To choose my child over my partner

[TheGoldenChild]

My son has always been a difficult child from an early age, we have suspected some form of ADHD or behavioural issues. He has been assessed by a psychiatrist who has confirmed there is nothing psychologically wrong with him and that he just enjoys acting out. They are still trying to get to the bottom of it but are as yet still to find reasons behind his behaviours.
He has always rubbed along with my partner ok (for the last 7 years) but then something came to light recently where it was found that my son has stolen from my partners house - (not the first time he has stolen) nothing really of high value but enough to warrant my partner to hit the roof. I’m trying to keep the details to a minimum as I don’t want to be recognised but it then ended in an argument with me and my partner where I was told that my son was no longer welcome in his home and that things between them would never be the same again.
I told my partner it was ok to be angry for a time but that eventually he was going to have to move on from the situation and make amends with my son for all of our sakes. He refused and said that he wanted no further relationship with him and that if I had any sense I would disown him because he was on track to ruining my life.
I obviously packed my things and left and told him that from here and now our relationship was over because my child clearly comes first.
We haven’t spoken now for a few weeks but then over the last couple of days I have been receiving messages from him pretty much just saying that if I cut my son from my life then we could try and make it work again but that my son would not be and never could be a part of it.
I told him that this wouldn’t work and that unfortunately for him I will always choose my son regardless of his behaviour and the things he is doing.
It has ended with me being told that no man will ever want me and no man will ever accept my son because he is a delinquent meaning that I will have a very lonely life.
My ex partner has his own child and I don’t know how he can expect me to make such a decision. It hurts and I miss him and I have found that I am feeling resentful towards my child for putting me into such a horrible situation where my own happiness doesn’t get a look in.
I know that I made the right choice morally but I am being told by numerous people around me that I didn’t think of my partners needs and how he felt and that I shouldn’t have been so hasty in walking out on him.
Any advice is welcomed. I just don’t know if I have dealt with the situation correctly and there should have been more measures I could have taken to make everyone around me happy because all I know is that everyone is miserable now, myself included.

I've never heard of ODD but will certainly do some research on it thank you!
He is having a difficult time at school he cannot stay in lessons without being removed for being disruptive, he spends his entire school days in isolation or he gets suspended every other month. The school have appointed a social worker to spend time with him who is also at a loss with him as they can't work out what goes on in his head. They say he enjoys negative attention more than positive which is why he acts out as much as he does.
His dad is very much in his life and is very supportive there have never been any issues from that side. We have an ok relationship; we aren't best friends but we get along for the sake of our son. We make decisions together about his punishments and they get followed through with whichever parents house he is at.
He has been assessed for ADHD and that has been ruled out although I do have my suspicions that they were too hasty in that respect. He has been assessed for autism too and he doesn't show signs of having it. He just has no concept of anyone else and sometimes I think he is just a rebelling teenager eager to piss everyone off but at other times I simply think there is something wrong with him and this is mainly down to the fact that no one can seem to get into his head or work out why he behaves this way.
He is a bit of a bully amongst his friends and he seems to be getting into a lot of physical fights over the last year. His stealing is more about what he can take and the thrill of it rather than the fact he wants the item he has stolen. So as you can tell I am just up to my eyeballs in stress with him!

I don't think he is wrong for not wanting your son at his house, and you aren't wrong for choosing your son. The fact your son shows no remorse would be enough for me to not want him in my house either to be honest. If he doesn't care about punishment or feel bad it would be hard to deal with. You are his mum though which is different from your ex. Is your Ds's dad in the picture?

Had your partner asked every man, about 3.5 billion? If not then he doesn’t know if another man will put up with you and your son.

Put your child first and tell this man to jog on.

Hope you get some support with your son.

I would never condone someone stealing. Never in a million years would I let my child get away with anything. If you had read the thread you will see I exhaust all avenues of punishment. I don't wear rose tinted glasses my child has become a horror and in no terms do I find his behaviour acceptable. But I also won't let a full grown man mistreat a child and treat him differently when clearly there are deeper issues within my child that could be detrimental to his development. The very last thing he needs is to feel like he is disliked by his mother's partner. He's still a child remember he still needs to be shown love and support regardless of what he has done.

Your partner shouldn't have really expected you to choose,, however he is probably right to take a step back if you are having trouble with your son.

Its probably best to go back to just the 2 of you for a bit, so you can concentrate on your son.

Savingshoes - thank you for your wonderful words of support and wisdom. If you cannot add anything constructive and prefer to be a bitch then just don't bother. I don't need to hear that I deserved my partner to leave me. (Which by the way it was the other way around, read it all next time).

Ahh what a horrible position to be in. But yes you have to chose DS.

Nope. My kids will always come before a man, even my husband ( their dad )

The bullying, aggression, stealing from thrills rather than gain, inability to see the point in following rules, lack of remorse (does he care about punishments?) and lack of empathy for you could also suggest Conduct Disorder so that may be worth researching. ODD and CD are much less well know than things like Adhd and ASD in mainstream schools and with many psychiatrists who work mainly with more common disorders. You would need to push for specialist in the disorders to assess.

