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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mum isn’t interested in my wedding?

95 replies

Debbierocket123 · 01/01/2020 22:14

I don’t want to sound ungrateful but I recently got engaged. I tried to call my mum but she didn’t answer and instead messaged me a congratulations. I thought she would call back but didn’t. Every time I talk about the wedding we’re planning she looks at me like I’m mad and either tries to change the subject or tell me I can’t afford what I am planning to do. My fiancé and I have been together for a year which isn’t long in her eyes but it al feels so right and my whole family love him. When you know, you know. I’m so excited and want her to be involved but she doesn’t seem interested at all. Is this normal? Do you think she might be angry at me?

OP posts:
Original poster
Debbierocket123 · 01/01/2020 23:25

Also she has never really taken much interest in time or my life so this isn’t unusual but she tells me all the time how lovely my husband to be is. I have enough money saved to pay for most of the wedding myself. Our date is in a couple of years so it should be no problem to pay for what we want. Perhaps it doesn’t sound like a long courtship but we have known each other for years before getting together. It all feels right to us and the rest of my family are thrilled.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 01/01/2020 23:27

Having lived through a wedding, I would do things much differently now.
I would have a big party at home (if you have the space), and get married at some point during the party.
Best wedding I ever went to was a house warming.
Hosts disappeared after bbq lunch, Returning in full bridal gear and got married on their veranda .
Great day.
Good luck

Original poster
Debbierocket123 · 01/01/2020 23:27

MereDintofPandiculation She doesn’t believe in buying a home anyway so this wouldn’t be an issue. I want to get married first in order to have children. We’ve got the rest of our lives to buy a home but children are a priority for us right now.

OP posts:
Jessica7689 · 01/01/2020 23:31

Our date is in a couple of years

You mean your wedding isn’t for two years, but you’re expecting your mother to already be interested and to sustain that interest over two years?

Kraai · 01/01/2020 23:37

Is she a bit jaded about relationships? Could it be that she doesn't really believe in the magic of it all anymore?

Would it be possible to sit her down and speak openly about it? Say you know it's not always interesting for anybody but you'd love her to be involved and ask if there's anything she would like to be involved in and you won't bore her with the other details if she doesn't want? If she doesn't suggest anything then have a think about what would mean the most to you and tell her that? If she isn't interested even in that then the situation is a bit different.

Kraai · 01/01/2020 23:37

*interesting for everybody

PurBal · 01/01/2020 23:44

I'd enjoy it. My mum was insufferable. It cumulated in her threatening to commit suicide when I we told her we were inviting someone she doesn't like. Fortunately she didn't go through with it.

Merryoldgoat · 01/01/2020 23:51

@Weenurse

Are you in The UK? You can’t get married at your home here (unless you happen to live in licensed premises).

OP - it’s hard for anyone to get excited about a wedding in two years, however your mother sounds particularly detached and I’d probably just plan for her not to be involved.

ThighThighOfthigh · 01/01/2020 23:51

My mum is still pissed off 20 years later that my sister didn't have a buffet which featured a whole salmon.

AlexaShutUp · 01/01/2020 23:56

If the wedding isn't for a couple of years, perhaps it's just too early for her to get excited about it? You can spend all the time in the world planning your special day with your fiance, but realistically, nobody else is going to want to spend the next two years talking about what is essentially just a big party. Maybe wait until a bit nearer the time to share the details with other people?

Weenurse · 02/01/2020 00:41

No Australia

RedPanda2 · 02/01/2020 00:53

My mum wouldn't be interested either,but then I also find hearing about wedding planning so dull. Maybe she's not into weddings??

FeigningHorror · 02/01/2020 00:57

Honestly, I’d struggle to maintain any significant level of interest in plans for something two years away. What would you like her to be doing or saying, OP?

Dixiechickonhols · 02/01/2020 01:00

It could be any reason you need to speak to her. Is she concerned about long wait 2 years until wedding so you'll be at least 34 before TTC your first baby?
The money comments may be her just thinking why not just get on and do it especially as you are older and wanting children.

