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Original poster

It’s over. The man I married is gone

58 replies

newlifenewme2020 · 02/01/2020 00:44

Well it over. I posted before about husband and temper and they I had left and gone away with my mum and dad.

Well tonight I came back so hour DS and there has already been stuff chuck down the stairs and a picture broken. Again is all my fault he said “why do I make him lost his temper”
I have left and told husband to pack his stuff and I want him out before DS and I return in a few days.

I am devastated because the man I married was fantastic and a loved him so much. Over the last 6 years or so I have slowly seen him fade away to be replaced by a man I don’t know. We have been married 16 years.

Had anyone else gone through this- not just splitting up but missing the man your partner used to be. Realising the man you love is no longer there

OP posts:
Original poster
newlifenewme2020 · 02/01/2020 00:45

Sorry that was meant be be I came back tonight without DS. Sorry I cant read what I am writing through the tears

OP posts:
Original poster
newlifenewme2020 · 02/01/2020 00:47

Also what do I do with wedding pictures and other things reminding of happy memories such as things he has bought me. Do I get rid of them I dont think I will ever be able to look at them again

OP posts:
WinterSunglasses · 02/01/2020 00:53

It's heartbreaking. All the loss you feel of what could still have been good if things had gone differently.
I would try to put stuff like wedding photos away for the moment, box them up and put in spare room if possible. You won't want to look at them but also don't get rid straight away and find you regret it later - you might want them for your son etc.
Have a look at the chump lady site. She's very good for advice on getting through a break up. You will get through Flowers

Javagrey · 02/01/2020 00:54

So sorry but you have done the right thing. You need time to work out what to do with stuff - maybe keep one or two pictures as a reminder of when things were better'Flowers

dreamingofmushrooms · 02/01/2020 01:08

Do you know what my exh used to say to me?

"Why? Why do you do it? Why do you make me so angry? If you didn't make me angry I wouldn't hit you, would I?"

Stay strong, I'm so sorry Flowers

eaglejulesk · 02/01/2020 01:13

Hugs. You have done the right thing, but of course it is hard. Put the memories away until some time has passed, and then decide what to do with them. Flowers

AuntyElle · 02/01/2020 01:19

It’s heartbreaking to go through, but you are doing the right thing for yourself and your son. Flowers

Creepster · 02/01/2020 01:24

Pack them away.
There will come a time when you can look at them again and sometimes the kids want to see them.
I am so sorry for your loss and pain.

YouretheChristmasCarcass · 02/01/2020 01:35

You've done the right thing. No, the 'man you married' will never be back because he never really was 'that man'. What you see now is who he always was. He was just better at hiding it.

As far as pictures and such, don't throw them out yet. Just pack them away for now. When the time is right you'll know what to do with them. You may end up chucking the lot or you may sort out a few things to keep. I ended up tossing all the wedding photos and such but even in a bad marriage there are some 'good times' and those were the things I kept. Not because of 'him and I', but because of 'me'.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 02/01/2020 01:48

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I'd leave decisions about photos/other items for a while and if you don't want to see them in the meantime, pack them away and give yourself time to grieve, because this is a type of grief for the loss of the man he used to be.

Did something happen over the past six years that started this change in him? You've obviously known each other for the best part of 20 years and you say that the old him faded away over the last six.

I'm not excusing his behaviour in any way, just wondering why it happened.

RachelYC · 02/01/2020 04:10

Sending hugs Flowers

You have been very brave. Focus on yourself and your DS for now, and be kind to yourself. Box up the photos etc, put them in the loft and deal with them when you are feeling stronger. X

endofthelinefinally · 02/01/2020 05:16

Has this happened just over a few months?
My colleague noticed a similar change in personality/ behaviour in the husband of a regular clinic attendee. Turned out to be a brain tumour. It is rare, but it happens.

endofthelinefinally · 02/01/2020 05:17

Oh, sorry, just reread your post and realised you said 6 years, not 6 months. My mistake.

FurrySlipperBoots · 02/01/2020 05:39

I am sorry OP. It's such a shock when someone changes so drastically, someone you thought you knew inside and out.

I know chances are minimal, but is your OH on any sort of medication? Sometimes an adverse reaction to meds can be behind an extreme change in character.

PicsInRed · 02/01/2020 05:54

Is he like this since you had DS?
Commitment, pregnancy, childbirth are common triggers for the mask of good behaviour to drop, revealing the true abuser beneath.

Best to put photos etc away for child to see in years to come - store them and put out of your mind. 💐

mathanxiety · 02/01/2020 06:17

Are you safe, @newlifenewme2020?

Do you believe he will leave?

When you return I urge you to bring an adult or two with you and to leave DS with a relative until you are sure your stbx is out of the house and you have had a chance to clean up and repair any mess or damage he does. It can be incredibly traumatic for a child to see damage done to their home deliberately by their own parent.

If you have any reason to believe ex will continue to occupy the home and refuse to leave you can get an Occupation Order. Call Women's Aid to explore your options. 0808 2000 247

mathanxiety · 02/01/2020 06:20

Had anyone else gone through this- not just splitting up but missing the man your partner used to be. Realising the man you love is no longer there

Yes, but splitting up was the only possible decision. The children didn't deserve to be living the miserable life he inflicted on us all. None of us did, but the life they had under the same roof as him was their one and only childhood.

ShippingNews · 02/01/2020 06:50

Also what do I do with wedding pictures and other things reminding of happy memories such as things he has bought me. Do I get rid of them I dont think I will ever be able to look at them again

Just keep a few of them, and put them in an album or something similar, somewhere where you don't have to look at them. You might want to look at a time in the future. And your DS might want to see them too.

Member869894 · 02/01/2020 06:59

Google the Freedom Program online. It describes abusive men. You will recognise him there.

Igotthisjustabout · 02/01/2020 07:22

Are you the op who's husband smashed a window in the kitchen door?
Im so glad you managed to get away. When you go back to the house, do you have an adult who can come with you, rather than just returning with your son?
Could your photos be boxed up so you don't have to look at them?
I am sorry this has happened to you Flowers

GiveHerHellFromUs · 02/01/2020 07:36

I'm glad you're brave enough to accept that enough is enough.

With regards to the pictures, my mom cut my dad out of all of their wedding pictures and smashed all the expensive ornaments he'd bought her (even though she was the one who cheated and didn't want to try again) and I'm sure it was therapeutic for her at the time but she did admit she later regretted doing so.
Don't do anything rash with the nice things. Keep them until you're less angry.

Catsandchardonnay · 02/01/2020 08:16

OP I just reread your previous thread. So your DS is 6 and that’s when your husband started to change? I’m afraid this can happen in an abusive man - he’s not the centre of your attention any more and he doesn’t like it.

You’ve been amazingly brave and strong to stand up to him and end the relationship. You are protecting your DS and getting him out of that toxic situation. It’s natural to mourn the person he used to be, but like others have said - that person wasn’t the real him, it was a fake. I would say don’t make any rash decisions with the stuff yet, put it in a box out of sight and decide later.

Flowers for you OP and your DS, and all the very best for your new life.

Original poster
newlifenewme2020 · 02/01/2020 09:17

Yes he had a issue with sulking but the anger didn’t start till after DS was born. About six months later it started I would say.

He had a breakdown about 4 years ago. He has just text me to say not to worry as in a few months he will be dead

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 02/01/2020 09:36

@newlifenewme2020 ah yeah they make a habit of shit like that. We live in hope, eh.

Don't let him emotionally blackmail you.

sonjadog · 02/01/2020 09:40

Already getting the emotional blackmail in.

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