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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my ex i no longer want to drop the kids to him

75 replies

Tattooedmama · 31/12/2019 18:42

Moved 30 minutes away around 2 years ago to a better area to raise my children , exh wasnt very happy and didnt bother to contact the kids for weeks. Contact was as and when he could be arsed to get a lift, then it became more regular and it was going well.
I then passed my driving test and as i thought, his lift could no longer do it so i said i would if he paid my fuel (the only fucking thing he does pay for)
Ive been doing this for over a year EOW and im fed up, im having to go into work late or take them late on a friday night because after school traffic is too chaotic.
Im now wanting to start my hobby again which is on a Friday night, so im considering telling my ex i can no longer bring the kids to him and he will need to sort it, i will still do pick up so 2 pick ups a month 30 minute drive away.
Now i know he would rather not see them than make the effort to collect them, it actually really pisses me off that for the last 10 fucking years he hasnt paid a penny in maintenance but yet i still do this for him (well i actually do it for the children)
Ex is a manipulative prick and tell the children (who are teens and still in school) that its all my fault and how selfish i am Hmm
He also is allowed them whenever he likes in school holidays, im extremely flexible and work around whats good for him and the kids, so im not a total bitch and i think considering his lack of parenting im a little too easy going.

There is so so much more but i could he here all night.

So AIBU to stop taking them to dads?
Or should i suck it up and carry on, accept i cant do my hobby cos their dad is too damn lazy to do any sort of parenting.

OP posts:
sarahjconnor · 31/12/2019 18:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JKScot4 · 31/12/2019 18:49

They are teenagers can they not get a bus or train?

paranoidmum2 · 31/12/2019 18:50

YANBU, you have been doing drop-offs for way too long. Time to stop.

Why isn't he paying maintenance? Can you not go to CMS?

TheTrollFairy · 31/12/2019 18:51

I was going to say you were unreasonable given you moved away but seeing as he pays bugger all for the kids (does he think raising them costs nothing) I wouldn’t bother

Frankola · 31/12/2019 18:51

The standard rule is that whoever's moves away is the one expected to do the drop offs and pick ups. But this guy sounds like a dick

MelroseHigginbottom · 31/12/2019 18:51

Yanbu at all. Do your hobby. People like him are takers I can't stand that.

Original poster
Tattooedmama · 31/12/2019 18:51

The buses here are awful its over an hour and half into the town, then another 45 mins on another bus into a bad area where dad lives,they are only just into their teens so not ideal

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 31/12/2019 18:53

I'd say to him pick your own kids up I'm not your bloody chauffeur. Ff's.

Original poster
Tattooedmama · 31/12/2019 18:53

Ive tried to claim maintenance but he lives on benefits (literally no reason why he cant work) cma told me because he has 3 other children and on benefits im not entitled to anything

OP posts:
AngelsSins · 31/12/2019 18:54

Why on earth is he not paying maintenance?

Original poster
Tattooedmama · 31/12/2019 18:55

He quit work over 10 years ago when i put in a claim, never had anu any regular help since. All me who does everything.
Schiol trips, uniform, clothes, sports, glasses and the general costs of raising children

OP posts:
Elieza · 31/12/2019 18:57

Yeah stop doing it. You’ve done it for years. His turn.

He’s had plenty time to retrain for some kind of employment that would bring in money to enable him to get a car or afford train fares or whatever and he clearly hasn’t bothered. His loss when the children no longer bother with him either.

HouseworkAvoider10 · 31/12/2019 18:58

Oh god just stop doing it.
You owe this waster nothing.
Just tell him to go and fuck himself.
Cheeky bastard.

Original poster
Tattooedmama · 31/12/2019 19:00

My partner works full time and i work evenings but its all down to me ive totally had enough Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Tattooedmama · 31/12/2019 19:01

Hobby is starting in a few weeks so he has that time to have a plan to collect them twice a month

OP posts:
Wishforsnow · 31/12/2019 19:02

Yes, stop doing it. Doesn't sound like he is a positive influence in the kids lives anyway

SuperMeerkat · 31/12/2019 19:06

@Frankola Bollocks 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ There’s no ‘rule’ about the one who moves away having to do the driving.

cstaff · 31/12/2019 19:06

Well considering he is not working then he has plenty of time to pick up the kids. The fact that he is paying nothing towards their welfare would rile me up no end. If he wants to see them, let him do something about it. You have been too good for too long and the fact that you gave up your hobby to facilitate him is crazy. No doubt he will go off on one but surely the kids are old enough to be able to see through him and his antics by now.

lyralalala · 31/12/2019 19:07

What do the kids want?

If they still want to go then I think, given that you moved them to somewhere so difficult to get too, you should keep doing it

Not for him, but for them. He sounds like a dick, but they'll come to that conclusion themselves

RoseAndRose · 31/12/2019 19:07

Person who moves away normally does the travel.

Be very cautious about changing this - your current arrangement is totally standard and it will look like you are frustrating contact by abandoning the arrangement.

Is it court ordered?

GroggyLegs · 31/12/2019 19:11

Did he think you should be beholden to him until the kids learn to drive?

Get on with your life - you're showing them a better example by taking up a hobby than he is sitting on his backside leeching off others.

Bringonspring · 31/12/2019 19:12

There was another thread just the other day where the echo moved away so everyone said he had to do pick ups.

It does totally suck for you OP, but what do the children want? I think you have done an amazing job at keeping him in their lives. How old are they? Potentially if there getting to teens they may want to go less and hang out with friends etc

Original poster
Tattooedmama · 31/12/2019 19:12

No court order
I understand it was me who moved, but the area i was the crime rate was getting frightening

OP posts:
Original poster
Tattooedmama · 31/12/2019 19:13

They still want to see him, unfortunately he gives them so many sob stories about his lack of money and they feel sorry for him. Its infuriating because if he wasnt such a lazy wanker and got a job like the rest of us he wouldn't need to guilt trip them

OP posts:
MrsMillerbecameababy · 31/12/2019 19:17

Isn't he completely humiliated by being so helpless? How completely pathetic! If you choose not to drive you are creative about getting wherever you need to be independently by whatever method works for you and factor extra time into your life because you take responsibility for yourself surely? No healthy capable adult relies on lifts and one way favours!

He sounds like the definition of a looser, but nevertheless it's the children who matter. If they want to keep seeing him its understandable, as pathetic and parasitical as he is he's the only biological father they'll ever have, poor kids.

So I guess I'd do it for the children until they're old enough to meet him in town - somewhere safe they can get to conveniently by public transport.