Grandparents have not met Granddaughter

[jb191710]

Am I being unreasonable by stopping verbally inviting them to our house to meet our DD or sharing pictures of her with them?

My DH’s parents have not met their only grandchild. They live just under 3 hours away and have always come up with some excuse (can’t afford to get someone to look after their dogs, they are tired, they have colds, maybe next month....) They were really excited during the pregnancy and have sent gifts across at Christmas - so not ignoring completely.
It’s obviously frustrating / upsetting and embarrassing for my husband who wants them to meet and can’t understand why they aren’t. Additionally they are in their 50s so not old and drive for work, so the journey shouldn’t be an issue.

As the dil, I don’t want to cause any friction but do I say anything or let it run it’s course?

Which*

Just stop. You've invited them you've tried. Leave it.

Their loss. Don't go begging and certainly don't take your baby on a 3 hour trek.

Your husband needs to speak to them about their reluctance to visit.
Not sharing photos is petty.
Maybe they can’t bear travelling long distances and don’t want to say.

Maybe they think it works both ways, you can’t lay all the blame on them when you haven’t made the effort to visit either.

Some people aren't terribly interested in babyhood or don't want to overstep when they feel mum and dad should be getting bonding time in. My mother didnt meet DD2 until she was 5 months old as she wanted to leave us to it. I'll probably be the same way when my children have their own families (unless they specifically want me the there), especially over flu season when I'd be petrified of imparting germs on new mum and new baby.

Unless there's something deeper going on I'd assume they're just trying to be considerate and not wanting to step on your toes while your baby is still so young.

This is bollocks. Everyone comes to see the new baby. Pretty much in every culture.

@Loveisntblind your mum didn't meet your DD until she was 5 months because she wanted to 'leave you to it' 😱 And you 'probably think you'll be the same'?

Seriously...that's not how most 'new' grandparents react when their child gives birth! Honestly...it isn't! It's the most precious time. The only possible, justifiable reasons that it might take 5 months to meet your grandchild is if you live overseas and can't afford the trip, or are genuinely too ill. Anything else means you're just not that bothered 🤷‍♀️ (As has been sadly proved on this thread by some of the experiences described 😢)

I think the person I'd be checking on would be my DH to ask him honestly if he's ok with his oarents' attitude. If he's hurt, you can talk it through with him. If he doesn't give a toss, I'd leave them to it. Their loss. Enjoy your baby

I think their behaviour is bizarre. As your DH is not concerned or expressing hurt over this I wonder if something has happened such as a fallout between him and his DPs?

Personally if I were you I would not be proactively communicating. So no more invites or sensing them pictures. I would encourage DH to ask them directly why they have not visited.

It’s so hurtful.
My fil lives an hour and fifteen mins away and has yet to meet our youngest who was one - yes one year!- last month. I’m not sure the last time he saw my oldest a but it’s certainly before I was pregnant so at least 2 years ago. He sends Christmas presents which is very thoughtful but not to our taste and need to be rehomed.
My husband finds it so hard, it’s made worse by the fact my fil gf has a gs the same age as our oldest. Time and time again Facebook pictures come up of them all playing happy families. He called us New Year’s Day and said he wants to see us but has so much debt he can’t 🙄
My mil is just as bad- lives less than 10 mins down the road. Getting her to see the boys is like pulling hens teeth. I’ve given up. The quality of contact is quite poor when we do see her- she ignores them and lacks emotional warmth. In some ways I find this worse. How can you not cuddle the baby!
I’m aware that this breaks my husband. My own parents are obsessed, if they don’t see the kids for more than a few days they complain. They help with nursery runs and last week I was stuck at work late. My husband called them and he wasn’t sure what he wanted so they made up an excuse to come and help him till I got back at 10 as they wouldn’t go to sleep. They go above and beyond. I can only imagine that this must make it so much worse for my husband.
I’ve got to a point of accepting it. Not questioning. Periodically invite them for invites to be turned down either immediately (fil) or at the last minuets when I’m Setting up (mil)
What is hard is his mum wouldn’t meet us over Christmas, I arranged to take my mum out tomorrow for the day with the boys , was about to book the tickets for a special event but now mil wants to see the boys so I’ve agreed not to go and I’m going to do my own thing with my mum. I’m more annoyed that I now need to rethink my mums special outing as the event finishes Sunday especially as she will no doubt cancel or spend an hour with them.

I would definitely step back and stop making an active effort to invite them, but make it clear they’re welcome.

• What a bizarre comment. They are not random dogs- they are the OPs DHs parent dogs*

If any of my family had dogs, no matter how close a family member, they would not be bringing them to my house. If they did, the dogs would not be coming in.

@TrueCrimeFan the OP says in her opening post: "It’s obviously frustrating / upsetting and embarrassing for my husband who wants them to meet and can’t understand why they aren’t."

