It’s over. The man I married is gone

[newlifenewme2020]

Well it over. I posted before about husband and temper and they I had left and gone away with my mum and dad.

Well tonight I came back so hour DS and there has already been stuff chuck down the stairs and a picture broken. Again is all my fault he said “why do I make him lost his temper”
I have left and told husband to pack his stuff and I want him out before DS and I return in a few days.

I am devastated because the man I married was fantastic and a loved him so much. Over the last 6 years or so I have slowly seen him fade away to be replaced by a man I don’t know. We have been married 16 years.

Had anyone else gone through this- not just splitting up but missing the man your partner used to be. Realising the man you love is no longer there

The texts are going to continue for a time yet - maybe redirect his texts and emails to a specific folder you only look at once every few days so as to stop yourself trying to fight him off constantly. He's going to try to guilt you into all sorts; this isn't about him wanting to take his own life but him keeping his hold on you. Stay calm and unflappable even in the face of absolute bullshit; if you argue back he'll reel you right in, so ignore, ignore and ignore some more (and I know how hard that is).

Do you have friends and family who'll keep you on track? Ultimately that's what you're going to need lots of - support and honest kindness. Feel free to PM me any time and I can send you my phone no if you need pep talks/texts every so often. Keep going - you've made such huge steps already.

Threats of suicide or sudden onset of a terminal illness (some abusive people say they have cancer) is a very common tactic used by abusers to reel their victim back in. They think they're being original but it's so so common.

I'd tell him your blocking his number on your phone and he can communicate via email.

Has he been to a doctor? He sounds ill.

We both changed! I'm more assertive and he's more selfish . Already separated after 27 years together, aim for 2020 is to unpick our entwined lives without hurting the kids more than we already have. Whilst it wasn't my decision to call it quits it was the right one, I've got 30-40 more years of living to do god willing, I needed a man who actually loved me for who I am now, cellulite, saggy belly and all (and I found him!)

Yes, it's awful I sadly called a day on my marriage as my DH wasnt the man I married. Not living his life or behaving in a way that was compatible with mine or a family life together. I kept hoping that the old him would come back. But promises of change never occurred. Utterly broke me.

But, it's for the best, I keep telling myself that daily. Keep reminding yourself of that.

Yes this happened to me.
It’s horrible.
18 years. Had to leave for the children. Broke my heart a million times over having to make the decision but in the end it wasn’t mine to make.
Came down to my daughter picking pieces of smashed crockery off the floor after one of his early morning rages over breakfast cereal or parking or something equally as insignificant.
It really is as if he has something terrible medically wrong but the truth is, he doesn’t.
I also get the reminders of his impending death by text

I have just changed my surname back to my maiden name via deed pole. Felt so good

I kicked out my aggressive DH in June. Don't do anything rash about gifts or photos. I put all of mine away, out of sight. Give yourself time, space and kindness.

I still miss the old DH but he isn't there anymore - he simply doesn't exist.

And the "I'll be dead soon" comment is classic. Mine told everyone he was going to kill himself - he didn't.

Good god what a horrible man and how brave you are. I know how bad behaviour casts doubt on all you have done.

Ignore his revolting blackmail texts. Send them to your friends and family instead and tell him you have done this. He will soon shut up once he realises his cruelty has a far wider audience and he can’t start his pity party I am a victim game.

OP, this makes me so happy after following your previous thread! You won’t know yourself. You are so strong and such an inspiration

Op- yes, the kind thoughtful caring funny generous man I married , fell in love with and had DCS with - is now an overweight, rude, bitter, misogynistic, arsehole.

I do not recognise him, half the time do not like him - do still care about him for my DCS sake and like you wonder what the hell happened.

Apparently he was always like that. I still do not get it and on occasions see flashes of the brilliant man he was. But be with him now - no way. Walk away you can not change him and will only end u hurt.

Oh op this is the worst time, it's going to get better from here. Don't do anything with wedding photos etc except put them out of sight in the loft, when the dust has settled you can worry about all that. You've definitely done the right thing.

I remember your previous thread and I am SO PROUD of you for taking back control. You and your DS will look back on this decision for years to come as the best decision you ever made. No more emotional abuse, no more treading on eggshells, and your DS is safe from learning his father's behaviours.

Well done you OP!

Well done! Ignore his emotional blackmail. In fact just ignore him completely.

I am so sorry its come to this, I went through something similar and I do miss the man I thought I married but not the man I actually married.
I put all the pics and things from happier times In a box in the loft and the children can have it when they are older. I want them to know at some point we did love each other and we happy together. Also they were the result of how much we were in love.
From my point of view my ex should be done for false advertising, the man I loved didn't hang around very long but the man he kept hidden stuck around and made my life a misery for 17 yrs, occasionally fooling me and giving me hope. Wasn't a total waste though, I have 4 beautiful amazing children who have non of his bad traits.
It gets better but ke kind to yourself x

The suicide threats are utterly predictable with an abusive man.

They are a breach of the peace, in Scotland at least so if they keep happening you can report them.

Either ignore the threats, send him the number for the samaritans or if he is threatening to act immediately call the police to do a welfare check.

Thank him for the reassurance that you don't have to worry anymore. Then ignore him.

I personally found nothing alienated me as much from my exH as his threats of suicide. They angered me - how dare he try to suggest I was in some way responsible should he choose to step on the electrified rail or overdose. It was yet another indication of a complete lack of boundaries on his part.

Don't panic.

You have just laid down a boundary: THIS behaviour is UNACCEPTABLE to me.

He is an intelligent, capable person full of agency and choice.

He can sit with his new normal, and decide whether changing (dealing with his depression, stopping blaming you for life not panning out like he hoped, etc) is worth it.

You aren't in the last chance saloon yet.

Depressed men behave very badly (blaming, affairs, drinking etc). Lets hope he deals more constructively with his depression.

"He had a breakdown about 4 years ago. He has just text me to say not to worry as in a few months he will be dead"

Send him a text back: you could always choose to deal with your pain in an intelligent manner like 90% of the population in paid 1. admit that your life is now unmanageable 2. Go to the GP and admit your thoughts are out of control 3. Get on to medication to stop your black thoughts 4. Pay for therapy to learn how to deal with the ups and downs of life better. How about that road? I love you, but I cannot accept you DESTRUCTIVE (to yourself; and the people around you who love you) behaviour any more. With all the love in the world, Wife

"population in pain"

Then, OP? Whatever happens, happens. But stick to your boundary. Shitty cruel behaviour does not happen in this safe, kind house.

Chances are, he won't want to do the work because he would have to let go of the tough man nonsense. But you have least said a door is open if he does try.