To tell my ex i no longer want to drop the kids to him

[Tattooedmama]

Moved 30 minutes away around 2 years ago to a better area to raise my children , exh wasnt very happy and didnt bother to contact the kids for weeks. Contact was as and when he could be arsed to get a lift, then it became more regular and it was going well.
I then passed my driving test and as i thought, his lift could no longer do it so i said i would if he paid my fuel (the only fucking thing he does pay for)
Ive been doing this for over a year EOW and im fed up, im having to go into work late or take them late on a friday night because after school traffic is too chaotic.
Im now wanting to start my hobby again which is on a Friday night, so im considering telling my ex i can no longer bring the kids to him and he will need to sort it, i will still do pick up so 2 pick ups a month 30 minute drive away.
Now i know he would rather not see them than make the effort to collect them, it actually really pisses me off that for the last 10 fucking years he hasnt paid a penny in maintenance but yet i still do this for him (well i actually do it for the children)
Ex is a manipulative prick and tell the children (who are teens and still in school) that its all my fault and how selfish i am
He also is allowed them whenever he likes in school holidays, im extremely flexible and work around whats good for him and the kids, so im not a total bitch and i think considering his lack of parenting im a little too easy going.

There is so so much more but i could he here all night.

So AIBU to stop taking them to dads?
Or should i suck it up and carry on, accept i cant do my hobby cos their dad is too damn lazy to do any sort of parenting.

I think you have been more than reasonable. If his kids mean so much to him he'l find a way to see them. Lazy fucker

Its alot of dual carriageway so 70mph most of the journey

Ellisandra in rural areas that can be a fairly realistic journey - I drive 30 miles to work in anything between 35 and 45 minutes depending how many tractors (and on weekend later morning or afternoon journeys cyclists) I get stuck behind...

But o. That note the argument that the OP "moved away" (which admittedly try by OP provided herself) are ridiculous - a 30 minute drive is nothing at all, negligible. 30 minutes travel time really is very little - the average commute in the UK is exactly that - half an hour each way, an hour total.

That goes both ways - a parent who can't be bothered to travel 25 miles to maintain contact with their children is less than pond slime, but similarly it's not a big ask eow to take your children to an activity, even if the activity is contact with their looser man child father.

Try by = the

I must admit I don't get the received wisdom that a good parent lies to their children to protect a deadbeat loser non maintenance paying, can't be bothered to take a bus (or in other cases absent or abusive) co-parent. What is the logic behind this rather perverse wisdom.

Surely it'd be healthy to be objectively honest and tell children that it's absolutely normal and healthy to want to maintain a relationship with both parents, part of who you are, normal to care yada yada BUT also be honest that he doesn't pay maintenance, isn't willing to travel, was having an affair or whatever, as long as the facts are given as objectively as possible.

Why are mother's generally advised to lie to protect the terrible behaviour of fathers, rather than to use age appropriate language and keep emotion out of initial information but be calmly honest if asked about how they subjectively feel, especially to older children?

More time for own collection? 30 mins is less than school run.
My teenagers spend with their father as much time as they want, except for school days when they are with me(yes, could have been ALL no school days with him, ALL Christmas days). Catch is they arrange it between themselves, I am not involved at all at my own insistence, I am just informed by kids. Distance maybe 2 miles. No mistake, 2 (as two, couple, 1+1) miles. Willingness by father 0.1% As a result they see him very little, not every week, sometimes skip 2 weeks and then they walk or cycle to his place and stay there for few hours.
He tried to blame me but that backfired as kids are not stupid.

I think you should carry on doing it as you're the one who moved away. Or put them in a cab and get your ex to pay for it.

@MrsMillerbecameababy 100% agree
I don't drive, live in a town. 30 mins is a normal walk/bus/train for anywhere.

A different perspective
You've given them 10 years of contact with him because you literally dropped them on top of him despite knowing HE DOESN'T WANT TO PARENT THEM ENOUGH TO GET OFF HIS ARSE.
If you had not done this, would he still see them? Would he have got a job? a car?

tell the children (who are teens and still in school) that its all my fault and how selfish i am hmm
What is 'it'? the IT that is all your fault?
him not being resident?
them not living with him?
him not making any effort at all?

Tell your DCs they are more than welcome to see him, they can arrange it with him.
If they complain explain that he is an adult same as you.
He is capable of it.
You have already done it for years.
They don't care how they get to him.

A shitty dad is a shitty dad for life, whenever you decide to step back they will be left dealing with him. Except they must already know he's a selfish prick with no empathy for them and you are currently acting as the bona fide excuse for his crappy relationship with them.
Thats not a service it's a hindrance.

OP you have been a saint in facilitating your feckless ex. Start your hobby. YOU deserve it. Your DH has the time to collect children or at least meet them from the first bus.

Do explain it to your children first - as early teens, they will get the amount of effort he is prepared to put into see them. It may be an eye opener for them.

Most kids realise the reality of what their parents have/haven’t done as they get older. So even if the children did have a problem with you not taking them now in years to come they will have an adults awareness of which parent did what.

That showed this year with mine when my 10 and 13 year olds refused to go to their Dad and his new partners house for Christmas. They wanted to be home with their ‘real’ family (their words) and not Dads ‘fake’ family. (It is a fairly new relationship). I think he was a little hurt but all I could think was he’s finely starting to reap what was sown. For part of their younger childhood they idolised him a bit which was frustrating for me but I kept quiet as I think it’s good for them to have that relationship with their dad.

My adult children are quite aware of which parent has done what over the years too.

