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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To choose my child over my partner

79 replies

TheGoldenChild · 31/12/2019 22:36

My son has always been a difficult child from an early age, we have suspected some form of ADHD or behavioural issues. He has been assessed by a psychiatrist who has confirmed there is nothing psychologically wrong with him and that he just enjoys acting out. They are still trying to get to the bottom of it but are as yet still to find reasons behind his behaviours.
He has always rubbed along with my partner ok (for the last 7 years) but then something came to light recently where it was found that my son has stolen from my partners house - (not the first time he has stolen) nothing really of high value but enough to warrant my partner to hit the roof. I’m trying to keep the details to a minimum as I don’t want to be recognised but it then ended in an argument with me and my partner where I was told that my son was no longer welcome in his home and that things between them would never be the same again.
I told my partner it was ok to be angry for a time but that eventually he was going to have to move on from the situation and make amends with my son for all of our sakes. He refused and said that he wanted no further relationship with him and that if I had any sense I would disown him because he was on track to ruining my life.
I obviously packed my things and left and told him that from here and now our relationship was over because my child clearly comes first.
We haven’t spoken now for a few weeks but then over the last couple of days I have been receiving messages from him pretty much just saying that if I cut my son from my life then we could try and make it work again but that my son would not be and never could be a part of it.
I told him that this wouldn’t work and that unfortunately for him I will always choose my son regardless of his behaviour and the things he is doing.
It has ended with me being told that no man will ever want me and no man will ever accept my son because he is a delinquent meaning that I will have a very lonely life.
My ex partner has his own child and I don’t know how he can expect me to make such a decision. It hurts and I miss him and I have found that I am feeling resentful towards my child for putting me into such a horrible situation where my own happiness doesn’t get a look in.
I know that I made the right choice morally but I am being told by numerous people around me that I didn’t think of my partners needs and how he felt and that I shouldn’t have been so hasty in walking out on him.
Any advice is welcomed. I just don’t know if I have dealt with the situation correctly and there should have been more measures I could have taken to make everyone around me happy because all I know is that everyone is miserable now, myself included.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheGoldenChild · 31/12/2019 23:02

I discussed the theft with my son (not for the first time) he had some of his Christmas presents held back until his behaviour improves, his phone and console was confiscated and he was made to apologise and give back the stolen item. In my eyes enough was done in order to pay for his actions but it was obviously not seen in the same way by my ex partner.

OP posts:

Dieu · 31/12/2019 23:02

You made the only choice there was to make.
Your son is very young, and will grow out of being an arsehole. Your ex, on the other hand ...
You have undoubtedly done the right thing, but as I said, there was never an alternative.

Walnutwhipster · 31/12/2019 23:02

To me it would depend how old your son is. If he's 19 and stealing from your partner's home then I would feel differently than if he is 13.

ByeMF · 31/12/2019 23:03

Wrong effing thread. This man sounds like a twat too OP. Child first. Always.

Getitwright · 31/12/2019 23:04

Complex. Does your son understand that he has done wrong? Out of order for your partner to issue such an ultimatum, and you couldn't really make any other choice. By the same token, don’t let your son ruin your life either. You are probably going to have to make some tough choices when it comes to him as well, if he continues to steal.

Original poster

TheGoldenChild · 31/12/2019 23:04

I'm not questioning my decision; I'm questioning whether I dealt with it all correctly. I actually feel like I've just breathed out for the first time in weeks reading all of these comments. Thank you all so much just for confirming what I knew was the right move to make. When someone tells you enough that you are wrong you start to question yourself and doubt your own actions.

OP posts:

justasking111 · 31/12/2019 23:04

But the late teen stole. Suppose he stole from someone else who might involve the police. You cannot sweep this under the carpet and blame it all on your partner. Putting your partner to one side, you need to tackle this behaviour, get loud and pushy with the mental health people.

RJnomore1 · 31/12/2019 23:05

You told your partner HE had to make amends to your almost adult son for being stolen from?

He reacted badly to that but I reckon I would have too.

What steps are you taking to bring your sons behaviour under control?

PorpentinaScamander · 31/12/2019 23:05

Children always come first.
My DP and I split recently because he 'cant stand' my dc and wont make me choose. My heart is broken but I would never have chosen him anyway

You've done the right thing op.

Original poster

TheGoldenChild · 31/12/2019 23:06

My son understands he is in the wrong but he also doesn't show any remorse or compassion. He knows I am sad but he doesn't seem care. He apologises but only because he is told to and it never feels like he means it. His behaviour has gotten worse over the last year or so and he has become very difficult. I feel he is just constantly being punished of late and so it doesn't bother him when he has to face consequences. He shrugs it off like it's nothing.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheGoldenChild · 31/12/2019 23:09

My son is 13. He isn't an adult RJNomore. And yes I felt my partner would have needed to grow up and treat my son as normal after he had gotten over his anger. Why would I let my child be around someone who clearly disliked him. He was the adult and therefore yes it was up to him to make sure their relationship wasn't fractured. Which he couldn't do and so I left.

OP posts:

Justmuddlingalong · 31/12/2019 23:09

You have to deal with your DS's issues. Not having to deal with your ex will enable you to concentrate on that.

