AIBU to think that every new/first time parent struggles or did we just not cope very well?

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Do we all struggle?! Or just me?! My friend had a baby boy 4weeks ago, first child and has literally just seemed to carry on (other than the first few days) and seems fine. We are close so it's not like the fine from a distance type of thing. Had an instrumental/difficult birth/stitches and has started excercising today, lucky in that baby breastfeeding without any problems, doesn't seem phased by it all. I feel like I was a total mess at 4weeks post birth that's pelvic floor couldn't hold up to excercise and that was with a no intervention/vaginal delivery. Was just getting over the shock of having a baby and the whole thing was surreal! Now I'm feeling like a complete inadequate weak flake who just made a mountain out of a molehill!!AIBU?!

DS as a baby was easy - he arrived in 3h and 20 mins and slept through from 6 weeks.

He was a nightmare toddler though - once he could walk he could run and he was on reins until he was 4.

This thread is making me feel so much better - I've had the day from hell with my 5 week old, we're both full of cold and I haven't slept in days, my c section is infected and my boy just isn't happy no matter what I do. I've been sat here in tears with him zonked out (finally) across me and this thread has helped to stop me feel like such a failure today. Thank you for sharing your stories everyone x

All different I expect.

When ds1 was born I found it relatively easy. I recovered quickly, he slept well, he was an easy going baby I just sort of carried on, having a baby didn't stop me from doing anything. Don't get me wrong, it was still life changing and it had its moments, but on the whole it was all ok.

When ds2 was born it was completely different, it was awful, I already had a child and ds2 was a nightmare baby, sick all the time, never slept, wouldn't be put down, didn't like the pram, didn't like anything.

As they both get older they each bring their challenges in different ways.

I struggled during my pregnancy as I got pregnant at 17 so I found it hard to come to terms with it, but when my dd was born I found it very easy and i absolutely love her (she’s 4 now). Everyone struggles in different ways.

Your friend sounds like me when I had dd1 when I was 24...you sound like me when I had ds2 at age 34! Going from being energetic, young and having a very sleepy relaxed baby to 10 years later... lacking energy, baby wouldn’t sleep, colic, sick all the time, I cried for 2 months.

Depends on baby and stage of life. Chin up :)

With my first I was ok to start with, I even went back to my studies really quickly but at about 16 weeks my DS decided he didn’t want to sleep, we suddenly had BF issues and everything that I thought I had sorted went to shit.

@bananaontoast1 glad it's made you feel better, it is a tough ride sometimes!!

@Alwaysoverthinkingit34 were both late 30's first timers so I was knackered anyway

Seems very much a baby temperament thing from your responses. I did have tongue tie, reflux, colic, screaming, not sleeping, feeding issues, allergies, late milestones child so maybe contributed somewhat.

It is also nice to hear though that some people did love that first year (all the weirdos with lots of children )

a) What you see isn't always the full truth, even if you're a good friend. I felt like I was really lost and struggling when DS was tiny, but people - people I knew well - kept telling me I was floating through it, making it all look easy, etc - I have no idea why but I was obviously managing to get my game face on! I think it was partially because my coping mechanism was to get out of the house as much as possible - I remember people being impressed that I was out and about with him within days, but I couldn't understand how I could possibly have coped being stuck in the house any longer! It probably looked like I was really together but actually the thought of being at home all day with the baby made me feel panicky.

B) I think we all have our times. When DS was a newborn I worried that I just wasn't cut out to be a mother because I found it so tedious, but I absolutely love being the mother of an 18 month old and I think I'm ok at it. I met up with some antenatal group friends and they were saying they had found having a tiny baby easier than a toddler and I honestly thought they were joking at first because that's so far from my own experience so far - but obviously we all have our own experiences and favourite stages and they're all just as valid and real!

I can hand on heart say I didn't struggle with my first or second but that's because I was lucky enough to have had 2 perfect, textbook babies.
I wondered why people thought it was so hard! They were a breeze!
However I was in for a rude awakening with number 3!
It's easy to assume people are doing it better than you but you don't see the breakdowns at 3am and pacing the floors with a refluxy or teething baby.
Be kind to yourself, all of us are pretty much winging it when it comes to parenthood.

