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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my ex i no longer want to drop the kids to him

75 replies

Tattooedmama · 31/12/2019 18:42

Moved 30 minutes away around 2 years ago to a better area to raise my children , exh wasnt very happy and didnt bother to contact the kids for weeks. Contact was as and when he could be arsed to get a lift, then it became more regular and it was going well.
I then passed my driving test and as i thought, his lift could no longer do it so i said i would if he paid my fuel (the only fucking thing he does pay for)
Ive been doing this for over a year EOW and im fed up, im having to go into work late or take them late on a friday night because after school traffic is too chaotic.
Im now wanting to start my hobby again which is on a Friday night, so im considering telling my ex i can no longer bring the kids to him and he will need to sort it, i will still do pick up so 2 pick ups a month 30 minute drive away.
Now i know he would rather not see them than make the effort to collect them, it actually really pisses me off that for the last 10 fucking years he hasnt paid a penny in maintenance but yet i still do this for him (well i actually do it for the children)
Ex is a manipulative prick and tell the children (who are teens and still in school) that its all my fault and how selfish i am Hmm
He also is allowed them whenever he likes in school holidays, im extremely flexible and work around whats good for him and the kids, so im not a total bitch and i think considering his lack of parenting im a little too easy going.

There is so so much more but i could he here all night.

So AIBU to stop taking them to dads?
Or should i suck it up and carry on, accept i cant do my hobby cos their dad is too damn lazy to do any sort of parenting.

OP posts:
BubblesBuddy · 31/12/2019 19:22

They still want to see him so you should facilitate it. If you stop them seeing him he might go for a court order. Whatever you think about him, he is still the father of your DC. In time they will make their own judgements on his attitude. It’s not great to keep complaining about him. Try and negotiate another time to visit if your hobby trumps your DC seeing their father.

Selmababies · 31/12/2019 19:22

He's a lazy sod
However, as the children want to see him, could you just put them on the bus on a Saturday morning instead and he then meets them from the bus stop at the other end?
At least you'd get to do your hobby on a Friday night.

Cohle · 31/12/2019 19:22

He sounds like a dick, but you were the one who chose to move (to an area with poor bus connections back to where he lives). I think it's fair that you continue to facilitate access. Access shouldn't be dependant on him paying maintenance.

carly2803 · 31/12/2019 19:23

time to stop!

let him get off his lazy arse. i wouldnt even do any pickups or drops again

Original poster
Tattooedmama · 31/12/2019 19:24

Im not stopping them seeing him, i just dont want to work my friday nights around him anymore

OP posts:
Redcliff · 31/12/2019 19:25

How old are your 2 children? Is there anyone else that could come and get them?

Original poster
Tattooedmama · 31/12/2019 19:26

And access isnt dependant on maintenance, its just another thing he gets away with.
He gets to be the fun weekend dad, while i have to do pick ups/drop offs and 95% of parenting while he does nothing

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 31/12/2019 19:28

"They still want to see him, unfortunately he gives them so many sob stories about his lack of money and they feel sorry for him."

"Now i know he would rather not see them than make the effort to collect them"

I'm genuinely torn. Part of me thinks it would be better not to expose your children to a manipulative sponger, as it really is setting them up to be sponged off of as soon as they're earning. But the 'they still want to see him' is a problem. I worry that they will blame you when he doesn't make an effort to see them Sad. Is it maybe time to gently and gradually open their eyes to the reality? Ask them about the sob story, use questions (do you think you would do that? do you think that's all that happened?) to make them think about what's actually going on? It's not nice when you find out the adults around you have essentially sold you a fairytale.

I really don't know what would be for the best.

Sindragosan · 31/12/2019 19:30

Talk to your kids, would they understand access changing so you can do your hobby? Do they want to see him as much/as often as they do?

coconutpie · 31/12/2019 19:31

I would no longer do drop offs or pick ups. You've been doing it for far too long - if he wants to see the DC, then he can arrange lifts.

FatherB · 31/12/2019 19:46

coconutpie
That's the sort of advice I worry about, and I see it all the time here. Your advice is that he has to pick them up and drop them off and OP does nothing? how do you think that will look to the kids, to court? how is that reasonable in this situation? Especially given OP moved away. 50/50 is the best case scenario, but going further than that is terrible advice.

Anyway OP, it sounds like (if you wanted to be lenient) take kids at a different time on fridays or even saturday morning instead? Suggesting an option between ex having to collect or you drop off on saturday mornings instead puts the emphasis on him. He either accepts that he will pick up and then does it (great!) or doesn't (nothing to do with you since he agreed) or he accepts saturday mornings and you still get to do your friday evening thing.

The other option is literally to discuss it with ex. Frustrating to do, nobody likes talking to their ex but unless you want a lot of fuss long term it's probably easier to tell him you're busy friday nights and can't do the drop offs then anymore and see if he has any suggestions or preferences.

You could go in on attack mode and tell him you're not doing it anymore, and to be honest it's not like anyone can force you but it just doesn't look good on you if it goes to court (i believe if a routine is established over a long period of time then the court often expects it to stay in place for DC benefit and consistency) but more importantly DC won't understand.