So, clearly, he IS 'expressing concern and hurt' over this.

How does your dh want to respond?

I agree yanbu to leave them to it. Don't do a 3 hour journey to see them, in case youve upset them, what a silly suggestion. Esp if not invited!

The fact that they were so excited about the baby during pregnancy suggests to me that they are interested. Her excuses may actually be reasons.

Maybe they really can't afford to get someone to look after their dogs. Would you mind if they did bring their dogs with them and, if not, have you told them?

If you wouldn't want them to bring their dogs, could you consider helping them out with kennelling costs? Do you know of any friends or family local to you who would take care of their dogs if they brought them with them on a visit to you?

Do you know what their financial situation is? Maybe they live hand to mouth and would really struggle with visiting. What are they normally like with visiting you? Did they visit during your pregnancy?

The fact of the matter is, some people just aren't arsed about their grandkids.

We went NC with MIL and the rest of DHs family due to zero effort on their part and DH just wasn't willing keep trying and facilitate something that clearly wasn't wanted. His view is that he doesn't want people in DSs life that don't love and care about him the way that we do. MIL lives 10 minutes up the road, there are multiple bus routes from her house to ours, probably only £5 in a taxi if she doesn't want to get the bus, she's in good health, has 2 days off work a week but would chose to come for 1 hour on a Saturday after she finished work when her boyfriend could give her a lift instead and then she would fuck off to the pub, and even that wasn't every week. I was off on maternity leave for 10 months and not once did she pop in on her day off or even ask me to pop up to her so she could see DS.

They now haven't seen DS for 2 and a half years (he's only 3), they weren't invited to our wedding and I'm now pregnant with DC2 so they're the ones missing out, not DS.

My parents on the other hand see DS multiple times a week. and if my DM is unwell and cant come, my dad will still come up and my DM will facetime. They pick him up from I'm nursery, they take him out, they will literally do anything for him.

Your PiLs live 3 hours away (6 hour round trip) and work so presumably can only come at weekends.

Before taking into account the dogs, the 12 available weekends have included a chunk of Christmas and them having a cold.

Quick question, wouldn't it be less stress for you and your OH to offer to visit for a weekend or overnight? You'd then only have one person who has to think about work rather than two and the dog care issues would be sorted.

@northernknickers She wasn't interested in holding other people's babies. She send a card and gifts. Not the norm, I know, but there are lots of people who dread the idea of being handed someone else's fragile newborn baby. Not that I won't love my grandchildren when the time comes but I would far rather wait until the baby is mobile and wants to be interacted with by people other than their parents. If I lived down the road I'd offer to cook, clean and run errands if they needed support. At 3 hours away I'd do what OPs in laws are doing, waiting out flu season.

I wouldn't be in a rush to visit, not least because my ex MIL was a real monster and I'd never want my future DIL to feel that way about me.

I don't think these ils are trying to upset anyone, they're interested and sending gifts, perhaps they just don't want to impose and are looking for excuses to come later.

any reason why you haven't gone to visit them yourself?

It's a refreshing change from all the MIL from hell on this forum who insist on having a flipping "cuddle" the minute the baby is born.

How often did they come to visit before you had the baby? Not everyone is making such a big deal of newborn, the baby is not going anywhere.

@Loveisntblind but we aren’t talking about ‘other people’s babies’. This isn’t a random baby in a supermarket is it? I have ZERO interest in ‘other people’s babies’...truly! They hold no interest to me at all. But my own grandchildren? I can’t adequately put into words how I feel! The love a grandparent has (usually!) for their grandchildren is uniquely different to anything else. And it’s not just me...every grandparent I know says the same thing (except, apparently, MN grandparents!!) and none of them were expecting it either. It hits you right in the heart and you can’t describe it or understand the feeling. I now realise just how hard it must have been for my parents when I told them, so casually, that I was moving 300 miles away with my DC when they were little...my parents absolutely doted on my DC and saw them most days, as we lived close by. It simply never occurred to my younger self that I would be breaking their hearts, and how it would also affect my children. I know now, I would be devastated if I didn’t see my GC regularly! And so would they...we have an amazing bond.

I'd be looking at your DH for direction. They are his parents. Support him in what he decides to do. That may well be to stop bothering, but if he wants to keep trying then I would do so.

Careful @Crunchymum you offended ‘fur babies’ everywhere, mumsnet will lynch you.

What does your partner think about it? How often have they invited you to visit? Maybe they are less able to travel than you realise and having colds is a justifiable reason to not see a newborn (this time of year especially the bronchiolitis risk is not worth taking).

My DD was 15 months old when one set of her GPs finally made the 45 minute journey to meet her (We didn't go to them as didn't drive and were never invited). Think they've seen her maybe 3 times since (she's 4 now)!

They are probably on MN and don't want to be pushy in-laws.

Why don't you visit them?