Wedding invite AIBU?

[sunshine11]

Invited to a wedding at the other end of the country. It’s on a school day and hubby has something else on so won’t go. Whilst I’d love to see friend get married (and we go way back) it’s a lot of money and travel for a wedding where I’ll know hardly anyone.

Have RSVPd no and am now being given the cold shoulder. I thought a wedding was an invite not a summons - AIBU or is the bride?

Think you’re being a bit sensitive here

When u do a weekday wedding you run the risk of people declining! It’s cheaper for the couple, but that’s the trade off!

When you get married midweek ( I've done it) you have to be prepared lots won't come (good way of keeping numbers down). She's being silly.

Don’t feel bad, the number of people I’ve seen fall out over weddings is ridiculous but if she’s expecting you to drive 7 hours each way on your own for a weekday wedding then that’s just not reasonable.

YANBU to decline a mid-week wedding miles away.

YABU to tell her you can come but don't want to.

@JosefKeller of course I didn’t say that.
I explained that although I’d love to go it was a long way to go on my own and that I couldn’t afford it.

What I didn’t say but felt was that had it been nearer so I didn’t have to stay over (have any of you gone to a wedding on your own for the whole event and really enjoyed the 10 hours not knowing anyone but the bride?) I would have gone. Or if my hubby and kids were able to go.

I hadn’t thought of a plus one but I doubt any of my married with kids friends would be able to take the weekend off to go to a strangers wedding, isn’t that a bit weird? Plus I know the bride wouldn’t want a stranger there!

Cost is a big problem too - I costed it at around £500 all in - I don’t have that kind of money sitting around. Does everyone else on mumsnet?

That said perhaps I should put all that aside to make her happy - drive 7 hours each way to spend a whole day and evening in the company of strangers and spend £500 for the pleasure!

Some interesting views I’ve not thought about so thank you for comments.

It seriously depends OP. If any part of your excuse was 'i don't want to hang around with people i don't know' as the bride i would have been livid. How rude. No one came to your wedding to socialise with Aunt Doris and your school friends!

If all you said was 'so sorry, i would absolutely love to and am so sorry but i have childcare difficulties that weekend and while we've workshopped extensively to try and get around it the travel time makes it regrettably impossible' then obviously she is being unreasonable (if she is ignoring you, which as PP have said, she might not be).

"It's an invitation not a summons" is advice given on mumsnet for people fretting about attending or not.

It's not holy catechism, and has no bearing whatsoever on the feelings of the person who receives the decline.

Yes, there were people at my wedding who I would have blithely not missed. But if certain people had declined for some of the reasons you see on mumsnet, I would have been hurt.

(That very much aside, of course you are perfectly entitled not to go, and the main reason of a long round trip midweek is perfectly sound. But you shouldn't fall into the trap of thinking that trite soundbites from mumsnet are the be all and end all.)

I have been to weddings where I knew no one apart from the bride. Not usual my favourites, but worth it to be there for someone I care about. And I've driven that far for weddings. I also can't quite work out how it would be quite so expensive.

Having said that, unless your wording was rude when you declined, the bride would be unreasonable to be angry at you. Midweek, 7 hours away, is a big ask.

That said perhaps I should put all that aside to make her happy - drive 7 hours each way to spend a whole day and evening in the company of strangers and spend £500 for the pleasure!

why are you so unpleasant? You asked the question, and pretty much everybody always agree that if it's not convenient for whatever reason, you don't go.

Making it clear to the bride that you can't be bothered is not nice.

Not sure why you would need to spend £500 if you are driving!
She is getting married where she grew up, sounds lovely. Of course it's not a summon, but when it's a friend, you can be nice about it.

What I didn’t say but felt was that had it been nearer so I didn’t have to stay over (have any of you gone to a wedding on your own for the whole event and really enjoyed the 10 hours not knowing anyone but the bride?) I would have gone. Or if my hubby and kids were able to go.

