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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Demanding in laws

59 replies

Pumba3 · 02/01/2020 12:43

Usual Christmas related angst so I’ll try to keep things short. My BIL lives a fair bit away and decided he would come for a visit, he has a dog and was told under no uncertain terms that the dog wasn’t allowed in the house (I’m not a fan). He decided to come anyway and stay nearby, there was a massive row on NYE around the dog not being allowed in the house, however this is just for context to demonstrate my deep loathing of all things canine. Anyway, he decided he wanted us all to go for a walk and a pub lunch with the dog, I agreed as I figured it was a compromise and to keep the peace. After driving to his chosen pub he decided us wasn’t suitable for the dog, we then spent most of the afternoon trying to find a suitable place for both the humans (including my 4 very young children) and the dog. When we finally found somewhere suitable ( he reluctantly agreed to a place that had parking directly outside so the dog could stay in his vehicle and he could keep an eye on it), he stormed off back to his B&B because we had been driving around all afternoon and he was fed up! Cue disappointed children who were looking forward to spending time with their uncle and who had also spent an afternoon cold and hungry. I’m livid and want my husband to speak to him about his behaviour but his response is that we know what he is like and to let bygones be bygones, do you think I should?

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Cherrysoup · 02/01/2020 12:50

Why didn’t he research pubs in advance? Is his google broken? Just keep insisting that the dog can’t come. Very crap behaviour of him to storm off in a huff, poor example to the dc.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/01/2020 12:53

Lesson learned. No more outings with BIL and the dog.

Ragwort · 02/01/2020 12:56

Sounds a nightmare all round, suggest your DH socialises with his brother on his own in future.

Pumba3 · 02/01/2020 12:56

Cherry soup He’s a very demanding character and I can just about tolerate him now but it’s the fact that my husband won’t call him out on it and therefore this keeps happening.

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slipperywhensparticus · 02/01/2020 12:56

Why look for somewhere suitable for dogs to leave it in the fucking car?

BubblesBuddy · 02/01/2020 12:57

I asssume he has nowhere else for the dog to go at Christmas. So it is either him and dog or you do not see him. It all seems a bit extreme over a dog! Is is enormous? Is it worth falling out over? Why is it not allowed in your house? It came supervised.

I think if I was your BIL I would stay away from you. If the dog is well behaved, and you all could have taken it for a walk and found a country pub with a bit of effort, I think you are being unreasonable to ban it. However, if it is snarling dangerous dog that bites, then of course you should ban it.

All this angst seems avoidable by welcoming, unconditionally, someone who wanted to see you, and presumsbly could not get the dog loked after elsewhere. Not much welcome or cheer in your house at Christmas.

Pumba3 · 02/01/2020 13:00

Bubbles buddy, I’m not justifying my dislike of dogs. It was the effort that was expended in trying to accommodate him. My 4 children were never a factor in this and were left disappointed at the end of a cold and wet afternoon.

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GiveHerHellFromUs · 02/01/2020 13:01

Firstly, you're being incredibly unreasonable for not liking dogs Wink

Why did nobody just Google a suitable pub (or ask MN!)?

I agree it's not worth falling out over and I think if you were that bothered about the kids spending time with their uncle you'd have made an exception for his dog on this occasion as he clearly couldn't leave it at home.

Pumba3 · 02/01/2020 13:04

Bubblesbuddy there were any number of kennels available, the one occasion it was allowed in it urinated on the carpet, was allowed to each peanut butter hence got it all over the lounge... the list goes on!

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worldsworststepfordwife · 02/01/2020 13:06

BIL+OH+kids+dog go to dog friendly pub have a great time while you please yourself, why do you have to be involved?

Pumba3 · 02/01/2020 13:06

Giveherhellfromus, on what planet it is unreasonable to dislike dogs? If he was so desperate to spend time with his flesh and blood he would have left the dog at home, there is no law that dictates that every human on the planet should like domesticated animals!

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Pumba3 · 02/01/2020 13:08

Worldsworststepfordwife I completely agree and will be opting out from henceforth!

