 10 weeks were a shit show, he cried for hours and hours at night, only slept on my chest and refused a bottle or soother. He’s almost 11 months and has only recently started sleeping. I just assumed this is what life with a new baby was like.....
Well there’s a couple of other babies on the scene now and I can’t believe how different my friends experiences are to mine. Their babies fall asleep ON THEIR OWN IN A COT!?! They all have routines with their 6 week olds!
I think it depends an awful lot on the temperament of the baby, at least that’s what I’m telling myself.....

Every baby is different and every family has it,s own dynami. So perhaps she is having a easier baby then you. So What perhaps her toddler will be more difficult. Were not all the same, and we all cope with things in a different way.