Newyear2020 · 02/01/2020 01:08

She might just not like weddings. As I’ve got older I’m less and less interested in them (you become a bit jaded when friends divorce, and even more so when they remarry as I can’t get their previous vows of till death do us part out of my head) and as a social occasion they are not fun for guests, expensive (in terms of gifts and often for the travel for them) and they often take up a whole day.

And I don’t look forward to being the mother of the bride (or groom in the future), it will be a case of grinning and bearing. Which I will do for the sake of my own dc, but I don’t really want to be over involved in the planning at all.

I would take her congratulations with good grace and make your own plans happily.

WarmthAndDepth · 02/01/2020 01:30

Congratulations, OP.
I find the idea of marriage stifling and am thrilled not to be married to DCs' dad despite almost 20 years together (granted, this relationship is now on the rocks).
But, I would like to think that I would be able to muster some interest in a project that meant a lot to one of my DC, or at least have an honest sharing about any reservations I might have which got in the way of sharing their enthusiasm.
Could your mum be underestimating how important her engagement (as in 'interest and involvement') is to you, and just not realise that you very much pick up on it?

KC225 · 02/01/2020 02:39

To be fair she has taken some time to consider your plans unaffordable and a bit mad - your words.

Does she like your fiancée? Does she feel you are rushing into things? That your plans are unrealistic? Are you constantly trying to.enegage her in wedding talk? Does she think you will ask her for money?

Can you ask her if there is a problem, because you feel she isn't very enthusiastic and its bothering you?

JanesKettle · 02/01/2020 02:42

I'm not sure that I'd be excited about an event 2 years in the future either.

Also, am not a wedding person. Would work up some enthusiasm closer to the date, for the sake of a dd, but generally, don't see weddings and wedding planning as a great source of excitement.

DeeCeeCherry · 02/01/2020 02:48

My mum wasn't interested in my wedding. I didn't care. I was interested in it, and the man I was going to marry. It wasn't about my mum she'd had her wedding and her time. I went dress shopping and chatted wedding plans with my sister, and friends who were interested.

When people act as if they can't be bothered I leave them to it. My mum's a lot older now and of course wants me to be bothered about many things to do with her. But, I'm not.

Don't let your mum's disinterest as a parent at an exciting time in your life, blight you.

SaphfireRose · 02/01/2020 03:19

2 years off, there is no point getting excited about that. She probably thinks that you will be over before then anyway, so probably doesn't believe the wedding will truly happen. If you truly want to get married, why such an arbitrary date so so far into the future? Just go to a registry office and do it. You can then have a big wedding later. I don't think one year of being together before becoming engaged is too soon. However at that point, in two years time, you will have been engaged longer than you've been a couple! 2 thirds longer.

Durgasarrow · 02/01/2020 04:41

She may be interested in your wedding, but not in the way you want her to be. Her authentic opinion may be that you are rushing into the wedding, or that it is weird to get engaged after one year and then have a wedding two years after that. She may be anxious that you want money from her for the wedding even though you are a fully grown adult in your 30s, and she might not be excited about that. She may be keeping her mouth shut as a kindness to you because you would not like what she says if she is honest.

sunshinekids · 02/01/2020 05:17

Does your Mum regularly ask you about grandchildren?

TheMouldNeverBotheredMeAnyway · 02/01/2020 05:43

If your priority is having children and you are 32, I wouldn't spend two years saving up for a wedding party. I'd have a simpler cheaper wedding, keep your savings for future needs, and start TTC sooner.

AnnaMagnani · 02/01/2020 06:02

No one is as interested in your wedding as you are.

And if your wedding is in 2 years, that is a lot of interest for everyone else to maintain.

borntobequiet · 02/01/2020 06:10

I told my children when they were in their teens that although I’d be pleased if they found someone they would like to marry, I wouldn’t be contributing financially towards any wedding. That would be entirely on them. In fact I scrimped and saved to support them through their education and in first jobs or setting up businesses. One isn’t interested in getting married anyway, and the other had a simple and lovely register office wedding, telling me after the event. I was pleased for them and grateful I didn’t have to attend. I find weddings tedious. Perhaps your Mum is like me.