As for whether you should keep driving them. I’d explain to him about your hobby and that you won’t be able to take them on Fridays (is it ongoing or is it a few weeks/months?) but you can bring them home Sunday if he can get them to his. Leave the ball with him to think of a solution first before deciding what to do next.

I’d carry on too given you were the one that moved them away. A hobby doesn’t trump the children’s needs. Can you not do the hobby in the day if you only work at night so it doesn’t impact on them?

I am torn. I do think you should carry on because they want to see him. When they’re older, they’ll never say to you that you obstructed contact. They will realise he’s a lazy loser and that you went above and beyond to compensate.

Are the two above posters kidding using phrases like 'a hobby doesn't trump children's needs' and 'in future your children will know you didn't obstruct contact' Did either of you read that the feckless ex DOES NOT WORK through choice. He has ample time to get the bus to collect his children. Did you read that her ex has paid no maintenance ever, never contributed to expenses. OP does the majority of the parenting and all the ferrying around but it's still not enough for you

Thank you all for the replies,
To the poster above saying that my hobby trumps my kids needs... clearly not, for the last year i have had to work my Friday evening shift around doing this for him, most of the time by going in on a Sunday which i no longer want to do.
My plan is to go to work on Friday evenings and then straight my hobby, i cant do it during the day because its only evenings it is on, believe me I have tried to find another evening but it is not possible.
I dont see why my life and interests have to be put on hold because he cant be arsed to pick them up

Totally agree KC, the OP hasn’t mentioned anything about disability so I presume she is right and he is just suffering from lazybastarditis.

He has five kids I think between the OP and his other ex. Even if each child was £20 a week in maintenance that would be half his minimum wage gone on his kids. So it’s better for him to not work.

Isn't it shocking that people can still pull this stunt in this day and age. It’s disgraceful.

Hope he’s not planning on having any more children as the public purse or the mothers shouldn’t be saddled with his responsibilities/half of the responsibilities

I'd go with the PP's suggestion of sitting with the kids and talking to them about it.

He is a disgrace to your children, definitely stop enabling him! What a bad example he is setting yours teenagers.

If he can’t be bothered to see his kids then they will sadly realise that at some point. You can’t shield them from his behaviour forever.
Just do your hobby. And explain to your kids you’re working and have a hobby to go to, so can no longer do drop offs.

Say your ex gets the bus to collect your kids. What if the bus to take them back to his isn't for another hour? Would you have your kids hanging about in the dark and cold while you're at a hobby? Unless there's an open cafe or somewhere they can go to wait on a Friday evening within walking distance of your house, that isn't really going to work is it?

He's nigh on useless and credit to you for handling such a twat but you did move somewhere that you say is a bit rural and doesn't have good bus links so I would say based on that and the inconvenience to your kids to have to hang around waiting on buses and the time sat on the bus after a long day at school, you should keep doing it. If a Friday evening isn't suitable to drop them off, drop them off right after school on a Friday or on a Saturday morning. It's EOW you said, not every weekend

would you have your kids hanging about in the dark and cold while you're at a hobby?

No she wouldn't. Because once he has collected the children he is the adult responsible for them, so if he has to wait an hour for a bus with them it is not because the OP has put them out in the cold.

Also, So What? Car drivers have this weird idea that people suffer real misery if they're outside waiting for transport longer than 5 mins and it's bollocks, they wait, they get on the bus, they forget about being in the cold.

The OP moved to that area though so she does have to think about her kids waiting around in the cold and dark. The ex is useless but he didn't choose for his kids to live in that area. If the OP lived in an area with regular buses and there was only ever going to be a 10 minute wait or so then I think she could argue that she she chose an area that doesn't inconvenience anyone, it has good links and there's plenty of places for him to take the kids to if they do have to wait but if we're talking a small village with a bus every hour or two and nothing open after 5pm, I don't think it's quite fair to say 'once he has them, he is responsible' and he's to blame when the kids get sick of being freezing cold and waiting ages for buses.

I personally wouldn't do that if I could get my kids there safely in 30 minutes. He didn't drive when they moved there so this was bound to be an issue at some point

I agree with Yappity.

He may be useless but you need to separate the for a moment. Look at the actual discussion rather than whether or not HE deserves OP doing this for HIM. It's all about the kids.

She moved away when ex didn't drive to a place with few transport links and then facilitated contact for over a year, and wants to just stop cold turkey despite her kids not wanting to stop seeing their dad and their dad having few reasonable ways to pick up.

You could take the view this is all his problem, but there are kids involved and sometimes a parent has to do these things for their kids. Ex needs to get off his arse and get more involved and do things but this is not the hill to die on, only the kids will be hurt.

I think saturday mornings instead of friday nights seems the most reasonable suggestion. Is there a reason that wouldn't work OP?

Why is everyone infantilising this bloke?

If my dad had lived a long journey on an unreliable bus route when I was a teen, I would have done it and wouldn't have thought to 'blame' anyone if I got a bit chilly.
I would have questioned why he didn't want to see us enough that he wouldn't bother unless my mum delivered us to his door like a bloody take away!

"Dad why did you stop seeing us after mum moved?"
"Well, she refused to deliver you and me collecting you would have meant waiting for a bus sometimes in winter"
"Dad?"
"yes"
"Why doesn't every bloke on benefits stop seeing their kids if they have to travel?"
"Who cares? I just blame your mum and it works really well"

This is infuriating!

Perhaps, if you decide to take the higher ground, you say Friday nights are no long ok and it will have to be Saturday morning or he can come get them Friday night?

This is what I would go for. Even though frankly he's a lazy arse and will obviously say 'oh, it'll have to be Saturday then /sadface/'