My mum isn’t interested in my wedding?

[Debbierocket123]

I don’t want to sound ungrateful but I recently got engaged. I tried to call my mum but she didn’t answer and instead messaged me a congratulations. I thought she would call back but didn’t. Every time I talk about the wedding we’re planning she looks at me like I’m mad and either tries to change the subject or tell me I can’t afford what I am planning to do. My fiancé and I have been together for a year which isn’t long in her eyes but it al feels so right and my whole family love him. When you know, you know. I’m so excited and want her to be involved but she doesn’t seem interested at all. Is this normal? Do you think she might be angry at me?

I have to say I would probably really struggle to be enthusiastic about a wedding. I am pretty cynical about them and would be very concerned as to whether my DD was doing the right thing. I would like to think I could hide this better than your mum but who knows. Some of us battle hardened types - rightly or wrongly - see a wedding as the end of a girl’s independence and a bit of a trap, honestly, and not such a great thing. She is being unfair if she isn’t making any attempt to hide this but she may have genuine concerns.

I also think a year is not really long enough to know someone and she may be worried about this. What’s her relationship like with your OH? I wish you all the best with the wedding and marriage and hope your mum comes round.

If your priority is TTC then why on earth are you waiting two years to get married? No way I would delay TTC for two years at your age, if I was sure about the man and we were on the same page regarding starting a family. Nope, simple wedding now and then get cracking. A two year engagement is just bonkers, I never understood the need to drag it all out.

And agree with PP your mum probably isn't showing much interest in it because it's far too far away for her to be excited about it. A lot can happen in two years!

So you're 32, children are a priority for you, you don't have the security of owning a home, but you do have some savings.

Instead of having a small wedding now, cracking on with TTC and keeping some savings back for the most expensive time of your life, you are going to spend all your money on a party in two years time?

Don't underestimate how much harder it is to save for a deposit once you've had children. Sometimes I think how much we spent on our wedding and wish we'd kept some of the money and bought a house earlier. We rented until DD was five and it was nerve wracking not knowing if we would be able to find housing we liked near school.

I think people saying "weddings aren't that interesting"/"2 years is a long way away" are missing the point a bit. My kids are little but one thing I think won't change as they get older and thst is that I take an interest in whatever they are interested in, even if it's not something inherently interesting to me. That's what seems to be missing here, the OP's mother is not even trying to show an interest. But OO if this is part of a pattern for her I wouldn't worry about teying to reason out why, it's a waste of your time. Some people are just a bit rude and crap.

Don't underestimate how much harder it is to save for a deposit once you've had children. Sometimes I think how much we spent on our wedding and wish we'd kept some of the money and bought a house earlier. We rented until DD was five and it was nerve wracking not knowing if we would be able to find housing we liked near school.

This and then some. Admittedly it was 1998 when we got our first house, so they were a lot cheaper then, but we got that first, got married a year later and then first child 3 years later.

Our wedding was dead cheap compared to what they are now (was still about £6k but that included a 2 week holiday and a grand spending money), but I couldn't have imagined doing it the other way around. Once our first son came along, it was pretty expensive to say the least.

Oh Debbierocket123 your wedding is in two years time!

You've only known your partner one year.

As much as she may like your partner of course she isn't "interested in your wedding" at this point! It's twice as long in the future as your relationship to date!

Also what is there to be interested in at this point? Surely all you do two years in advance is save up and perhaps book a venue if you know you want something very specific which is bookable two years in advance...

Is it venue booking you want her to be interested in?

We got married six months after deciding to (together four years before that) so I really would struggle to get excited about the fact someone was already planning two years in advance, even if it was my DD!

If your priority is TTC then why on earth are you waiting two years to get married? No way I would delay TTC for two years at your age, if I was sure about the man and we were on the same page regarding starting a family. Nope, simple wedding now and then get cracking. A two year engagement is just bonkers, I never understood the need to drag it all out
This!

I do agree that given your age and your clear wish to have children within marriage your thinking does also seem completely illogical.

Why not have a simple registry office or church (depending whether you are religious) wedding this summer? Then you'll have a better chance of having children before your fertility drops and risks increase.

Sorry I made a mistake I meant the wedding is next year not in two years. I thought she would be pleased I got engaged and happy for me but she doesn’t seem it. I asked her if was and she just said “yeah” and changed the subject again.

I wouldn’t be enthusiastic about my adult child’s wedding, especially if they were taking two years to ‘save up’ for it . If you want to get married then get married, a small, informal occasion. I would probably try to fake enthusiasm if they really wanted a big wedding but I would consider it a shocking waste of money, especially if they didn’t even have their own home. (And I would be disappointed that a 32 year old put so much importance on a ‘wedding day’).

Debbierocket123 sounds as though you're not very interested in your own wedding either if you forgot when it is ;)

People don’t have to be interested in weddings. At least she won’t be interfering with you plans. Or maybe she thinks what you have planned will be a waste of money and doesn’t want to see you paying all that, even if you have saved for it.
If this is a symptom of a bigger problem then address that, rather than her apparently lack of interest in your wedding.

Maybe she thinks you keep talking about it to hint she should help pay for the wedding.

@MrsMillerbecameababy

Classic!!

