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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Could I have some sensible advice please?

55 replies

glitterytrainers · 02/01/2020 11:13

I am looking for some sensible, non militant MN advice please. My son is very friendly with my friend's two sons. My DS has told me about some things they have done recently which my friend is totally unaware of. They are all adults in their 20s so most of it is their business and they can do what they like. Think excessive gambling etc (don't want to get into too much detail). Anyway one of them still lives at home, the other doesn't. I have become aware that the one who stays at home has drunk driven a few times (he had form in the past which my friend knows about). My son has sworn me to secrecy, said if I ever say anything he would never speak to me again so I can't open that can of worms. The last time he was out DS took the car keys off his friend so that he couldn't use them. Advice would be welcomed.

OP posts:
SayOohLaLa · 02/01/2020 11:20

They are adults, so I'd keep schtum on this. Tell your DS to stress to the drunk driver about the impact if he lost his licence (would it affect his ability to work etc.?) but fundamentally, this is an adult choosing to make crap choices as he thinks he can get away with them. I wouldn't tell their mother, if that's what you're asking. Better to ensure your DS doesn't travel with him if they go out.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 02/01/2020 11:20

Report him anonymously.

We have friends who are police officers and all say unanimously that reporting a drink driver is the only option. They're not jobsworth types at all, but when we've spoken about it they've all said they've seen collisions where the drunk driver has walked away unhurt and the other driver sustain most injuries.

As hard as it may be to countenance your friend's child being arrested for drink driving and losing their license, far better that than your friend's child end up in jail for killing a family.

senua · 02/01/2020 11:21

My son has sworn me to secrecy, said if I ever say anything he would never speak to me again so I can't open that can of worms.
Ask him why he felt the need to burden you with information that you are not allowed to do anything about. Does he subconsciously want you to act whilst he appears to be the innocent in the resulting fallout.Hmm

TheTrollFairy · 02/01/2020 11:23

I would definitely be telling my friend and explain to your son that drink driving is incredibly dangerous, not just for the friend but the other people who he could cause horrendous consequences for (death, life changing injuries) without adding to the fact that if he’s caught he will be arrested and lose his license plus have to pay fees

stouffer · 02/01/2020 11:24

@senua. I agree entirely. What OPs son has disclosed suggests that lives could be at risk by this behaviour. Confidentiality goes out of the window in that situation. Plus I’d say OPs son needs to make an adult decision about the people he hangs around with.

Elindab · 02/01/2020 11:25

I think you should respect your son's trust and help him decide what to do. Sounds like he has some good ideas, like taking his friend's keys away.

HoHoHoik · 02/01/2020 11:25

Anonymously report the drunk driver, police won't say where the information has come from and it'll just look like he's been randomly pulled over. Stress to your son that he should ever get in the car with this person if he knows or suspects he has been drinking, its not worth the risk.

As for the rest if it, keep out. They're adults and they need to find their own way.

TryingtobePrepared · 02/01/2020 11:27

It's not advice as such but thinking about the options, how would you feel if you did nothing and there was a crash? I'd do something rather than regret doing nothing. To be blunt better to have an angry son than injured.

Original poster
glitterytrainers · 02/01/2020 12:12

My son seems pretty sensible and says he would never get in the car with them. Apparently the other boy has gone out drinking all night and then driven to work the next day - my friend would be blind not to see it. She is aware he has drunk driven in the past. His job and livelihood absolutely depend on having a car. I just can't tell her - she also constantly lends him money because he is gambling so much but I have to say he is like his father and the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree.

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Original poster
glitterytrainers · 02/01/2020 12:14

I can't really report him because how am I supposed to know when he is going to do it - my son can't really handle going out all the time and a lot of these things happen when he's not there - he hears about it after. The Police are not going to put a tail on him - he doesn't do it all the time. I think the only thing I can do is impress upon my son to tell his friend (when sober) the consequences of drink driving and take his keys off him.

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Original poster
glitterytrainers · 02/01/2020 12:18

senua no I don't think it's that. We have the kind of relationship where he tells me things. For instance I now he has tried drugs - he told me, which although I don't agree with I appreciated his honesty. He has said they do nothing for him and doesn't agree with drug taking and thankfully his friends don't do drugs. The thing is they are all lovely boys sober and in their right mind - I have known them since birth - they just haven't had a father they could look up to.

