to not want to leave my 3 year old at a sleepover?

[Alexandra54]

DW and I have a 3yr old DD - she's not 4 for a few months yet.
We recently went for a Christmas party at one of DW's colleagues houses.
Our DD played all night with the colleagues DD who is several years older. As we were leaving, the colleagues commented on how nicely the girls had played together and said that our daughter should come for a sleepover sometime. They live on a huge farm in the middle of nowhere with extended family all living in the main farmhouse and in other homes within the grounds.
I didn't say anything, but DW said that would be really nice and they spoke about some potential dates in the new year.

In the car on the way home, I said that there's absolutely no way DD would be sleeping over there. She doesn't know this family at all, and DW doesn't even know them that well. DD has never slept over anywhere before (we live away from extended family)
DW thinks I'm being overprotective and it would be fine. I'm not comfortable at all.
AIBU to put my foot down?

Sorry I got the wrong end of the stick and thought the other girls mum was the one guilt tripping you about it but just realised it's your DW. Sorry. Nope, still stands. I think if one parent finds something uncomfortable and upsetting then it's important to find a compromise (like the one you've suggested) or if it's a hard yes or no the parent who would be genuinely upset about the thing in question takes precedence. She'd like her to go to the sleepover but you really would find it upsetting. She's unfair to keep on about it.

Too young. You'll be driving back to pick her up in your pyjamas before you've got to bed yet.
My youngest DD is a very confident, outgoing girl and still I had to drive to her friend's house at 11pm to pick her up when she was 9 years old. Also had to drive an 11 year old home who suddenly wasn't happy staying at ours. (She stays over every other week now though)

I think the invitation is odd. Only old enough for a sleepover when the child is able to give you a very detailed account of what happened , able to use a telephone unaided and absolutely know about unacceptable behaviour etc.

Perhaps suggest to dw how she will feel when you drop dd off at the friends house. I imagine as you drive away your dw may realise that 3 is awfully young and you will have plenty of time later in life for a sleepover. I once left my 11 yr ds at a friends for a sleepover. The house was a filthy mess, I went home and cried for ages. Total overreaction I know, ds was fine, but that was aged 11 at a house he hardly knew. My dcs had had sleepovers at other friends houses before that, but not aged 3. More like 7 or 8 when they understand what it going on!

Far too young, particularly with people that she’s not familiar with.

Far too young. Ds recently had 3 friends over for a sleepover for his 9th birthday. Two of them hadn't been to a sleepover before except with family.

Melawati
We moved to a new area 2 years ago, 200+ miles from any family. The only people we know here now are people with children of their own, either through work or parent groups, so babysitting isn't really doable.

I wouldn't want anyone I don't know looking after DD - ie, local teenagers or someone from the internet etc.

I think sleepover or not, you need to listen to DW not so subtle hints that she wants done adult time. Perhaps day dates etc are a good idea & using this family for childcare / play dates.

You can then build up to overnight if and when you’re all ready, whenever that maybe.

Then you need to get to know someone and develop a relationship with them. We also live miles from family, and moved to a new area where we knew nobody when the DC were small. I found babysitters through local parenting networks - childcare workers with references, first aid certificates and DBS certificates.
Your DW is telling you she needs some adult time with just the two of you. With a 3 yo DD I think she’s perfectly reasonable to think a night out together is doable, but I’m with you on the sleepover.

Im quite a liberal mum but at 3 years old thats far too young to be going for sleepovers at a house youre not familiar with and people who you dont know very well. I'd put my foot down I'm afraid

One of my children started going to sleepovers with her best friend at 3 but they both really wanted to and it was fine. In your situation I wouldn't. (My six year old still hadn't unless it's for childcare reasons)

Gosh you’ve not been out with your partner in 3/4 years???? Babysitters are brilliant abs liberating. I used locsl nursery workers when tiny and teens after that. I make sure they are in bed before we go.

You need adult time too. I totally agree on the sleepover due to age but you sound highly strung if you wont use a sitter either.

I have a 3 year old very nearly 4 and I’d not consider a sleepover with people well known to us for several years, 8 maybe at a push if we knew and trusted the family well. I’m not remotely precious either, we left her overnight with grandparents at 3 months old and an entire weekend at 6 months.

We haven't been out just the two of us in 2 years, since we moved here. Not highly strung, but don't want to leave my child with just anyone just for the sake of a night out.
We work half an hour away from home, and our daughters nursery is close to our work.
As such, none of the staff live near to us. I will ask around though as I do recognise that it would be nice to go out. But my DD is my priority and in order to enjoy a night out, I'll need to feel confident and comfortable that she's ok.

My kids are teen/tween and have done sleepovers with family or close friends from the age of 7 or 8. (I think DD might have stayed with gp age 3)
Even now I'm not sure I'd want them to go to a sleepover with someone I didnt know well, and who lived remotely

I wouldn't leave a 3 year old with them on a play date during the day for a couple of hours and an absolute massive no to a sleepover for a good few years yet it's just ridiculous and I'm sure the lady meant well

Absolutely not, 21 will we the approved age in our house for my son . But seriously 3 is far too young.

Follow your and your wife's instinct.

I'm surprised that no one has mentioned that one of the biggest risks associated with sleepovers is abuse. I personally know of several cases where sexual abuse started at friends' houses during sleepovers. Most cases of abuse are committed by people known to the child, ie family or friends, and sleepovers give ample opportunity for access. Given the cases I've been involved with, my dc will never be allowed to sleep at friends houses, at least not until their later teen years.

I know is not the same but I had a friends 4 year old and his sister stay with me for several weeks whilst their mum hand cancer he was absolutely fine.

I completely agree with you. Put your foot down. That's way too young for a sleep over. I would not even let my 8 year old go on a sleepover. It is weird, like many other people have said, that they would offer it. How old is their child? 10+? Just very strange. Prioritise your child as you have been doing. There will always be time for date nights...

Absolutely no way.

It's not about being too young but being inexperienced.
She's not stayed away from you overnight before so she wouldn't know what to do at night if she needed something.
Learning that with someone she'd met once at a party is ridiculous.
And what if she wets overnight for fear of getting lost to the loo? She is happy for strangers/adults who watched her briefly play at a party to undress her and assist her back into bed?
She'll never play at a party again for fear of you leaving her there!

I don't blame you. My dd never slept only (aside from at my mums) and 3 is far too young.

The thing is though, Pixxie. That's entirely different. These are only ops wives colleagues. Your friends kids could be virtually like your nephews/ nieces if you're very close. You were hardly a total st ranger to him were you

I agree with you, 3 is too young for a sleepover.