AIBU to think that every new/first time parent struggles or did we just not cope very well?

[SlB09]

Do we all struggle?! Or just me?! My friend had a baby boy 4weeks ago, first child and has literally just seemed to carry on (other than the first few days) and seems fine. We are close so it's not like the fine from a distance type of thing. Had an instrumental/difficult birth/stitches and has started excercising today, lucky in that baby breastfeeding without any problems, doesn't seem phased by it all. I feel like I was a total mess at 4weeks post birth that's pelvic floor couldn't hold up to excercise and that was with a no intervention/vaginal delivery. Was just getting over the shock of having a baby and the whole thing was surreal! Now I'm feeling like a complete inadequate weak flake who just made a mountain out of a molehill!!AIBU?!

It was tough - she didn’t sleep through until about 8 months or so. It was the sleep deprivation that I hated - having to function on nights and nights of just a few hours of very interrupted sleep was so hard. I did enjoy some of it, but was relieved when we had got through the first year. I’m very protective over my sleep now and still great at napping!
I also didn’t have that rush of love. I learnt to love her over time.

I gave birth at 23, forceps, episiotomy, 3rd degree tear and then a haemorrhage. 3 days postpartum I walked miles and dragged my pram up stairs. 2 weeks pp I was having a normal sex life again. I breastfed without any major issues and solved blocked ducts easily. I was gently exercising after a week and also doing normal life the day after he was born. I just carried on. I don't feel special for it, it's just what happened.

I think it does also depend what kind of person you are in general - people on MN talk about the early cluster feeding days as 'oh, it's bliss, an excuse to just sit on the sofa watching Netflix for weeks'. I have never in my life wanted to spend even one whole day on the sofa. I felt like I was under house arrest.

I think it's baby dependent, support dependent and also depends on the mums temperament.

I had hard, difficult pregnancies and both times having a baby was a joy in comparison. Finding myself in a wheelchair for months before, in agony and trying to look after a toddler is the hardest thing I've ever done. Babies were a toddle for me in comparison. And rather than baby blues, I got just really happy and hyper instead.

I never got stuck on the sofa, I just strapped baby to my chest and breastfed on the go. I was back to baking, hosting parties, going out with friends, sex, you name it within a couple of weeks. It was great.

Toddlers are more tricky, but honestly I enjoy them too.

The whole balancing parenthood and work I struggle with, and pregnancy, but babies themselves I found blissful. Oh, and no they weren't and still aren't good sleepers, my second had a touch of colic.

I found the baby part quite easy. Having a 7yo though. OMG. It's a marathon, not a sprint!

They're small people and people have their own, sometimes very annoying, personalities.

Personally I had so struggle at all from 0-1. Episiotomy that healed within a week but I just found it so easy for our eldest to fit into our lives.

Second son gave my bowel incontinence for 3 weeks. I shat myself in public twice during that time - luckily no one but my husband and I knew. I struggled finding an appropriate routine initially and it felt like, for the first three months, I was caught in a hurricane.

I was a wreck for months after dc1 - difficult birth and velcro baby. 11weeks post partem with dc2 and I've felt right as rain for weeks - was out and about really quickly, went to a family party at 4 weeks, I'd been dreading Christmas with a 2 month old staying with relatives but it was lovely. It makes such a difference having a calm delivery (I had an elcs with dc2) and a baby who actually sleeps!

I found the first 12 months incredibly hard to the point where we choose not to have a second child because I couldn’t face putting myself through that again.
DD is 9 now and is an absolute joy. I have loved every stage with her from about 12 months but the first year was hell.

depends on the mums temperament
Yes I probably had devastating PND because I didn’t try hard enough. If only I’d got up off that sofa. Thank for your insight.

I never got stuck on the sofa, I just strapped baby to my chest and breastfed on the go. I was back to baking, hosting parties, going out with friends, sex, you name it within a couple of weeks. It was great.

I guess this is the bit I don't get about people who go on about how brilliant newborns are because you can strap them on and do what you fancy - that's true to an extent, but to me it always felt like a worse, inconvenient version of what I did before. Like sure, I could go for a 10 mile hike with a baby on my chest, or to an art gallery (once my stitches had healed, which took about two months before I could walk without pain), but I could do those things before without a baby on my chest, and it is much worse doing them with a baby on my chest! I found the work-reward ratio pretty rubbish with a newborn - toddler DS is probably more work in some ways than as a newborn, but he's also so much more fun and rewarding.

I hated being on maternity leave - I felt like I was unemployed, I desperately missed my work and intelligent adult company, I felt anxious being responsible for a fragile baby’s wellbeing, I was isolated hundreds of miles from my nearest relatives and all my friends were out at work all day.
I became mildly depressed, and I didn’t feel any emotional bond with the baby for about four months - I just dutifully went through the motions of caring for her.
Thankfully, at four months I threw in the towel and went back to work, which was a game changer. My mood lifted, I looked forward to seeing the baby when I got home, she became more interesting and interactive, she would laugh and participate in play, etc. As I got to know her personality, I grew to love her.
The first few months were just a boring grind of nappies, mopping up vomit and faeces, and walking the floor trying to settle a crying baby, especially when teething. It seemed to take all day to do the minimum of chores, and I was often in a dressing gown until lunchtime.
I was fortunate that I was used to coping with sleep deprivation (I was a hospital doctor!) and DD slept through the night from eight weeks, which helped.
I’d say to any new mum, don’t make comparisons with others to your own detriment, don’t set impossible standards, and as long as baby is fed, changed and cared for, then you’re doing ok.
The awful first few months will pass, you will eventually feel better and begin to reclaim your life. Once your baby becomes a toddler who can talk to you, they are hilarious and adorable, and it all seems worthwhile!

@gamerwidow

FFS, it's not 'not trying hard enough' but they we are all different. Some people love the idea of sitting and watching box sets, others find it claustrophobic. Some people survive ok on less sleep. Some people are better with multitasking. Some people require constant mental stimulation which you don't get from a newborn. Saying that some people's temperament works better with a newborn than others is no different from some people being better suited to particular jobs. Its nothing about trying hard, or intelligence.

@LisaSimpsonsbff

Yeah, it's not as convenient, but normally you don't have so much time off, so you have more time to deal with the inconvenience. And tbh, if they are on your back, it's very little inconvenience, and in the early weeks on the front, it's just like being pregnant again, so not a shock to the system.

I guess because everyone told me how it was like throwing a grenade in life, how you couldn't carry on doing the same stuff etc, I was surprised how much I could do with a baby attached.

Hugtheduggee
It may not have been your intention but the examples you use ie getting off the sofa implies that those who struggled chose to sit in their arse instead of getting on which I can assure you is not the case.
It’s great you found it easy, I don’t want people to struggle like I did, but to imply that you’re just a doer who just cracks on is dismissive to all of us who tried hard and did go out and do all the ‘right’ things and still struggled.

Everyone's stories are so different but seems like feeding and sleeping issues/problems are the common denominator is many of those who struggled.

Also if you outwardly looked fine and got o. With things would you have wanted someone to sit you down and see if you were ok or just 'get through it'?

A lot of it is luck. I had a friend who bounced back well from her delivery, no mood issues with hormones after the birth. The baby woke every four hours at night for a quick feed but slept well in general and was never really a fussy baby even when teething. Friend was also laid back in nature. She coped absolutely fine with it all. I think in her case it was all very easy. Others have found it much more difficult - baby blues or PND, harder physical recovery (and not always just because birth was difficult), more difficult babies, some of us just stress and worry more too. There really is a spectrum of chaos unleashed when a baby is born.