Original poster
Tattooedmama · 31/12/2019 19:51

Im going to try talk to him... im happy to do 50/50 so if he picked them up friday, then i would do sunday

OP posts:
ButtonandPickle19 · 31/12/2019 20:01

I would agree to split the journeys 50/50 you do one way and he does the other. You’re the one who moved so really you should make effort to do that. But not all four as a matter of course.
But then do you want the kids to look back and see you did everything you could to help and he was a lazy bum or do you want him to have a sob story.

For your OP I think you’re still willing to do pick up, just not drop off as well which I think is reasonable.

Perhaps, if you decide to take the higher ground, you say Friday nights are no long ok and it will have to be Saturday morning or he can come get them Friday night?

FatherB · 31/12/2019 20:02

I think 50/50 ends up working for everyone in the end. When someone moves they're generally expected to travel more but realistically that's not until DC is 18, and you didn't move to the other side of the country.

I just worry that he won't do 50/50 (or can't) and then DC missed out as you mentioned they do want to see him. Just wondering if there's any other way to do it, do you have mutual friends who might be willing to help? or his parents or somebody? I guess that's something to think on depending on how the talk with him goes first though.

Good luck and hope the new year goes well for you and DC!

HugeAckmansWife · 31/12/2019 20:07

I would agree to 50/50 if he does 50% of everything.money, school runs, overnights, hobbies, appointments, ups and downs. The op moved 30 mins away, that's less than many people commute daily and she did it for good reason. It's just not as simple as 'who moved'? There can be many reasons why a single parent moves away after the other parent has chosen to leave the marriage and left 95% of parenting to them: housing costs, family support, better schools. Seeing a half arsed dad as much as possible, even when he isn't bothered, just because he created them doesn't automatically trump all the very real issues single parents face and tjr travelling eow is a massive red herring that makes the nrp look like a hero while the rp, who 9/10 times didn't ask to be in their situation is doing the very unglamorous day to day stuff and then gets hit with an expectation they should do the EOW bit too. Its bollocks.

Shelby2010 · 31/12/2019 20:10

How about you tell him that he can pick them up Friday pm, otherwise you’ll drop them Sat morning?

No doubt it will still end up being you every time, but at least you’ll be able to do your hobby & there won’t be so much traffic.

Snufflesdog · 31/12/2019 20:13

Just say If you would like to come and get your children Friday evening then you are welcome
I would love you to see them

If not, I will try to find some time on Saturday that suits to drop them off.

You’re not withholding access
He can get them
You’re offering to still drop them

Or offer every other time that you’ll do it
Then it’s only 1 Friday a month that you can’t do your hobby
Maybe your current dp could drop them

Or move the days to suit you?

That way kids aren’t losing out
But as a side note I’d be going out my way to show them a better male role model so they don’t think he’s the standard

Lllot5 · 31/12/2019 20:16

Ordinarily I’d say you moved so you do drop off pick ups, but in this case I think him doing Friday you do Sunday is more than fair.
But will he? Doesn’t seem likely.
So are you prepared to say to your kids sorry you’re not going? ( absolutely won’t be your fault btw)
Is any of this court ordered?

lyralalala · 31/12/2019 20:27

I think you need to play this very cleverly

Whilst it's highly unlikley he'd bother with court if he did then they could easily order you to do all the travel since you are the one who moved.

If he's manipulative he could also use it against you with the children - a friend of mine's ex did exactly that. "I let Mummy move away with you for your sake even though it means I can't see you so much and now she won't even bring you to visit..."

It has really damaged her relationship with them

Be careful

Original poster
Tattooedmama · 31/12/2019 20:31

Dont have a court order, he would never fork out for a solicitor
Its tough because i know how much they want to see him, but i dont want to keep doing this.
We only have 1 car so if i have it, my partner cant take them for me either

OP posts:
Original poster
Tattooedmama · 31/12/2019 20:33

I could understand his point if i moved hours away but its 25 miles, and there is a bus it just takes a while

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 31/12/2019 20:37

Talk to the kids first. And lay it out with no frills and no extras. Ask them what you should do. And what they'd do in your shoes. Nothing like a good dilemma to get their brains functioning.

Frankola · 31/12/2019 21:55

@SuperMeerkat if you look at the many similar threads on here when women talk about their ex moving away and asking to share pick ups and drop offs the standard response is "he chose to move. He does the driving".

Why is this different?

It is not.

Ellisandra · 31/12/2019 22:04

Where do you live that’s a 30 minutes drive for 25 miles?!

At the end of the day, what the children want is most important. It’s EOW and as you’d do 50/50 you’re only taking about 2 trips.

I get that he’s a complete arse, and it would also only be 2 trips got him. But as I said - it’s about the children.

I’d just change how you do it. Your kids are old enough to get buses, and old enough for you not to need a babysitter.

  • stop the Friday night drop off, go start your hobby
  • drop them off on a Saturday instead, but do it by dropping them into town, to get the bus out to him
  • change whatever drop off / pick up time is making you late for work

Also, is their school on a better transport link to him than back home? If so consider they get a bus to / from him, but to school.

Drum2018 · 31/12/2019 22:07

Surely the kids are old enough for you to politely explain that he can get off his arse and get a job in order to pay towards ferrying them to see him - be it by bus or taxi. Do they know that he doesn't pay a penny towards their upbringing? I'd stop all the driving and leave the ball in his court. As you say, he won't spend money on court so doubtful that you'd have to worry about that.

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