Why does everything have to be 'interesting?' Such a childish attitude.

Those of you saying it's uninteresting - I bet if a friend discussed her wedding plans in advance you'd listen even if you were bored. You wouldn't want to lose the friendship that you value. But you wouldn't do the same for your daughters.

That's why when I see posts & comments in Gransnet 'my DD doesn't want to know/visit me yet I've never done anything to warrant this' (Yeah - I bet), I just raise a brow.

MereDintofPandiculation She doesn’t believe in buying a home anyway so this wouldn’t be an issue. I want to get married first in order to have children. We’ve got the rest of our lives to buy a home but children are a priority for us right now.

Really?? Does your mum not own her own home Op? Even if she doesn’t do you know for definite that she doesn’t want the same for you? If it were me I’d be using your wedding money to get a foot on the housing ladder, and have a registry office/very low key wedding. You’ve got the rest of your lives to have a big party(!) Id advocate buying a home now whilst you’ve got no children and both of you can work full time. Much easier to do whilst you’ve got no maternity leave/childcare costs to factor in.

DeeCeeCherry two years in advance? You'd listen once but you'd soon stop seeing a friend as often if they became a bore about a wedding two years in the future. Can you imagine two years of wedding talk! The fact the wedding is to a man they'd only been with half that time is its own issue. They've known each other longer so it might not be "too fast" and the marriage might work, but if you've spent 2/3 of your relationship planning your wedding imagine the anticlimax!

But next year could be nearly two years away, it's only the 2nd Jan and if your wedding isn't until spring/summer 2021 then it's about 16-18 months away.
As with previous posts, I'd just have a small wedding this year and then use your savings for a house. It's no fun renting with kids and facing having to move every 6months or so.

I think I'm with your DM. I know all of this must be very exciting for you but it's probably boring the pants off everyone else.

Talk to her about some other things and try to only talk about the wedding if asked.

Like others have said on this thread, I'd be tempted to bring the wedding forward and have a smaller do. One of the best wedding I have ever been to was a Register Office followed by a bbq in the garden. It was just so relaxed and happy. No formal speeches or wedding breakfast. It was great.

We’ve got the rest of our lives to buy a home

You really don't and I'm surprised at your age you have that attitude.

So you decide at 40, "we'll buy a house now". 25 year mortgage, so you are still paying it off at 60? Throw children into the mix, which is the priority for you now, which are really bloody expensive and saving for a deposit at the same time? Hmm ok, so don't factor in the size of deposit you'll need to save, probably both need to be working, childcare costs (ouch!!), school uniforms, rent on a property/bills blah blah, the list goes on. We've got a 17 and 13 year old and they are really bloody expensive!!

I know which I would be doing first.

OP YANBU. I am engaged and my mum is taking an active interest - coming dress shopping with me, asking about other plans, giving us a thoughtful engagement gift etc. I’d be gutted if she showed no interest! And if you’re in your 30s and paying for it yourself then it’s not up to her to decide whether it’s affordable or not!

I think YABU a tiny bit though for not seeing this coming - as you say she’s never really been interested in what you’re up to? In which case I don’t think this has anything to do with the wedding and unfortunately just means she’s not a great mum I’m really sorry, it sucks that’s the case.

For those of you saying it’s not interesting / too far away, I’m sorry but what kind of parent thinks their own child’s big events and life decisions aren’t interesting?! This isn’t about a party it’s about one of the biggest events in your child’s life! I have zero interest in maths or in boring ceremonies but when my brother graduated with a maths PhD I showed a big interest and attended the ceremony because I love my brother! That’s what good family members do for each other .

My first wedding was a big old grand affair. Cost a fortune. The marriage lasted 4 months despite being together 7 years before. I think the planning took my mind of what a twunt he was.

My second wedding (last year) was amazing. We had a church and then garden party. It cost £3k and I wouldn’t have changed a thing. I married my soul mate and I would have
Done it in rags, I didn’t care how much it cost, what we did etc I just wanted to marry him.

We’ve been together 6 years.

Under your circs. OP i'd say you're doing the right thing getting married before TTC. (Or - start TTC a couple of months before the wedding.)

I have 4 DDs (3 adults one little one) and and one of them (only 5 years younger than you OP) is besotted with her boyfriend of a year and they are talking about marriage and kids. They're village kids and both still live at home, hard working but with only a small amount of savings - but she is now older than i was when i had her and i think it's messing with her head making her body clock tick. Which is daft because she still has years and years!!

If she announced she had a wedding date in mind and was going off to rent and TTC then to be honest i'd worry, but i'd ask if she was sure and then jump in as far as she wanted me to with the wedding plans. It's not my place to control her destiny with my ideas of what's 'right'. You have more influence over you children by being loving and interested in their lives than giving them the cats bum face and getting the hump. I'll be there for them weather their plans work out or not after all.

MrsMiller
Maybe your young or adult DCs are only allowed to talk about immediate and interesting things. Or maybe they treat you like that, having been taught so.
But yeah -

All you too bored unless it fits a short attention span folk will be wailing on Gransnet or MN 'I don't see my graaaaandkids'.

Its really snidey to voice and show a family member you find a big occasion and event in their life a bore.