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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents have not met Granddaughter

53 replies

jb191710 · 02/01/2020 14:06

Am I being unreasonable by stopping verbally inviting them to our house to meet our DD or sharing pictures of her with them?

My DH’s parents have not met their only grandchild. They live just under 3 hours away and have always come up with some excuse (can’t afford to get someone to look after their dogs, they are tired, they have colds, maybe next month....) They were really excited during the pregnancy and have sent gifts across at Christmas - so not ignoring completely.
It’s obviously frustrating / upsetting and embarrassing for my husband who wants them to meet and can’t understand why they aren’t. Additionally they are in their 50s so not old and drive for work, so the journey shouldn’t be an issue.

As the dil, I don’t want to cause any friction but do I say anything or let it run it’s course?

OP posts:
gypsywater · 02/01/2020 14:07

How old is she?

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 02/01/2020 14:09

If they are still sounding interested and involved I'd do nothing other than say it would be lovely to see them whenever they want to meet her. It might genuinely be that they had colds etc or it might be they were making excuses but if it's the latter I dont think they will admit the truth

Original poster
jb191710 · 02/01/2020 14:09

Oops, forgot to add. She’s 3 months old.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 02/01/2020 14:09

Let your husband arrange visits from his family

Nancynotfancy · 02/01/2020 14:16

My MIL has made no attempt to travel (2 hours train, doesn’t drive) to see either of her Grandaughters (6 and 2) We have taken them down to her occasionally but not so much now as quite frankly, I can’t be bothered to make the effort. She also doesn’t work so has plenty time and disposable income and expects me and DH to spend our weekends going to her. However, it’s her loss and I don’t worry about it. You can’t force them to come. Please don’t waste time stressing about it. Enjoy your baby.

Nanny0gg · 02/01/2020 14:17

I can't understand why your DH hasn't actually asked them about it.

messolini9 · 02/01/2020 14:17

Am I being unreasonable by stopping verbally inviting them to our house to meet our DD or sharing pictures of her with them?

No!
It's not your job to facilitate their relationship with their GD. It is up to your DH. They are all adults capable of maing their own arrangements - leave them to it, no matter how unsatisfactory you may find it.

TheMustressMhor · 02/01/2020 14:18

Were they hoping you'd have a boy?

My (ex) DH's parents only cam to see us when we had daughters. They had no interest in the sons.

Weird. But some people prefer babies of one particular sex.

NoSauce · 02/01/2020 14:19

That’s odd and pretty upsetting.

In your husbands shoes I would be asking my parents why they hadn’t been over!

Dipsydoodle · 02/01/2020 14:19

It's a bit weird, isn't it? My mum and stepdad (in their 60s) live 3 hours away but they come at least once a month and more like once every 2-3 weeks to see baby DD, plus we go down there once a month or so. I'd be pretty hurt if they hadn't bothered to drive to visit her once in three months, especially as they aren't elderly!

AryaStarkWolf · 02/01/2020 14:21

It is odd but I would stay out of it and let your DH decide tbh

nokidshere · 02/01/2020 14:36

Of course you would be unreasonable.

It's very petty to stop sharing pics or extending an invitation because they have had reasons for not coming before. They might not be reasons you agree with but that's neither here nor there.

If you want a definite answer then ask them a definite question. But even if they can't make it that's still no reason to not let them see the pics or hear updates.

And stop with the 'let DH ask them'. You are a grown woman, just ring and ask them yourself since you are the one who is clearly feeling miffed by it.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 02/01/2020 14:40

YANBU - why should you go to so much effort for people who can't be arsed to see their grandchild? It's really not normal! Are they dog obsessed? It always seems to be people who "can't leave the dogs" who have little connection with actual human beings.

WhatsInAName19 · 02/01/2020 14:52

3 months and no visit is appalling. There is no excuse for it.

I'd stop inviting and sending pictures, yes. It's absolutely not petty in the slightest. You've tried your best but there’s only so long you can pursue a relationship that’s not reciprocated, which is essentially what this is. After a point you are only hurting yourselves by giving them continual opportunities to reject you. If they get in touch in the future then you can still be gracious and accept a visit if you choose, but I really don’t think you need to feel obligated keep repeatedly inviting them or sending pictures and updates. You must have enough on your plate as it is with a newborn.

I think your efforts would be better spent on just supporting your DH who must be feeling incredibly hurt by his parents’ disgraceful behaviour.

poppycity · 02/01/2020 15:19

I like someone's suggestion above that makes it open ended - we would love you to meet x, please let us know when you are coming, she grows so much each week and we don't want you to miss out. Definitely support your husband as I'm sure it is harder on him. If another month goes by, I'd suggest asking them outright, together, if there is an issue. It could be something you don't expect - illness etc.

My BF's inlaws live the other end of the country. They go on holiday to Cyprus every year for 2 weeks but in the 4 years they've been GP have only visited twice. Never had a Christmas with dgc, didn't even attend Christenings etc. It really hurt BF's dh. They've decided they will go every 18 months for 5-7 days and they send photos and ring weekly. Never to the gp's initiate contact. But as they are a small family without many people they really want their dc to feel connected to family.

poppycity · 02/01/2020 15:20

oops that should have said every 12 months not 18.

TheMustressMhor · 02/01/2020 15:39

Why can't they bring the dogs with them?

Crunchymum · 02/01/2020 15:46

Who wants random dogs in their house @TheMustressMhor ?

Especially with a very small baby.

SouthwarkSkaters · 02/01/2020 16:03

My FIL didn’t meet DD until she was 2! At her cousin’s wedding too, so he didn’t make any special effort either. We invited him over, offered to come and visit him, always an excuse. They’ve met 3 times in 10 years. He sends birthdays and Christmas cards and money gifts for both, but that’s it. DH speaks to him, I’m sure he keeps him updated because I don’t!.

DD is ok with it to be honest, but I think she doesn't really recognise him as grandad - she calls him uncle his name, even though he signs as grandad!

SanAntonio · 02/01/2020 16:10

Who wants random dogs in their house

What a bizarre comment.
They are not random dogs- they are the OPs DHs parent dogs

Lllot5 · 02/01/2020 16:12

Let your DH worry about I think.

TheMustressMhor · 02/01/2020 22:03

Who wants random dogs in their house

@Crunchymum

I just thought that if the GPs were using their inability to find reliable dog sitters as an excuse not to visit, then she could suggest that they bring them.

They're not random dogs, anyway...

ferntwist · 02/01/2020 22:06

That’s terrible. Totally understandable for you to stop sending invites that get refused. Leave it to DH for now.

Rosebel · 02/01/2020 22:25

Could you visit them? I know it will be a long journey but you could relax when you got there. Maybe they don't want to create extra work for you.
Could your husband call and suggest fixing an exact date for them to visit? It does seem strange they haven't visited yet.

Muddyfieldsandprimroses · 02/01/2020 22:31

Visit them. There is so much about grandparents not intruding.

Perhaps by accident some offence has been caused?

Just arrange to visit them, and mend any fences, with you might not realise need mending.