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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Demanding in laws

59 replies

Pumba3 · 02/01/2020 12:43

Usual Christmas related angst so I’ll try to keep things short. My BIL lives a fair bit away and decided he would come for a visit, he has a dog and was told under no uncertain terms that the dog wasn’t allowed in the house (I’m not a fan). He decided to come anyway and stay nearby, there was a massive row on NYE around the dog not being allowed in the house, however this is just for context to demonstrate my deep loathing of all things canine. Anyway, he decided he wanted us all to go for a walk and a pub lunch with the dog, I agreed as I figured it was a compromise and to keep the peace. After driving to his chosen pub he decided us wasn’t suitable for the dog, we then spent most of the afternoon trying to find a suitable place for both the humans (including my 4 very young children) and the dog. When we finally found somewhere suitable ( he reluctantly agreed to a place that had parking directly outside so the dog could stay in his vehicle and he could keep an eye on it), he stormed off back to his B&B because we had been driving around all afternoon and he was fed up! Cue disappointed children who were looking forward to spending time with their uncle and who had also spent an afternoon cold and hungry. I’m livid and want my husband to speak to him about his behaviour but his response is that we know what he is like and to let bygones be bygones, do you think I should?

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 03/01/2020 10:00

"to demonstrate my deep loathing of all things canine"

It's fine to dictate that you want nothing to do with dogs, in any shape or form. But have respect for the fact that the human race wouldn't be were we are today if it hadn't been for dogs and horses.

If you fly, or go to major cities, dogs are playing their part in keeping you safe. There's no other way to quickly locate someone lost in the woods etc. The farming world once relied on dogs and some sections still do.

So perhaps try not to be so scathing, so you sound rational.

The whole day was ridiculous and he was out of order for behaving as he did. Unless their is MH or Spectrum etc issues, he should absolutely be called out on his behaviour.

Your DH sorts out his visits from now on and unless the arrangements are set in stone, your children don't go.

Brefugee · 03/01/2020 10:08

I think it's perfectly fine not to let dogs in your home - and i think it is ridiculous for people to try to guilt-trip you into it (i don't let dogs in mine because i hate the smell of them, i have what my DCs call a Telescopic Nose - i really am very sensitive to smell)

Just don't socialise with the BIL any more. If your relationship is already bad, how much worse can it be?

brassbrass · 03/01/2020 10:19

You don't need permission to go to war over this. It's your home and your DC and your DH should absolutely be prioritising you/your home being treated with respect and ensuring your DC are safe.

BIL isn't your problem he's actually irrelevant. Your main problem as usual in these scenarios is your DH who doesn't seem to give a shit how you feel.

Pumba3 · 03/01/2020 10:23

Brassbrass thank you, I’m getting to the realisation that this is indeed the case! That’s the tragedy in all this, a marriage eroded through mutual lack of respect or any desire to fix it. 😥

OP posts:
Pumba3 · 03/01/2020 18:27

So my mil is visiting next week my husband has asked that I don’t discuss his brothers visit with her as she will not be pleased. Happy to do so if the topic doesn’t come up but if she asks, which she will, what should I say? X

OP posts:
RibenaMonsoon · 03/01/2020 18:39

I wouldn't bring it up but I wouldn't lie either if asked.
Why does he have an issue with it? Will she be upset that you were put out? Or that BIL stormed off?

IHateBlueLights · 03/01/2020 18:48

Tell DH you won't lie if MiL brings up the subject.

Yeahnah2020 · 03/01/2020 18:53

My grandad always said “never trust someone who doesn’t like dogs.” In my experience he’s been bang on.

Nanny0gg · 03/01/2020 18:59

Not pleased with whom? Her son or you?

paranoidmum2 · 03/01/2020 19:03

I completely agree and will be opting out from henceforth!

I agree you should leave DH to it. I suspect it will be significantly less appealing for him to wrangle 4 kids with BIL and his dog when you’re not there!