Yes. I took a 15 hour train ride and a 3.5 hour bus then was driven back by her bil (he was going the same way) to take another bus (3 hours) to another city so I could fly home only to miss connecting flight due to my original flight being late, ended up having to stay overnight in hotel which was free to intend my best friend’s wedding and would have done so if I hadn’t been in the wedding party. She had moved before they were engaged so I could have declined if I wanted to. I was in the middle of planning my own wedding which was barely three months from hers. I only met her father once years ago, never met her fiancé in person, so only really knew her. I was also working two part-time jobs on top of doing freelancing. I had months in advance to prepare so looked into different ways of getting there and back and doing the route I did was the cheapest, saying that I had family to stay with overnight so didn’t have hotel costs to consider.

Cost is a big problem too - I costed it at around £500 all in - I don’t have that kind of money sitting around. Does everyone else on mumsnet?
There are people from all backgrounds on MN. Not everyone has £500 to spare but plenty do have.

I got married mid week, in half term (to accommodate teacher guests and family children), not local to either side, several years ago and fully expected a lot of people not to be able to come. Luckily most of our guests did! But I didn't punish or ignore those who couldn't make it. We're still friends. It's just one day!
I've gone to many far away wedding where I didn't know anyone except the bride/groom but always with my husband. In all honestly if I didn't know anyone else there I would do the same in your position. You can't be that close a friend if you don't know any of her family or other friends either. You've done the right thing.

If you're going to organise a wedding on a weekday, you have to expect that some people can't/won't want to take a day off work to attend - or more than one day if it's bloody miles away!

I once had a friend decline an invitation to my wedding, I didn’t mind at all but I had so much going on at that time, it took me ages to respond. My the time I remembered, she had blocked me! I don’t know if she thought I’d been blanking her, but I’m still upset by it now

£500? Come on!

If you don't have fly and HAVE to stay in some specific resort, why on earth would you need to spend £500 when you are driving. I know trains get expensive in this country, but with a car? Meaning you are also very flexible about accomodation

I once had a friend decline an invitation to my wedding, I didn’t mind at all but I had so much going on at that time, it took me ages to respond. My the time I remembered, she had blocked me! I don’t know if she thought I’d been blanking her, but I’m still upset by it now
My bet is that this is exactly what's happening here. Chill out OP, your friend is probably not bothered and will get back in touch later. You couldn't go, and she's too busy to reassure you because right now she's not thinking about you. Do not overreact!

What country is the wedding located in? Why would it cost £500 if you’re driving?

It's obvious you just don't want to go. You're just making excuses. So don't go. Will a bunch of strangers on the Internet agreeing with you make you feel better?

Sorry to clarify cost - outfit, fuel, gift, accommodation (country hotel in middle of nowhere rooms £200) drinks, food other then wedding breakfast.

@JosefKeller I believe I was nice when speaking to the bride. I suppose my frustration lies in the way someone is behaving towards me when I politely, and I think justifiably, turned out an invitation.

That said, good to get opposing views, thank you.

Why do people pretend an "outfit" must be included in wedding costs?
Of course, you are free to buy whatever you fancy, but it's your choice, you really don't need to. You can buy very cheap outfits if you really live in joggers, or... wear something from your wardrobe, especially in a wedding where you don't know anyone anyway, so won't have a clue or care how old your clothes are.

country hotel in middle of nowhere rooms £200
I don't believe you can't find alternate accommodation for much cheaper.

Fine not to want to go, but no need to make up excuses.

I can easily believe rooms are £200 in the middle of nowhere. I once had a similar issue trying to sort cheap accommodation for a wedding and finding rooms in the area I was looking at were expensive.

Totally get you OP.
I've been to weddings alone, and even with one or two friends there I felt out of place and meh because everyone was coupled up. It's NOT FUN. You don't get to spend that much time with the bride either, so YANBU.

You didn’t want to go, you declined the invite, your friend is probably a bit hurt, that’s it.