RJnomore1 · 31/12/2019 23:10

13? Why did you say late teens but still in secondary school at 22.53 then?

Jeschara · 31/12/2019 23:11

Your partner is a idiot, but you do need to address your sons behavior. I also do not see why your partner needs to make amends to your son's behaviour.
If a partners son stole of me O would not be pleased but I would not ask him to choose though.

Original poster

TheGoldenChild · 31/12/2019 23:11

Sorry for being such a newb but Is there a way that this thread can be deleted later on tonight? If so then I feel like I would be happy to give more in depth details that people are asking me, I also know that there are people from my sons family on here and so I need to be careful what I am saying. If it can be removed then I will go ahead and answer everything without being cagey about details. I don't want to risk anyone working out who I am that's all.

OP posts:

Getitwright · 31/12/2019 23:11

Will he shrug off someone thumping him for thieving, or a prison sentence, because this is ultimately what the end result could be? He needs help of some sort, and I hope you can work things out. Very sad that you have to have your life made so stressful, even if he is your child.

PorpentinaScamander · 31/12/2019 23:13

13 isnt late teens it's only just a teenager. And 13 year olds can be idiots. Grade A idiots. I'd know I own one . And I'm fairly certain he's the DC that was the 'problem' not the 15 year old.

sam221 · 31/12/2019 23:24

You dealt with it correctly, children should always come first. At 13 your child needs you so much, yes they are difficult at that age but they do get better.
Be firm about the theft but maybe your ex partner was part of the issue? He sounds vile and children act out, for attention in their own clumsy way.
Fingers crossed this is a good turning point and Happy New Year!

lborgia · 31/12/2019 23:24

It sounds as if your son has problems. you are trying to get to the bottom of that.

Your ex sounds appalling, so I hope that being back to just the two of you might help with your son, or at least the amount of time and energy you have to check things out.

NO child steals for no good reason. Just because he appears not to care, doesn't mean there isn't something up.

Yes, you deserve your life. But even if it takes a couple of months, or even a couple of years, to get back an even keel with your son, it will be worth it, because next time you meet someone (who is not a despicable twat), you will be able to introduce him to a happier, calmer kid. If you accept that, rather than kicking against it, you'll come out of it better.

I would never have said this 5 years ago, but 2 young teens, and similar "just bad for the sake of it" and I've found different.

Btw, you say you're all miserable. Well, DS was already miserable, DEx deserves to be miserable and it's his own doing, you are naturally miserable because you've left a 7 year relationship. Don't expect everything to be ok right now!

Good luck

Littlemeadow123 · 31/12/2019 23:25

Ok so 13 isnt late teens then. It is early teens.

Definitely put pressure on the mental health team. No compassion or remorse doesn't necessarily mean that your son has special needs but it is a red flag. Children with undiagnosed SENDs can misbehave more out of frustration and not understanding why, no matter how much they try, they are not like their classmates. If he does have an undiagnosed SEND then that may explain an increase in bad behaviour.

Littlemeadow123 · 31/12/2019 23:25

And your ex partner is a twat and you deserve better.

lborgia · 31/12/2019 23:26

We really don't need more details. I don't care if your son is 25. If twat's solution is an ultimatum to never see your son again, that is never ab acceptable way to treat the situation.

Thingsdogetbetter · 31/12/2019 23:26

I was assuming he was an adult as you ex suggested cutting him off and that suggested, to me, dc was full blown independent adult. (My bad, I apologise for making such an assumption.)

Where in God's name did your ex think you would cut off a teenager to? The streets? I can almost understand the suggestion said in the heat of the moment, but to contact 2 week's later saying the same thing is nuts and shows he hasn't been able to rationalise this at all and you were right to end the relationship immediately. Your ex seems very bitter (and down right nasty about no other man would want you - ie I'm your last chance so you'd better cling on to me desperately) considering he gave a ultimatum that no parent would accept.

What have the school suggested, or are they useless without an SEN diagnosis? Has he been assessed for Oppositional Defiance Disorder? After working with students with ODD some certainly seem to relish their actions as it entertains them. However, being difficult, acting out and a bit of stealing seems a bit mild for ODD.

Can I ask about his biological father? Did he leave (still in son's life?) or were you widowed when dc was young and starting on this 'difficult' child route? Was there a bit gap between having you all to himself until you meet ex 7 years ago? I worked with challenging teens for a long while and things like these that would be considered normal life changes often had profound and ott effects on them.

Strangely most of them were desperate for strict structures and rules (outside the family or school structure), wanting to join army etc. (Some of the worst cases really enjoyed juvenile prison bizarrely).
Boxing and martial arts often helped because strict discipline was essential to succeed and they respected the 'hard men' who trained them.

IceColdCocaCola · 31/12/2019 23:29

Sounds like you've got rose tinted glasses on regarding your son and it's going to get in the way of any possible relationship until you take them off! He was probably more pissed at your reaction to your sons theft than the action itself, and that's what has caused such a big deal. Yes your child always comes first before any partner, but would you honestly expect anyone to be OK with theft??

Savingshoes · 31/12/2019 23:30

You are enabling your son's bad behaviour. You are supporting him to be a thief and a bully the people around you.
Your partner was right to leave you, it would not be fair on him.

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