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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invite AIBU?

83 replies

sunshine11 · 02/01/2020 21:59

Invited to a wedding at the other end of the country. It’s on a school day and hubby has something else on so won’t go. Whilst I’d love to see friend get married (and we go way back) it’s a lot of money and travel for a wedding where I’ll know hardly anyone.

Have RSVPd no and am now being given the cold shoulder. I thought a wedding was an invite not a summons - AIBU or is the bride?

OP posts:
1Morewineplease · 02/01/2020 23:28

Agree with previous poster that a mid-week wedding is not a great idea and as it’s such a long way and it’s inconvenient to you then you have every right to not accept the invitation.
It’s your friend’s fault, if she feels miffed.
However, could just you go up?

viques · 02/01/2020 23:29

I expect the bride is starting to realise that marrying on a weekday means a lot of people will decline the invitation. ..........oh and don't feel guilted into buying a special present OP, if you want to send a token gift then fine but if she's going to be snotty about something that was her choice in the first place then I would stick with a card.

AutumnRose1 · 02/01/2020 23:32

7 hours drive each way is just a mad request, midweek or not, whether you know more people or not.

It would mean much more for friendship to do that journey another time, or meet half way, and spend quality time together.

LagunaBubbles · 02/01/2020 23:32

Well that's just what people who choose to marry midweek undoubtedly to save themselves money will have to get used to, some people can't come.

Yeahnah2020 · 02/01/2020 23:35

Did she attend your wedding? I hate mid week weddings. One of my friends is having her wedding on a Thursday. Which is really irritating as it means I’m having to take 3 days off to get there and back. It’s pretty selfish in my opinion.

Fatted · 02/01/2020 23:40

If you would have gone with DH, I don't understand why you can't just take someone else along with you? I did this with a friend's wedding. DH didn't know anyone else attending, but one of our friends was invited to the night do, so I said they could tag along with me to the day do in place of DH.

PyongyangKipperbang · 02/01/2020 23:43

As has been pointed on here many times, people who choose to get married mid week so the wedding of their dreams is affordable to them, is just passing the cost on to their guests either literally in terms of holiday days from work, or practically in terms of travel for the length of stay etc.

A lot of guests will choose to not take that cost on, which is perfectly reasonable.

Sadly, she is probably arse deep in the craziness that is the wedding planning forum. She will be utterly convinced that to be invited is a huge honour and if you turn her down then you obviously dont give a shit about her and the Most Important Day Of My Life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She knows this as fact because other crazy brides are telling her so! That they are making it almost impossible for many guests to attend in order to have their sleb wedding on a budget, passes them all by.

Give her until a couple of months after the wedding. If she is usually a nice person then she will be suitably embarrassed and your friendship will recover.

BackforGood · 03/01/2020 00:01

If you’re going to get married mid-week and are expecting people to travel a long way, you need to be prepared for declines

This ^

I love a wedding, and would be quite comfortable going on my own but the fact it is midweek adds yet a further level of difficulty in terms of time off work, and arrangements for looking after dc, etc.

groovergirl · 03/01/2020 00:05

A midweek wedding seems very odd. The bride must have known that many guests would not be able to take time off.

Drum2018 · 03/01/2020 00:09

You'll not be the only one to decline a week day wedding. Forget about it. If she throws away a friendship that easily then let her off.

Danni12 · 03/01/2020 00:09

Mid week wedding absolutely miles away....pffft
A 14 hour round trip is a massive deal imo

gamerchick · 03/01/2020 00:09

I'd hazard a guess you aren't the only one who's not going OP. It's her own fault for not thinking it through properly. There's nothing you can do other than wait it out.

Frozenfan2019 · 03/01/2020 00:12

I voted YABU. If you really told her that you are not going because hubby isn't and you won't know anyone so it won't be much fun then that's rude.

You should really go if you can but if you have definitely decided not to the kind thing to do is say you have a prior commitment. It's a white lie to save her feelings.

You have essentially told her that watching her get married isn't important enough to you to make the effort. No wonder she is hurt.

Frozenfan2019 · 03/01/2020 00:14

Just to be clear it's not whether or not you go that's the issue it's the way you decline. I think you should have been tactful to save her feelings.

Christmasnamechange19 · 03/01/2020 00:14

It's possible that she's just busy with the planning. How often do you usually speak?

I got married in the south west on a Friday. My friend in the north east declined to come. I would have loved her to have been there but I was fine with her not as I understood. We've also turned down invites to weddings far away, that's just the way it goes.

Expressedways · 03/01/2020 00:20

I totally get why you’re not going, I wouldn’t either. But did you tell a white lie to spare her feelings and say that you and DH are both busy/can’t get time off work or were you more truthful and implied that you just didn’t want to go? But also probably loads of people have declined because of the inconvenience.

Ishotmrburns · 03/01/2020 00:22

I did explain my reasoning fully and as kindly as possible. I do want to see her get married but 7 hours drive each way to spend 24 hours with strangers is not my idea of fun!

If this is what you said I'm not at all surprised she's giving you the cold shoulder

Rosebel · 03/01/2020 00:25

14 hour round trip? I wouldn't even consider it tbh. YANBU. With a mid week wedding you always run the risk of people being unable to attend.

Letsnotusemyname · 03/01/2020 00:27

“It’s on a school day”

Op doesn't mention if its her children’s school day - or, as a teacher, hers?

At my last school people struggled to be allowed to go to in-law’s funerals let alone weddings. Even offering to go without pay.

whywhywhy6 · 03/01/2020 00:29

Are weddings ever convenient though? Honestly? You have to find child care, spend money on an outfit maybe and definitely a present, travel some distance, miss some other commitment or opportunity.... but isn’t that what we do to see a friend get married?

Maybe she isn’t such a good friend and therefore why do you care so much if she is upset? It’s more likely she’s busy planning her wedding anyway.

kateandme · 03/01/2020 00:38

what has she done/said to make you think she is hurt?

Beelzebop · 03/01/2020 01:21

Weekday weddings are a total pain. You aren't guaranteed who can actually come, and childcare is harder to sort. You are not being unreasonable.

LovePoppy · 03/01/2020 01:22

The fact that you told her you don’t want to spend time with strangers is what would hurt me

You should be traveling for the wedding

Not the guests

Fr0g · 03/01/2020 01:31

I hate big social events, esp when I don't know anyone, esp if I go on my own.
Suspect that she is simply busy with organising.
Suggest a meet up before the wedding, just the two of you - or after.
Planning details etc may be tedious, but appear enthusiastic.

I did this with a friend a few years ago when I couldn;t attend the wedding - we had a great evening, and she said is was great to have an evening off from all things wedding.

user1473878824 · 03/01/2020 01:31

I’m getting married on a Saturday and wouldn’t be cross if someone couldn’t attend, on a school day fuck that!

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