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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Grandparents have not met Granddaughter

53 replies

jb191710 · 02/01/2020 14:06

Am I being unreasonable by stopping verbally inviting them to our house to meet our DD or sharing pictures of her with them?

My DH’s parents have not met their only grandchild. They live just under 3 hours away and have always come up with some excuse (can’t afford to get someone to look after their dogs, they are tired, they have colds, maybe next month....) They were really excited during the pregnancy and have sent gifts across at Christmas - so not ignoring completely.
It’s obviously frustrating / upsetting and embarrassing for my husband who wants them to meet and can’t understand why they aren’t. Additionally they are in their 50s so not old and drive for work, so the journey shouldn’t be an issue.

As the dil, I don’t want to cause any friction but do I say anything or let it run it’s course?

OP posts:
melj1213 · 03/01/2020 13:37

Tbf I can kind of see why it could have got to 3 months without a visit due to the circumstances you've outlined. Have you offered to visit them?

They live 3 hours away so they cant just pop in for half an hour for coffee, a trip will take up an entire day at the very least, which is no mean feat at this end of the year.

You say that they both work, so assuming they work weekdays, they're then limited to weekends for visits which immediately reduces availability.

Unless they cleared their diary for a couple of weeks around your due date they may not have been able to travel at short notice for the first couple of weeks as they had plans they didnt want to/couldn't cancel, especially when theres two of them and they may both have plans at differing times. For example MIL might be free one weekend but FIL is out celebrating a friend's birthday; next weekend FIL is free but MIL has tickets to a show with friends; the following weekend MIL is free Saturday but FIL is only free on Sunday etc. Also depending on where they work they may have a heavy workload which reduces free time (eg I work in retail so October to December are our peak sales months so its all hands on deck, even senior management are pulling overtime to keep things running)

Then they have dogs. It would be rude of them to turn up with their dogs, especially when you have a newborn, and if they wanted to make a weekend trip many hotels dont allow animals so they'd have to find dog sitters. Many dog sitters are booked up well in advance unless you want to pay extortianate last minute prices, and add that on top of hotel cost and petrol and they may not be able to afford it.

Furthermore you have to factor in their illness - I would not have wanted anyone to visit my DD as a newborn if they knew they were sick because I would not have wanted her to get ill. If someone turned up with a cold and they had travelled a distance i would feel obliged to let them in but i would not want them holding/touching/kissing etc DD to minimise risk of illness, and who wants to travel 3 hours to visit their newborn grandchild and not get any newborn snuggles?

Added to that, if they're under the weather/tired from work, that 3 hour drive is going to be a chore. A 6 hour round trip is tiring, but doing while under the weather would wipe me out. Additionally if they are using up a whole weeknend to visit they are getting no downtime between work weeks, and at this time of year that can make illnesses worse/drag on longer as youre just run down.

Then as a bonus reason, we've just had Christmas and New Year. That is a notoriously busy time of year so they may have had long standing plans, assumed you would have plans, not wanting to have to travel/pay expensive hotel and dog sitting prices for Christmas etc. They sent presents so you didnt see them at all - did you offer to visit them over Christmas?

Add all those things together and it's easy to see how 3 months could pass without a visit.

rookiemere · 03/01/2020 14:29

All these people trying to come up with reasonable explanations why GPs haven't seen their new GC and goodness knows why.

Everyone I know who has involved GPs made an effort to see the baby as quickly as they could and if the GPs had any interest in their GC they would have visited by now. Dogs are an issue but a quick google shows many dog sitters- some prepared to stay in your home - or failing that they could have come singly.

Perhaps they do want OP , the DH and baby to visit them, but I would say with a small baby the onus should be on travel in the other direction.

melj1213 · 03/01/2020 17:51

rookiemere maybe some of us are giving reasonable explanations because the OP is wanting to write off her in laws because they havent visited her PFB within the first 3 months of her life when there are reasonable explanations as to why they may want to visit but practically have not been able to yet.

When I had my DD I lived in Madrid but there were direct 2.5hr flights from my parents UK city to Madrid. It still took until DD was 5 months old for them to meet her, despite them wanting to see her desperately because of purely practical reasons.

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