When I had ds nr 14 yrs ago. I found it really easy from what I remember

With toddler dd again it was like starting again.. Really easy.. The only difficulty was the sleep regression phases.

However I'm due this month and I know it's not gonna be the case this time round. A. Toddler and a baby.. A toddler that will want to constantly pick baby up.. A toddler that for the majority of the day is like an only child and has my full attention even when ds and dh get home. It's all about her..

I think some are just luckier. And I also think it depends how your life was prior?

Some good friends of ours always did their own thing as and when they pleased. Even as married they still did lots of seperate things.. More than most couples they have a 6m.old and I think they struggle with how life changed and how time consuming a baby is

I stayed in hospital overnight after my pfb and all ok - but the first night I was home - I honestly thought I'd made a terrible mistake! One of my friends had just had her 2nd child and I remember thinking she was mad! Why would anyone do it twice?! I'd had a very long labour, ended up having an epidural, found it all quite traumatic (and wonderful too), stiches - was in pain and exhausted and struggling to breastfeed.

Second baby - no pain relief, only 6 hour labour during the daytime- got to hospital with her crowning and pushed her out in 7 min! No stitches needed, bfing came easy. Was out within 3 hours. Not tired, not in pain - such a different experience!

DD2 was a dream, dead easy. DD1 however was a nightmare, colicky, screamed all. The. Time. I was a mess for around 12 weeks until she started to get better.

Depends on the baby and how chill you are and supported you are.

Everyone and every baby are different. I found the whole baby thing really easy with all 3 of mine. What I didn't find easy however was the teenage/young adult stuff. Karma always gets you in the end. Give me a newborn any day!!

Nah I was horrifically bad after my daughter. It was literally one of the darkest times of my life. She had severe reflux, didn't feed or sleep well, I had an unchecked infection and following that needed surgery. Horrid. Even without those things I can't see how it's not pretty difficult. I know what you mean though. I feel like some mothers it's just like they got a new fashion accessory and nothing much changed.

I present as someone who's adapted well. My LB is 10 weeks. I had a fast traumatic birth. A nasty tear and I struggled to adapt.

I've learnt I hide my emotions very well and get comments I look amazing and manage well. I burst into tears a number of times as the professionals were not hearing me as I present well. Please don't assume people adapt easily. We all have our struggles. I'm getting better at making myself heard as well.

I struggled enough to know I wouldn’t cope at all well with a second. We’re all different.

You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. I was that "perfect" mother; racing half marathons at 2 months postpartum, back in my size 10 jeans straight away, full face of makeup every time I went out. But I was having debilitating panic attacks as I couldn't cope with the stress of no sleep, bf, getting back to work, etc. It's hard!

I think it’s partly luck and partly how the baby is fed. I speak from experience.
My 1st baby was an easy birth but BF was horrendous, I felt like I had a baby constant attached to me and I hated it. It affected our bond and 13 years later we still aren’t that close and I can see how it stems from those first few weeks.
2 and 3rd babies were again east births and both bottle fed. The difference was incredible. I probably look like one of those mums who has it together, I have a 2 year old and a 4 month old. I don’t leave the house without make up on, because it makes me feel better, I took make up to the hospital to use after the births. I like to look and feel nice.
Don’t get me wrong I have times where I don’t feel great, but for me choosing to bottle feed from birth made things 100x easier than with my 1st.

I found the newborn stage incredibly difficult. I didn't have the marvellous, magical falling in love with my baby moment when she was born (although it hit me full force a few weeks later, thank God) so I felt guilty about that and an overwhelming sense of pity for my DD, that she was unloved and unwanted. Sleep deprivation was horrendous. I remember saying 'she's ALWAYS HERE' - there was no respite from her existence and needs. I felt an odd sense of being frightened a lot of the time, dread I suppose, and I didn't want to be on my own with her - not for any specific reason, just empty fear. I sobbed one morning in January (DD was about six weeks) when everyone was going back to work after Christmas, I was desperate to join them, to be part of normal life. But things did pick up and now I have a three year old I completely adore and enjoy enormously. I'm not trying for another one though!

