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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Could I have some sensible advice please?

55 replies

glitterytrainers · 02/01/2020 11:13

I am looking for some sensible, non militant MN advice please. My son is very friendly with my friend's two sons. My DS has told me about some things they have done recently which my friend is totally unaware of. They are all adults in their 20s so most of it is their business and they can do what they like. Think excessive gambling etc (don't want to get into too much detail). Anyway one of them still lives at home, the other doesn't. I have become aware that the one who stays at home has drunk driven a few times (he had form in the past which my friend knows about). My son has sworn me to secrecy, said if I ever say anything he would never speak to me again so I can't open that can of worms. The last time he was out DS took the car keys off his friend so that he couldn't use them. Advice would be welcomed.

OP posts:
CareBear50 · 02/01/2020 14:58

Oh OP what a quandary!!!

I'm like you....I would feel so conflicted And I'm also terrible for feeling guilty.

Basically you want to keep the relationships intact, but want this guy to stop drink driving???

I'd report him anonymously to the police. iF he gets caught drink driving, that is on his head, not yours.

Good luck

UndertheCedartree · 02/01/2020 15:10

But what happens if the worst happens and he kills himself and others? How would your anxiety be then? I don't think you'd ever forgive yourself. I think you need to have a serious chat with your DS about the consequences of this behaviour and impress on him that he has a duty to act. If he refuses to then you will have to.

TheoneandObi · 02/01/2020 15:14

Following from another thread (about someone who had a seizure and is still driving) I believe MN wisdom follows that the drunk driver should be shopped. Definitely. No grey area. The problem is how and to who? I'd make a call to the police to chat it through.

Original poster
glitterytrainers · 02/01/2020 16:01

I'm going to speak to my son and see what he is going to do about it - failing that I will have to tell his mum and make it her problem. I just can't bring myself to report him - she would need to make that call. Thank you all very much for the advice.

OP posts:
BrieAndChilli · 02/01/2020 16:12

You only have to look at the papers to see all the lives ruined by drink driving. Lots of innocent children killed by drunk drivers crashing into their car,
There’s no excuse, he’s not just him that could be hurt, it’s anyone of us, if you can’t comprehend a stranger being hurt then think about how you would feel if it was your son in a taxi who this boy crashed into, or your husband on the way home from work?? You would be devastated espcially knowing you could have prevented it. This kid getting into trouble with the police is nothing to the devastation of him killing someone would be

Rainbowshine · 02/01/2020 16:48

I don’t understand at all why you can’t bring yourself to report him? What is stopping you apart from your own perception of the repercussions on you if you do this?

PlanDeRaccordement · 02/01/2020 16:56

I think the OP is making the right choice by telling her friend.

She would be reporting to police based on hearsay which is not reliable.
Unless she’s seen the son drunk driving, it’s just gossip she has heard.
Even her son hasn’t seen the fellow drunk driving. He took the keys off him so he could not.
Saying you know someone was drinking the night before then drove to work the next day is not proof of drunk driving.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 02/01/2020 17:21

You can't bring yourself to report him?

What if he kills himself, someone else? What if he drink drives and hits your son?

There are so many stories of drink drivers killing people and it sounds like it's a regular occurrence.

lovemenorca · 02/01/2020 17:24

There are three people very very in the wrong here

The drunk driver AND your son AND you

How you and your son can sleep at night knowing this Neanderthal could knock over and kill someone due to driving off his face.... is truly awful

Original poster
glitterytrainers · 02/01/2020 18:08

I could phone the Police and not give my name but I don't know the boy's movements other than where he lives and works. I don't know when he is out drinking (my son is lucky if he can handle going out once or twice a month) and I happen to now that his friends have been out a lot more over the festive season. My son has told him not to drink drive, has taken his keys off him and hasn't ever got in the car with him. For what it's worth he certainly doesn't condone his behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
glitterytrainers · 02/01/2020 18:09

And, for the record where we live the Police can take half an hour to answer the phone. I once saw a drunk driver get into his car with a bottle of vodka in hand outside my house - reported him to the Police and not a thing came of it.

