To feel like Iv wasted my life?

[Foxton20]

I had my first dd at 16 and then my second at 19. I ended up with extreme PND after my second child . I married my abusive ex at 22.I haven’t worked due to PND. I got divorced at 23 and met my now husband at 24. When I met Dh I was extremely unwell mentally. He was my rock and supported me financially. We now have a dd2 and he still supports us all financially. He’s absolutely fine with this and wants me to do whatever I feel is right. Iv loved every minute of dd2. No pnd and such a happy time but last year I was diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder and anxiety.

I decided not to work after dd2 was born as id just be paying for childcare and luckily we are ok financially.

Dd starts school in September and I will be 30. I feel like Iv wasted my life and I feel bloody awful about it. I feel like I’m nothing other than a mother. I feel absolutely awful for not contributing a penny towards the household.

I was extremely ill after my second child, my mum had just died and I’m lucky I didn’t.

I have no idea “who I am”. I want to work but have zero confidence or skills.

wtf do I do?!

If I’m reading that right you’re now 30ish?

Your life isn’t over! Use this time now like a fresh start, decide whether you want to go and make it happen.
Train in a new career. Do a university degree (there’s plenty of funding available for parents). Take up a sport/hobby.

Rather than looking at your troubled past and thinking it ruined your chances just see it as ‘I’m better now and I’m going to do X’

You've been a sahm that's not a waste. But now it's your time you could do a course or apply for part time job to fit in around school hours.

No way have you wasted your life at the age of 30! You've started a family and been a SAHM, loads of people do that. You've got potentially 40 years of working life ahead of you, if that's what you want - that's loads of time to study, train etc.

Try to reframe your thinking and see this as an opportunity - you're now ready to start the next chapter of your life.

Firstly, be kind to yourself. You have recovered from a serious illness, become a parent, escaped an abusive relationship that is quite a lot to have done.

Think about what interests you.
Do you want a job working with people, animals, numbers, children?
Indoors or Outdoors?
Do you want to make stuff with your hands?
Are you artistic?
Do you just want a job where you can turn up, do a days work and go home?

Have you any thoughts on what you'd like to do OP?

You’re not even 30! You probably have another 60 odd years of life ahead of you! You certainly haven’t wasted your life. You’re only a third of the way through. This is just the first stage. You’re being a mother and that’s a tough slog! Take the pressure off yourself. You’ve got a supportive husband, use the time when DD goes to school to get to know yourself, find out what you enjoy doing, get a hobby, volunteer, make new friends. stop beating yourself up- it won’t make the clock go backwards. The only thing you have control of is what you do going forward. Be kind to yourself. There’s plenty of time to find a career.

30? That's young! Honestly, from the perspective of a 53 year old (yup thats me) it's nothing. In fact I reckon employers would think you a great bet. You've had your family and the worst years of childcare are over.
Get some more education if you think its appropriate for you and what you want to do, and go for it! Honestly. Thirty? You're young x

Sounds like it's time to take action for yourself.

It's great that you've got this need now - dont be one of those people that moan but dont actually get up and do anything about it.

You have a great opportunity to work out what you want and go ahead and achieve the next success for your life.

Good luck

I'd love to turn the clock back to being 30. You have two children, have got yourself out of some horrible situations and now have a DH.
You have a lot to be proud of and many years and opportunities ahead of you. Please don't waste them by thinking of all the things you haven't done.

You have not wasted your life you have raised to DC under difficult circumstances. Looking after children is something to proud of and to your DC you are everything.

Now you have more time you can develop skills for your future. You are 30!! You have all the time in the world. Good luck.

I would love to work with adults who have learning disabilities. I have no idea how to even start something like that?

Doesn’t help that I have dyslexia so feel really stupid.

You’ve got to seize your opportunities now and grab life by the scruff of the neck.

Frankly, if 'all' you ever did was be a mother I would think that was a life well lived.

In reality, very few people really achieve anything of note or value when it comes to their jobs. Not that there is anything wrong with that in the first place, as most people on planet Earth throughout history have had to work to survive.

I think you are being far too hard on yourself. I think you need to give yourself time to recover from your illness and the loss of your mother and give your mental health chance to stabilise. Then when you feel better, you can begin to think about making changes if you want to.

Would volunteering be of interest to you? Sounds like your DH is happy to continue to support you whilst you explore options? It could be a good way to dip your toe into the work of work without committing yourself to too many hours. You've a lot going on with family life and need to think of your mental health too. Mencap have volunteering opportunities, or Google volunteering in your area.

You are not stupid op......you have raised youre children-a full time 365days of the year 24hours a day job!!
Now you have some time where you might like to do some volunteering or get a job where they provide training as you go.