Tbh, that newborn period was the best of my life so far. I took to it like a duck to water, i was in a state of bliss, really! Very content.

Dont worry, it all went to complete shit 18mo later, my life has largely been hell ever since and i struggle with 8yo DD before anyone thinks im bragging!

Stop comparing yourself and your baby to others, they might have been fine through this life stage and you may sail though other life stages that they stumble and fall

The main thing is to be kind, to yourself and cut some slack when you stumble

I struggled massively. Hated my life for the first 8 weeks. Yanbu.

My first child was a ridiculously easy baby, but I still felt overwhelmed most of the time. He did sleep very well. He became an adorable toddler so we decided to have number 2.
Felt ill permanently when pregnant. Ds2 arrived 4 weeks early by emcs. He was supposed to spend a minimum of 24 hours in special care but was let out early. I suspect this was down to the fact he wouldn't stop crying all the time.
He didn't sleep. Cluster fed all the time. Cried all the time. Vomited multiple times a day. It didn't feel real. I didn't feel real. Ds1 went from angelic cherub to demon spawn. It was like he was saving it all up to age 3 and then let it out just as ds2 was bringing his own hell.
Ds2 is almost 6 now and finally learned to sleep at age 3. I still haven't recovered. I love that boy to bits but I am broken. My mental and physical health tanked. I'll probably never be off AD's now.
I have been accused of looking like I had it all together. I can only assume the person in question needed an eye test pronto.

I can remember one morning where I hadn’t slept and felt dreadful and then it took me so much longer to get ready because the baby wouldn’t nap and then in the end I gave up and didn’t have a shower and scraped my hair into a bun. I missed breakfast and there was no coffee and then just as I was about to leave the baby did a back covering shit. I already had my coat on so tried to get him dressed but then got poo on my coat and then had to wear one that was too tight because I was too fat and then I missed the bus and then the next one had too many pushchairs on so by the time I got into town I had cried my eyes out and I was STARVING. Went and got a massive coffee and a toastie and a fat cake and stuffed them all in my mouth.

Finally felt a bit more human and then bumped into a friend who had a baby the same age who looked AWFUL.

She burst into tears and spent ten minutes telling me what a difficult time she’d been having because the baby was only seeking from 11-5 (!!!!!) and I didn’t get a word in edgeways

When I left her I carried on walking and caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror in the shop ping centre and I genuinely did a double take because I looked SO good which was very unusual!!!

The combination of a very high bun, leftover make up, an orange sweatshirt and a pink coat just massively worked.

Just because someone looks great doesn’t meant they feel great xxx

Comparison is definitely the thief of Joy.

Yes we and our babies are all different.

Baby blues hit 24 hours after birth and I just wanted to be home. DC had colic and kept detaching, I hadn't slept in 48 hours. at 2am I was walking round the ward crying and was signing papers so I could be discharged so DH could pick me up to go home. Things settled once home.

But once DH was back at work. He only had one day off in 3 months as his Boss was a cunt and was making DH pay for having 3 weekends off in row because he took his 2 weeks PL. DH did his best to support me but was utterly knackered himself.

I remember having coffee with a group of new mum friends I'd met through antenatal classes, and them all saying how excited they were that it was a Bank holiday and their DHs would be home an extra day this weekend to take the pressure off, and how they lived for the weekends when their DHs were home. I just burst into tears as I didn't even know what fucking day it was and hadn't had DH at home for even one weekend.

But then some mums don't have partners at all or army wives with partners away. They could compare to me and feel I was lucky because at least DH was home on an evening.

I had no support network my Mum was too busy with her life and categorically said she wouldn't be babysitting or spending her time helping. My dad was next to useless. DH parents were too elderly to help.

life got easier once I went back to work part time when DC was 4/5 months.

I had PND when I had DC2 and DC1 was a toddler.

We're all different.