OP - your last post was the best thing ever, and it was your own. Hold your nerve, you know what's needed.

Omg and enough with the stealing items is more important than anything else. It's a symptom!

Blimey. You're well shot of him.

Are you sure your (hopefully ex-) DP's relationship with your DS hasn't also been aggravating any problems your DS has? Because it wouldn't be amazing if the theft and lack of contrition were all part of some deep-seated but unarticulated desire for revenge.

Btw, who did the autism assessment? Sometimes even professionals find it difficult to get past the bad behaviour... sometimes.

Thank you so much I have just read a little bit about ODD but he doesn't fit into a lot of the categories and is a lot older than the usual age of diagnosis. He doesn't tantrum when he doesn't get his own way: it's more of a sulk.
He isn't bothered about punishments neither. If we take away his phone and consoles he will sit and read or will find something else to do. I know it's bothering him deep down but he would never admit it because he knows if we think it doesn't bother him we will stop using it as a punishment. That's how he works but obviously we are cleverer!

My son has always gotten along with my ex - they had a friendly and quite jokey relationship. Always messing around, joking with each other and lightly insulting each other in the way that only boys enjoy. I have always felt he looked up to my ex and wanted to be like him, hence why he stole an item of his that could have been looked upon as trying to be like him. But then when I look at other items he's stolen and who from it seems that there's no pattern it's the thrill of doing it. He doesn't attempt to hide his loot neither he couldn't care less whether he's caught with it.

I had a young family member steal from my house - twice. I was devastated as I made my home a safe space for her as she was troubled at home. She was thirteen too. Her mum expected me to get over it but I really struggled as there wasn’t really a proper talk or apology over it. I did eventually but things where never the same again.

You shouldn’t have expected him to get over it and just move on so quickly. The trust was damaged and that would have taken time - if ever to get back. He was perfectly in his right to feel like that.

However - that’s your son. Your child. The fact he tried to make you disown a thirteen year old is ridiculous. He should have bowed out gracefully and ended the relationship instead of requesting something that’s absurd.

You did the right thing.

Not caring about punishment is particular to Conduct Disorder I believe. I'm not an expert, but taught many teens after diagnosis and multiple explosions. Some had all traits, some didn't, but all were very self absorbed and saw themselves as the centre of their universe and the rest of us just there to facilitate and entertain them. (And they found frustrated, angry adults handing out punishments and negative attention VERY enterta

Oops posted too soon .....VERY entertaining!).

Multiple EXPULSIONS ! Bloody autocorrect.

I am absolutely 100% convinced he has Conduct Disorder. I feel like I am reading word for word about my child when I've just been looking through research articles. I cannot believe that for all this time it has been overlooked and this could be the answer to everything that has been going on. I cannot thank you enough for all of your help it means the world to even just feel the relief I feel now. I hope that this is something that can now be looked into and hopefully diagnosed. He ticks every single box and more!

You done right, no one ever has the right to ask you to chose where your children are concerned. I do feel for you, reading about your ds in school is just like reading about my ds1. Whatever your sons behaviour he is just a kid and he is going round in a vicious circle and until the cause is determined it will continue. As a parent you feel totally helpless but you are all he has. I hope you get some answers.

Dodged a bullet with the ex-partner.
You need to get your son sorted though. I understand you have had him assessed but I’d now have him seen and treated by a clinical psychologist who specialises in teens and see what they make of it and they can start on the path to assistance. Even if he never gets a diagnosis they can help him and yourself with the problems he obviously has.

There wasn't an alternative to think about really was there?

This.

He has been assessed by a psychiatrist who has confirmed there is nothing psychologically wrong with him and that he just enjoys acting out.

This was a big red flag to me so I will tell you a story of my son and my coworkers granddaughter.
Eldest had ear infections when he was small, they did not cause him pain so we rarely caught them early. Doctors gave antibiotics and looked no further. When he was 9 I insisted that there had to be a reason and I wanted answers so I was sent to an ear nose and throat specialist. In the blink of an eye the problem was identified as abnormal adenoidal growth. Surgery ended the ear infections but not until he had lost some hearing.
Twenty years later I am ride sharing with a coworker who tells me her granddaughter was putting her finger down her throat till she choked and sometimes vomited. She was two. The doctor said she did it for attention.
I explained the price my son paid for my letting the doctors dismiss his repeated ear infections for years. She got a 2nd opinion and sure enough, there was blockage that had to be surgically removed.

Never ever listen to anyone who dismisses a problem behavior by saying they only do it for attention. Of course they need attention to the problem.
Stealing is a symptom. You have a right to expect the symptom to be investigated until the problem can be identified and hopefully treated.

I don’t think his Age makes any difference really and you have clearly said you have addressed that stealing is wrong. You sound like you are absolutely trying your best in a really difficult situation and you needed a supportive partner. I’m sorry you didn’t have one. Well done you for being brave and ending the relationship.
I hope things improve with your son as it sounds very hard.

You sound like a wonderful mother OP. 13 is an incredibly difficult age with or without additional needs. Your son needs you and all the love you can give him and good for you for putting him first. X