AIBU - cleaning the house mkaes me contemplate divorce every bloody time.

[montmatre]

I clean more deeply and more thoroughly than DP.

I regularly wipe down doors, skirting boards and scrub off random marks with my Karcher. it's my idea of clean and fresh - anything less makes me feel dirty.

Dp would always neglect these areas and it winds me up every time we clean up and all he does is move the hoover around (doesn't bother moving sofas etc).

Is it normal to fall out after every "deep clean"?

He also will tidy by shoving shit into a cupboard I spent hours wiping down and cleaning.

He says I have no ability to "prioritise"

Anyone experience something similar?

We did a massive clear out before Christmas so he complains that there is no need to go over bits. But with young children and a very muddy dog things don't stay clean for long.

The only way we can tidy together is if I set him big tasks like tidy out the car, scrub the pans etc.

You sound a bit extra but also "chunks of mud behind the tv"?! Really?? We have 3 kids and a labrador and I don't think chunks of mud in our living room have ever been a thing. Perhaps prevention would be better than arguing over the cleaning..

You need to decide what's more important to you - an OTT super clean house or a partner who makes you happy in other ways? If you would pick the
former you may as well end it now.

Our console table is in our hallway next to the shoe cabinet

Can you 1) lower your standards 2) afford a cleaner.

DH is never ever ever going to clean.

I will clean but rarely, hate it and will be bitter about the fact that DH is not doing it, or doing it really badly.

Our cleaner saves our marriage.

It's just his characterisation of me bing a controlling clean freak that gets to me. I asked him to get the hoover in between the wall and carpet as I could see some mess and he gets all aggravated. But if he tells me something similar I simply say okay and don't get wound up.

yabu op , sorry.

however, dh and i have a different approach to house cleaning standards and we have come up with the perfect solution. DH does the big stuff like bathrooms, sheets and loading and unloading the dishwasher every day, and wiping the sides and table every night.
I do basically everything else. He is not great at ad hoc, but committed to doing his share. it works really well.

you need to work this through and come to an agreement

You just have different ideas of what is “clean enough”. Neither of you are wrong. I think you have to make peace with this or you will waste loads of your marriage being pissed off at him. Pay for a cleaner. Clean to the level that makes you happy and accept that it’s never going to be done that way by him.

I don't know about you divorcing him but if I were him I'd be divorcing you. You'd drive me insane.

And frankly it sounds as if your problem is not your husband but your dog.

I’ve never ever cleaned with my h. We’ve been together for 28 years. We have a cleaner or I clean. He does other tedious shit instead.

Why don’t you just divide tasks according to skillz.

How often are we talking, OP? My partner is a bit like yours in that he does a bit of a quick & dirty job with cleaning a lot of the time (ie his version of cleaning the kitchen is to wash up, wipe the surfaces and sweep the floor - mine includes wiping the tiles, microwave, doors, windowsill etc), but every so often we both do a deep clean together and it all gets done properly then, so it's not a massive deal imo.

Also, I take on some of the points that have been raised.

But a lot of "OTT-ness" is because I'm fairly practical. I can see doing a 10-second wipe of the door every few days will save us scrubbing and polishing for ages several months down the line.

I hear you @montmatre. I like to clean ‘properly’ as we have a busy household with messy pets. However it’s a task we compromise on. When I clean I do it my way and when oh cleans he does it his way. That for me makes for an harmonious home. I always pick my battles and the way my oh cleans is not worthy of a battle. Life’s too short imo.

He does always do the toilets and dishes which I hate. I express my appreciation when he does.

Life is too short. Just needed to vent and am already calming down. Also, whilst I've been Mn'ing in bed he's been cleaning the car. Feel much less pissed off.

Me and my wife have different standards of what cleaning is, we comprised and got a cleaner once a week

@montmatre I do get what you're saying about keeping it at a good standard to save effort later, but really, even if you don't clean your doors for a few months, surely they don't take ages to scrub & polish?!

The white doors, door frames were spotless 10 days ago and already look shit

I can't imagine a door frame looks spotless for more than 10 minutes. Also can't imagine it looks like shit either. I suspect it looks a smidge less than perfect which is totally normal. I painted most of our door frames a year ago. Haven't felt the need to clean them since.

If you can afford a cleaner and this is affecting how you feel, get one.

I love cleaning. A clean house makes me feel calm and ordered; DH knows this and isn't a skip rat but doesn't give as much of a shit as I do. So our compromise is that we have a cleaner come in twice a week who is amazing. I'm happy because my house feels fresh and clean, he's happy because I'm less "argh I must clean" when I come in from work and the cleaner's happy because she's overrun with customers who've heard about her through us. Everyone wins.

It's just his characterisation of me bing a controlling clean freak that gets to me.

Well... by lots of people's standards, you are. You need to reach some kind of compromise or get a cleaner.

Seriously, why hoover behind the sofa every time you clean? It physically can't get that dirty unless you're in the habit of dropping stuff down the back, and you can't see behind there anyway.

If you can afford it, please get a cleaner. Absolutely the best money I spent pre school when I worked full time. I wouldnt recommend leaving it, he'll never do it and then you'll just have masses to catch up ... but if you can think of something else that will have impact do that or dont do it.

I don't hoover behind the sofa everytime - maybe monthly. But DH wasn't moving footstools, toy baskets etc which was causing my blood to boil.

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time here op, if the dirt is genuinely there, as it could well be with a big dog, I don't think you're being a clean freak at all.

I'm like your dh in that I just don't notice the muddy marks on the wall or the dirty skirting boards, but my dp does see it.

The difference is when he points it out I clean it without a huff (because I too can then see it/notice it as it's been brought to my attention) we then have a house that is clean enough for us to both be comfortable and harmony ensues.

It's the attitude that is the problem not the difference in standards imo

I am far more tidy than DH, and have a much higher standard than he does of cleanliness. If he was living alone, he would be even worse in terms of standards. We are still married because we outsource the bulk of housework to a cleaner.

Dh and I have fallen into natural cleaner vs tidier roles.

I’m the ‘tidier’ - I potter and surface tidy/wipe. I do most of the laundry and pick bits up and put them where they go. I make a room look decent enough in ten minutes - a tidy up, a sweep of the floor and quick surface wipe.

Dh is the cleaner who will happily step over the same pile of discarded clothing for days (until I pick it up)...but he’ll spend time disinfecting the kitchen, hot-mopping all the floors downstairs, cleaning the skirts and doors, dragging out and cleaning underneath the sofas once a week, bleaching the bathroom, cleaning out the fridge, bleaching the bin store and patio.

I used to get really frustrated with dh’s ability to ignore mess and step over scattered toys and crumbs, leaving his coffee mugs on the table and he used to at my failure to ‘properly’ clean things.

However we’ve realised that it’s much easier to tidy a clean room and it’s much easier to clean a tidy room so we just leave each other get on with it 🤷🏻‍♀️