Purpleartichoke · 03/01/2020 19:05

I have never understood why anyone thinks it is ok to bring their pet to another person’s home. I have pets. I would never, ever even ask.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/01/2020 19:10

@Pumba3 tell him you won't give more detail than she asks for but you won't lie either and that he needs to stop inviting his family to stay when you need to be working on your marriage (unless MIL is lovely of course but I can't imagine that'll be much fun for you either).

@Purpleartichoke our friends always bring their dog. They don't even ask, but we love them and we love him and our dog loves theirs.
Different strokes and all that.

Pumba3 · 03/01/2020 19:47

Yeahnah2020 luckily I’m not asking you to trust me.

OP posts:
paranoidmum2 · 03/01/2020 19:49

@Yeahnah2020 well I don’t trust anyone who expects everyone to like what they like. Has the whiff of control.

Pumba3 · 03/01/2020 19:54

Ribenamonsoon according to my MIL he ruined their Christmas. They have just renovated their house, and despite asking him to confine it to the kitchen he kicked off when it wasn’t allowed in lounge. X

OP posts:
Pumba3 · 03/01/2020 20:02

Paranoidmum2 I couldn’t agree more.

OP posts:
tillytrotter1 · 03/01/2020 20:05

Firstly, you're being incredibly unreasonable for not liking dogs

What a typical MN comment, how very dare you have an opinion contrary to the acceptable one! I too am reluctant to have dogs in the house although we did have one in the house last Christmas for a couple of hours.

BumbleBeee69 · 03/01/2020 20:06

Your House Your Rules..

SandyY2K · 03/01/2020 20:07

My grandad always said “never trust someone who doesn’t like dogs.” In my experience he’s been bang on.

I've read some stupid and senseless comments on MN, but this has almost left me speechless.

Thank heavens I don't mix with anyone who would come out with such nonsense.

rookiemere · 03/01/2020 20:10

I'm stunned by all these dogs that don't appear to be house trained. Our dog would never in normal circumstances do his business in someones house and if he did I'd be absolutely mortified and make DH clean it up ( his dog Wink)
We didn't take ddog at Christmas to SILs because they have chickens instead our wonderful borrowmydoggy lady looked after him. It's perfectly possible to make alternative arrangements and it's very rude to impose your dog on people who don't want it in their house.

BumbleBeee69 · 03/01/2020 20:11

I've read some stupid and senseless comments on MN, but this has almost left me speechless.

Thank heavens I don't mix with anyone who would come out with such nonsense.

totally agree.. bizarre Flowers

Mulhollandmagoo · 03/01/2020 20:18

I have a dog, and I absolutely love him to bits! I dont however impose him on other people, I think that's incredibly disrespectful!! If I were going on a long trip to visit family or friends I would ensure my dog was sent to a dog-sitter and I would go visit my family!

You and your kids should have just sat down to eat in the first pub, he sounds hard work, your OH should have stood up for his children

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 03/01/2020 21:19

My grandad always said “never trust someone who doesn’t like dogs.” In my experience he’s been bang on.

My grandad always said, "Never pay too much attention to anyone who goes in for sweeping generalisations," and in my experience his advice has been good on the whole.

I have had dogs all my life and taken the trouble to train them, to try to make sure they are pleasant to have around for me as well as for anyone who doesn't actively dislike dogs. Since I don't allow them to urinate or defecate in my house, they (like my children) have always known that you don't do these things on other people's carpets either. And I would never take a dog of mine to a house in which he would be unwelcome ... if someone hates or is afraid of dogs what on earth is the point of forcing my dog on them? No fun for anyone, least of all the dog.

But I wouldn't have my brother's dogs in my house when I had small children, because they were large, boisterous, clumsy and untrained, and they knocked over my toddlers and trod on them. He was offended; I was firm. He was invited again when my children were all old enough and large enough to wallop his dogs right back if necessary.

Your BiL is being an unreasonable twerpie.

Strokethefurrywall · 03/01/2020 21:24

My grandad always said “never trust someone who doesn’t like dogs.” In my experience he’s been bang on.

Sounds like the sort of thing a total dick head would say.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/01/2020 23:28

@tillytrotter1 seems you also missed the Wink that highlights the lighthearted comment...