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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To choose my child over my partner

79 replies

TheGoldenChild · 31/12/2019 22:36

My son has always been a difficult child from an early age, we have suspected some form of ADHD or behavioural issues. He has been assessed by a psychiatrist who has confirmed there is nothing psychologically wrong with him and that he just enjoys acting out. They are still trying to get to the bottom of it but are as yet still to find reasons behind his behaviours.
He has always rubbed along with my partner ok (for the last 7 years) but then something came to light recently where it was found that my son has stolen from my partners house - (not the first time he has stolen) nothing really of high value but enough to warrant my partner to hit the roof. I’m trying to keep the details to a minimum as I don’t want to be recognised but it then ended in an argument with me and my partner where I was told that my son was no longer welcome in his home and that things between them would never be the same again.
I told my partner it was ok to be angry for a time but that eventually he was going to have to move on from the situation and make amends with my son for all of our sakes. He refused and said that he wanted no further relationship with him and that if I had any sense I would disown him because he was on track to ruining my life.
I obviously packed my things and left and told him that from here and now our relationship was over because my child clearly comes first.
We haven’t spoken now for a few weeks but then over the last couple of days I have been receiving messages from him pretty much just saying that if I cut my son from my life then we could try and make it work again but that my son would not be and never could be a part of it.
I told him that this wouldn’t work and that unfortunately for him I will always choose my son regardless of his behaviour and the things he is doing.
It has ended with me being told that no man will ever want me and no man will ever accept my son because he is a delinquent meaning that I will have a very lonely life.
My ex partner has his own child and I don’t know how he can expect me to make such a decision. It hurts and I miss him and I have found that I am feeling resentful towards my child for putting me into such a horrible situation where my own happiness doesn’t get a look in.
I know that I made the right choice morally but I am being told by numerous people around me that I didn’t think of my partners needs and how he felt and that I shouldn’t have been so hasty in walking out on him.
Any advice is welcomed. I just don’t know if I have dealt with the situation correctly and there should have been more measures I could have taken to make everyone around me happy because all I know is that everyone is miserable now, myself included.

OP posts:
MirriMazDuur · 31/12/2019 22:41

He's a piece of shit who would get some kind of power kick out of getting you to choose him over your own son. Now he's throwing a tantrum and saying a load of stupid crap because it hasn't worked.

MirriMazDuur · 31/12/2019 22:42

There wasn't an alternative to think about really was there?

Redshoeblueshoe · 31/12/2019 22:43

How old is your DS ?

Justmuddlingalong · 31/12/2019 22:43

He expects you to cut your DS out? I don't know what he actually means by that. Is he suggesting you end your relationship with your DS?

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 31/12/2019 22:44

Kids always come first. Their needs are greater. We love them unconditionally. Your DP doesn't understand this at all.

MulticolourMophead · 31/12/2019 22:44

Child over partner. I think you can get help to help your DS, but your ex will always be a shit.

EKGEMS · 31/12/2019 22:44

Anyone who would ask you to disown your child is so far gone I cannot express to you how bad it is! He is insane to think you could have any semblance of a relationship under his conditions! It's natural to be upset with your child and to mourn the end of a relationship but you know,as a mother,you can't continue the relationship. Your son was wrong but your BF is wrong as well. Ignore your family

Beccaishere · 31/12/2019 22:45

I’m sorry but no man comes before your son you have done the right thing here. Your ex has shown his true colours instead of trying to help you and your son find a solution to your problems.
I hope you find some help for you and your son Flowers

AHippoNamedBooBooButt · 31/12/2019 22:46

You can replace a partner, you can't replace a child. ALWAYS pick your child

Whatsername177 · 31/12/2019 22:46

Your ex is an asshole. Block his number and concentrate on rectifying your relationship with your son. He doesn't deserve your resentment.

DelphiniumBlue · 31/12/2019 22:47

Unless your son is an adult, you don't have a choice really, how can you cut your child out of your life?
If your son is an adult, you'd have more of a choice, but ican't imagine many women would choose a boyfriend over their son.
Why is your son stealing from him?

TheSoapyFrog · 31/12/2019 22:48

He sounds like a revolting human being and you should thank your lucky stars that you have a chance to be rid of him. The right man, a decent man, will love and accept your child as he is a part of you, and it will never even cross his mind to ask you to choose.

Thingsdogetbetter · 31/12/2019 22:49

I think your son's age is important and strange you would miss that out. A seven year old with low impulse control, a fifteen year old who regularly steals or a 23 year old who has drug habit? Advice would be very different, as would suggestions on how to access more help.

Lllot5 · 31/12/2019 22:50

You have done the right thing. How could he ask that if you and just expect you to say you know what you’re right and cut your son out of your life.
How old is your ds

Original poster
TheGoldenChild · 31/12/2019 22:51

Thank you all just for confirming everything I already knew! I have been feeling like I've had a lucky escape and this is why I haven't broke and gone back. I have to just be strong and put my child first no matter what he does he's still my son. He's late teens so a difficult age to be at right now I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheGoldenChild · 31/12/2019 22:52

It's not strange that I left his age out. I left it out on purpose because his age shouldn't matter. He's still a child. My child.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheGoldenChild · 31/12/2019 22:53

Late teens but he's still in secondary school. Not late teens as in almost adult.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 31/12/2019 22:53

Bloody hell. You've dodged a bullet there. Onwards and upwards OP.

justasking111 · 31/12/2019 22:56

Actually his age is very important. How did you discuss this theft with your son? What was his reaction to the theft?

JesusMaryAndJosepheen · 31/12/2019 22:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JesusMaryAndJosepheen · 31/12/2019 22:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ByeMF · 31/12/2019 23:00

This situation sounds so awful I'm hoping it's a wind up.
If this really is your life op, you need to get yourself to a woman's refuge as this man is going to ruin you. Then he'll do the same to your children.

YourWinter · 31/12/2019 23:00

How is this even something you'd question?

mokapot · 31/12/2019 23:01

The votes tell you you were absolutely right

doritosdip · 31/12/2019 23:01

You did the right thing. You can't discard a child like a piece of gum ffs Angry

I understand the anger about stealing but the next step is to find out why/how to prevent future occurrences and not to ditch the boy ffs

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