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Butchyrestingface · 02/01/2020 12:18

My son has sworn me to secrecy, said if I ever say anything he would never speak to me again so I can't open that can of worms.

So why the bloody hell did your son tell you then if you’re not allowed to do something about it?

He should go and unburden himself to a priest or somesuch if he wants to put someone else in a sticky situation.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 02/01/2020 12:22

I can't really report him because how am I supposed to know when he is going to do it - my son can't really handle going out all the time and a lot of these things happen when he's not there - he hears about it after.

You really can. Of course the police won't put a tail on him. They'll keep an eye out, though, if a report is made.

Your reluctance to say/do anything about this is a little shocking. Your friend's acceptance of her son's behaviour is equally shocking. Between the two of you I hope one of you gets up the nerve to report him because he needs his license removing.

Original poster
glitterytrainers · 02/01/2020 12:34

FudgeBrownie2019 to be fair it's not me or my son that is drunk driving so I don't think my behaviour is particularly shocking. I came on here for advice on a real issue. If I tell my friend my son's relationship with her sons will be over, it will cause ructions in my own family and I will come out the bad guy. It's a no win situation.

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Original poster
glitterytrainers · 02/01/2020 12:35

And I suffer with such bad anxiety that if I did report him and he got caught I would blame myself.

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Selfsettling3 · 02/01/2020 14:01

Alternatively you could report him, he is pulled over and he stops drink driving. Or you don’t report him and he kills himself and/or other people while drunk driving.

If he chooses to drink drive and gets caught that’s his responsibility.

MGC31 · 02/01/2020 14:07

My friend is a paramedic. She has been to some horrendous road traffic collisions as a result of people drink driving. One young man killed two 18 year old girls and seriously injured another right before Christmas a few years ago. My friend had to confirm their death at the scene. Another killed his girlfriend’s father. Another killed himself. Another killed himself and the other driver. The list goes on.

You would be irresponsible and very unreasonable not to at least phone 101 and ask their advice.

CripsSandwiches · 02/01/2020 14:10

I'd probably tell his mum since reporting isn't an option. Usually I'd mind my own business but drink driving puts other people's lives at risk which is just not OK. Gambling sounds stupid but if its his money its his problem.

bloodywhitecat · 02/01/2020 14:14

*And I suffer with such bad anxiety that if I did report him and he got caught I would blame myself.^

So what happens if he maims or kills himself or some innocent bystander?

cheesydoesit · 02/01/2020 14:14

Well don't say anything and just keep your fingers crossed he doesn't kill anyone then.

cheesydoesit · 02/01/2020 14:15

I hope the advice hasn't been too militant for you either.

Canadianpancake · 02/01/2020 14:15

This isn't a hypothetical situation. This man drink drives at such a frequency that your son thought fit to mention it. I think you need to look at the bigger picture... If he carries on the chances are he will kill an innocent person, ruining countless people's lives including his own. You are in a position to help stop that happening. Please report him anonymously to the police.

Canadianpancake · 02/01/2020 14:43

And if your son doesn't understand this then there may be a problem there as well.

Rainbowshine · 02/01/2020 14:52

And I suffer with such bad anxiety that if I did report him and he got caught I would blame myself

The only person responsible for him getting caught drink driving would be him.

You haven’t forced a load of alcohol down his throat and then made him get behind the steering wheel.

How on earth do you rationalise that you would be at fault?!

And wouldn’t you actually blame yourself more if you could have said something but didn’t and he kills or injures someone? Have you ever experienced someone having to come to terms with life changing injuries caused by another?

I suggest you reconsider and report via Crimestoppers. If he’s doing this regularly others will have seen him driving so anyone could have made the call.

Likethebattle · 02/01/2020 14:56

Drink drivers are scum, utter scum. A driver over the limit crashed into a minibus full of children on the way to swimming. A beautiful boy I went to school with was killed. He was 7 two other children had life changing injuries and the driver of the minibus was a young woman in her twenties who never walked again. The drunk driver walked away with minor injuries. 4 families were devastated that day he decided to take a lethal price of equipment out whilst drunk. They need to be stopped before they cause something like that!