OP posts:
Fr0g · 02/01/2020 18:14

No advice really - in your position I would report the drink driving anonymously, but I do think it's really positive that your relationship with your son is such that he feels comfortable discussing/confiding it with you - even if it does leave you in a quandry.

lovemenorca · 02/01/2020 19:02

Op your stupidity is shocking

The fact your son has not reported to the police is the clearest evidence that he does indeed condone drink driving

Strongmummy · 02/01/2020 19:05

I’d urge your son to talk to their mother about his concerns

Lollypop701 · 02/01/2020 19:22

How much anxiety would you feel if he kills himself whilst drunk driving? How would you face his mother, knowing if you’d told her/police that he might be alive?
And that’s the best outcome... he only kills himself. If his brother is in the car, he’s possibly dead, or brain damaged and his dm will be looking after him forever. You will see all of this. And so will your son.
I’ve not mentioned any other people who’s life may be ruined.
You really need to tell his mum and the police. I know it’s awful ... but in all honesty, if your own ds told you then it’s bad, and he wants you to deal with it really

Rainbowshine · 02/01/2020 19:29

You know you can get your son to report the incidents he’s seen online as a non emergency matter? That would put the registration number on the radar for the future. I can’t believe you’re so reluctant to do this. Bewildering.

Mlou32 · 02/01/2020 19:32

You can report to the police that he has form for it. At last toll have done something.

Imagine he crashed into someone else's boy and killed them? Imagine someone did that to your son?

Mlou32 · 02/01/2020 19:33

*at least you'll have done something

Original poster
glitterytrainers · 02/01/2020 22:50

I would like to flip this round and ask you how you would feel if one of your closest friends contacted the Police about your son and didn't discuss it with you first - you would never speak to them again - I know I wouldn't. I think my only course of action is to talk to my friend if my son doesn't talk seriously to his.

OP posts:
Original poster
glitterytrainers · 02/01/2020 22:52

And it's all very well saying I should be doing this, that or the next thing - think about it from your own personal point of view and imagine yourself in similar circumstances - perhaps a friend's son or daughter, a Nephew or Niece - could you seriously contact the Police first without saying anything?

OP posts:
UndertheCedartree · 02/01/2020 23:02

You'd never speak to them again? If they did something to prevent your DC being killed or killing others? Astounding Shock

Rainbowshine · 03/01/2020 10:34

Actually I would thank my friend for being brave enough to do this. They would have saved my family a whole lot of heartache.

Is it worth being friends with someone that thinks it’s ok to condone and allow drink driving? That would hold a grudge for someone calling out such appalling disregard for the safety of others?

Canadianpancake · 03/01/2020 10:40

It was you that said you couldn't/wouldn't talk to the boy or his mum directly, all pp have done is given you an alternative in reporting him anonymously. I have thought about it from my point of view, and given my opinion accordingly. I can only assume some people take drink driving more seriously than others.

CombineBananaFister · 03/01/2020 11:04

Think about the outcome you want -
1)to stop him drink driving and hurting himself or others.
2)To not fall out with friend.
3)To not betray sons trust.
The only way would be to report anonymously surely?
Telling friend might not achieve it as she has been aware in the past and not dealt with it plus 2) and 3) would be broken and it might not even achieve 1)
Some situations are just too serious to ignore and too emotionally charged to deal with face to face and rationally. It might not seem like it but youd be doing them all a favour by reporting. I imagine if you could fast forward and ask your friend whether she'd prefer her son in prison but alive and well or not alive due to his actions, she'd choose the former.

KTheGrey · 03/01/2020 11:41

Crime stoppers guarantees anonymity and is not actually part of the police. It's a charity which gathers information and passes it on.

In any case, the reason your son told you is either that he wants you to share his guilt if something happens, or wants you to do something about it. If you could live with yourself if this friend kills innocent pedestrians or sober drivers, you can do nothing. If you don't think you could, you should report.