Foxton

Did I hear that you left an abusive marriage at 22 and divorced your ex at 23 ?

clap clap* I applaud you. Well done. Good for you ! Do you know how many of my friends are in shit marriages and 20 years in they are still in it !!!

Your only 30 ! Peoples careers are just starting then. You have a family and have another child and you left an abusive relationship. Do you know how many people would love to be in your shoes ?

If you go to university or retrain... it may take 3-4 years Max- by then you'll be 35.

This life is so short. No self wallowing. Stand up and go after what you want. If you have the strong mentality to leave an abusive relationship you can do anything.

Oh... I had my first at 16 too

Thank you everyone!

I adore my Dc, I really do and I wouldn’t change them for the world. I was going down a bad path before I had dd1 so I actually think she saved me.

Im going to speak to Dh tomorrow when he finishes nights. He feels offended when I say I need a job to provide because he feels like I think he’s not doing a good job, which he bloody is!! The kids and I appreciate him so much.

Hi. I have BPD too and to think you’ve done all that isn’t a life wasted at all.
Definitely look into volunteering, that could be a great way into a new career.

Yanbu. You've got a wealth of life experiences and brought two kids into the world.
You're now relatively young and have the rest of your life to focus on work.
It is a good feeling to contribute financially however dont under value the other contributions you've made which are literally priceless.
Could you train or study? Or volunteer?

Hi OP. I left my abusive ex at 30. I am also dyslexic bit I have been able to do an access course and now a uni degree. There is lots of support if you have a learning difference. I have learning support assistant who helps me structure my assignments and proof reads them too. You could do learning disability nursing maybe? Anything is possible and having support at home will be a big help.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

Talk to the young women’s trust - they give free confidence and job coaching for women aged 16-30 and they are awesome

You want to work with adults with learning disabilities? Fantastic! And as a parent to two disabled toddlers, thank you for wanting to do such an important job.

Opposite me is a day Centre for disabled adults - they are always hiring, for all sorts of roles. I am sure if you expressed that it’s something you’re passionate about then there’d be a job at a place like that for you, even without qualifications or experience.

Years ago I applied for a job in a care home for disabled adults. I didn’t have any experience and didn’t need any - they were going to support me to get qualifications while I worked there.

You’re only 30! I’m going to be almost 40 by the time my twins are school age and I’m planning to get my masters when they do. You’ve got a good 30-40 years of working age left, don’t give up before you’ve even begun. You can do it!

30 is still very young and people are changing jobs, lives all the time.

Go on to you local NHS Trust job web site. You will find HCA (health care assistant) roles, working with people with disability roles etc.

What appear like the most basic roles will always lead to more with support at work and extra training to help you move up the ladder if you wish.

Also look at roles at the local NHS Community trust which will be slightly different to the main local NHS trust for the hospitals etc.

Good luck, you will find something that suits you.

Don't be put off by the application form. Just look at the job description and job specification and find something no matter how small to write about yourself for that section. Write it out on a Word document first then copy and paste into the application form.

You're looking for a job because you want one, simple as that. The DC are starting School and you want to do something different with your life because you can and have that freedom and the extra cash is great as well obvs.

OP I have felt just like you but I've decided to give it my best shot this year and just start moving towards something. I am 31. Also had a child young. Crappy relationship too that has probably taken me 10 years to get over if I'm honest with myself. Never managed to complete any education past 16 despite getting good grades at GCSE and being "intelligent" - was diagnosed with ADHD age 28 which probably answers why I've never stuck at anything but it doesn't mean I can't do it.

I want to work in car safety/child safety either analysing crash risks and designing features for cars or safety seats, or demonstrating/educating on how to use them maybe training sales fitters or demonstrating new models. I think the whole area is fascinating. I've decided if I can't manage education (due to lack of funding, it will be) I will go in through sales, as I've worked in retail before and I can do that. But I'm also looking at re-doing some kind of access to higher education. I've also complicated things by moving to a non-English speaking country and then procrastinating on properly learning the language, but I'm doing something :) FWIW, most universities accept adult learners without A levels because you have life experience, so if there's an area you want to study or you're finding jobs you look at require a specific degree, try phoning your nearest HE college or university and asking to speak to their lifelong learning team.

I bet there would be plenty of routes into working with learning disabled adults. And a very rewarding career route as well. That your DH isn't stressing at you to bring in money is fantastic as it gives you all that freedom to take your time with studying - OU is also a really flexible and affordable option - and to try out different roles without necessarily NEEDING the money or having to think about stepping up - you can try various things. I would just start by looking at local job ads in newspapers, job websites and scouting around for services that run in your area for LD adults and seeing if they have vacancies on their website or just sending an email to ask them what kind of experience/qualifications they would be looking for. Then you know what to work towards. And I agree volunteer positions would be great for you as well.

You can frame it differently. You would like a job to allow you to grow and develop. You are not questioning your DH’s provider role.