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Teaandcrisps · 02/01/2020 13:10

I think you asked your OH the wrong question - it's not about asking your OH 'to speak to him about his behaviour' (patronising). Its about having a conversation with your OH about how hes going to make sure you and your children aren't put you in that situation again. Maybe it's just OH and BIL that see each other from now on? Maybe it's a short walk in the park?

Put the responsibility on your OH and drop it - you wont have to deal with BIL again.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 02/01/2020 13:12

@Pumba3 sorry I'd assume that you'd understand the wink emoji meant I was joking Confused

If he lives alone he can't exactly leave the dog behind can he?

Jaxhog · 02/01/2020 13:27

Its about having a conversation with your OH about how hes going to make sure you and your children aren't put you in that situation again.

Exactly.

Pumba3 · 02/01/2020 13:31

Tea and crisps I get what you are saying but my husband has allowed us to be walked over for quite some time, I’ve spent years simply turning the other cheek. The row on NYE was not only was my BILs dog allowed to run wild in our house he invited our neighbour and his two dogs in as well. One snarled at my 7 year old son and at that point I threw them out. He did it knowing how I feel about dogs! All dogs are lovely until they are not, forgive me but my kids should be safe in their own home.

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Teaandcrisps · 02/01/2020 17:21

Hi Pumba, totally agree that absolutely you should make sure your kids are safe and no question about a no dogs houseold. It wasnt clear from your original post that your OH hasn't been there for you long term. That's an issue and explains why your BIL was able to run roughshod over your family.
If your OH isnt going to listen, and if this is the only issue going on with you and your OH then I think its fairly straightforward to call time on BIL visits. But methinks theres more to this with you and your relationship with your OH.

Pumba3 · 02/01/2020 20:01

Tea and crisps, there is much more going on but the situation with dog is indicative of the general lack of respect that I experience at the hands of my husband. Thank you for your gentle words, it has been appreciated x

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slipperywhensparticus · 02/01/2020 20:05

Your allowed to not like dogs its not compulsory

Jog22 · 02/01/2020 20:08

You lightweight, it's only urinated on the carpet once. My stepdaughters dog left at least 10 shits in our house during its stay. We don't see her much though and it is clean-upable although the smell doing so made me nearly throw up and I have a strong stomach for smells.

Pumba3 · 03/01/2020 08:58

Jog22 maybe my standards are too high but letting a dog urinate and/or defecate in someone else’s home, especially when they neither like nor want dogs in their home is just not on.

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GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/01/2020 09:06

@Pumba3 I think that @Jog22's first line was also lighthearted. You need to unclench a little.

Sayhellotothethings · 03/01/2020 09:11

I'm torn on this one.
We have a dog and have family members that live far away. I'm slightly begrudged to pay for him to go to kennels if they don't want him around but he is well behaved.
Similarly they also have a dog who is not well behaved and is very aggressive towards anything that moves. I don't want him anywhere near our house so we do not have them here.

If the dog is generally well behaved then personally for the sake of peace at christmas I would probably allow it in the house but ask that it is kept on a lead if you were really uncomfortable. That way he could put a blanket under it (for the peanut butter) and monitor it in case it needed the loo.

I would find it irritating that he was being so choosey with pubs though. That is the compromise for us when we see family members who don't want dogs in their houses also (for the ones that live far away). Our dog just goes to sleep under the table.

Pumba3 · 03/01/2020 09:37

Sayhellotothethings I think the whole dog thing is just the tip of a very big iceberg. The dog is almost irrelevant, it’s my home and I should have an equal day in what happens within it. What tends to happen is that my opinion is ignored or belittled, it’s now at the point where I’m almost militant (read completely) and it’s sparking a revolution in my home. I think it’s also about respect, not everyone likes kids and if they don’t I don’t insist my kids enter their home, nor would I brush off them urinating on their carpet, leave them unsupervised to smear peanut butter everywhere and then expect our host to suck it up in the name of harmony. x

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Pumba3 · 03/01/2020 09:40

Thank you all for answering, it is good to see both sides of the coin and some of the comments have made me challenge my own views. Happy New Year x

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