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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this isn’t my fault or problem?

57 replies

ColourfulPony · 31/12/2019 14:54

CAO for ExH to see DD, who is young primary aged. 1 night a week from end of school and EOW.

The night a week switches to full day during school holidays (or if an inset day or BH falls on his normal day). He is not allowed to use childcare or leave her with family so if he can’t have her it defaults back to my problem.

He thought that DD was back at school this week (no idea why when he has the term dates), so is working on the day he’s due to have her. I am also working, so I booked her into holiday club and said he could pick her up when he finishes work.

Unfortunately holiday club have changed their plans and will now not be at where the club is held but are instead off on a daytrip. This means they won’t be back at the place the club is held until after what would be ExHs normal time to have her (school finishes at 3.15 so he has her 3.15-5.30, the trip won’t be back until 4pm). I told ExH that he either needs to book AL (which he apparently can’t as he’s not allowed leave in December and January – I don’t know if this is true or not) or she could go on the trip and he pick her up when they get back which he also can’t do as he doesn’t drive and had arranged a lift to where the club is held which he can’t rearrange.

I need the childcare, so if he’s not having AL to have her she will be going to the club. The trip is age appropriate for DD and she would love going, there is no option to stay behind plus it wouldn’t be fair to DD if she could as everyone else goes on these trips. The holiday club is open until I finish work and is the same price whether she’s picked up at 4pm by her dad or 5.30pm by me so I’m not worried. I could book AL though?

ExH is now telling everyone I am “making it impossible” for him to see DD. He was awarded no extra contact apart from full day in the holidays, he does get a bit extra contact over Christmas so actually had her twice last week due to Christmas Contact and his normal school holiday contact and he also had her this weekend so it’s not the absolute end of the world (to me anyway) if he goes a few extra days without seeing her.

AIBU?

Vote:
YABU – Should book Annual Leave and let him have DD as “normal”
YANBU – It’s his problem to either pick her up at 4pm or not see her

OP posts:
Chocolatemouse84 · 31/12/2019 15:00

If he wants to see her, he needs to either rearrange his lift and pick her up at 4pm, use a taxi or find a different form of childcare for the day that fits around his time.

It's not your responsibility to sort out annual leave... You have sorted out childcare for your day at work. I can believe he isn't allowed annual leave during this period, my employer does not allow it either but he's the one with the logistical issue, he needs to sort it.

PettyContractor · 31/12/2019 15:02

I'm not sure I've understood. He think you should take a days leave, and she miss out on the trip, to facilitate him fetching her at 3.15pm instead of 4pm?

If that's right, he's nuts.

I haven't voted because I can't believe I've understood the question correctly.

hazell42 · 31/12/2019 15:03

Its not a regular situation, and sometimes trips and things can be awkward to manage.
I would say it's always best to try to be accommodating if you can, as long as it is not all the time
Why be awkward if you can avoid it?
If however, you think he is taking advantage of you, that might be different. Only you know really
I would try to facilitate the relationship as much as possible, despite the fact that he might not be making 100% effort, because your child will appreciate it in the end

Original poster
ColourfulPony · 31/12/2019 15:04

He think you should take a days leave, and she miss out on the trip, to facilitate him fetching her at 3.15pm instead of 4pm?

He's saying I'm making it impossible for him to see her, basically implying that I should use my AL to look after her or not send her on the trip, which I can't do.

OP posts:
Original poster
ColourfulPony · 31/12/2019 15:06

Why be awkward if you can avoid it?

He can be a bit awkward in that he never seems to know to book his AL to have her during holidays so we're often in similar positions with needing holiday club etc but she's never been on a trip with holiday club on his day before.

OP posts:
OlaEliza · 31/12/2019 15:08

Why can't he use childcare?

PissedOffWithFIL · 31/12/2019 15:08

He’s been lazy and now realised she’s not at school expecting you to sort it. If he’d have asked nicely maybe you would have been more willing, but he hasn’t, instead he’s bad mouthing you. You did help out by arranging childcare, he’s now being pissy about that. It’s his problem to sort out. He can either pick her up at 4 or 5.30 or not see her that day. His choice.

DelphiniumBlue · 31/12/2019 15:08

Sorry, is he suggesting that you take a day of annual leave to facilitate him not having to hang around from 3.30 - 4?
Its so not your problem. You've sorted childcare, either he picks her up at 4, or you pick her up at 5.30. Or he takes AL and has her for the day.
As a working parent, you need to preserve your leave for those times when there is no childcare ( like that 2 week period at the end of August when everywhere seems to close), emergency sick days and so on. You can't take a whole day just to save him hanging around for half an hour!

OrangeSlices998 · 31/12/2019 15:09

Hang on so she’s getting back at 4pm and you want him to take a full days leave to pick her up and have her for 90 minutes? I’m so confused. Why don’t one of you take some flexi time or ask to leave earlier this one day to pick her up at 4?

crochetandshit · 31/12/2019 15:10

He should have checked term dates properly, and I would just keep repeating that on a loop.

PissedOffWithFIL · 31/12/2019 15:11

I don’t think you’re getting it @OrangeSlices998.

He either needs to take the annual leave and have his dd for the full day or pick her from childcare at 4pm

Original poster
ColourfulPony · 31/12/2019 15:11

Why can't he use childcare?

Because when asked in court he had no set plan for childcare he said he'd "see who was available at the time" and the judge felt he was saying he'd leave her with anyone even if she doesn't know or like them rather than pay for childcare like holiday clubs whereas I had a solid plan of known family members and she already had a guaranteed place at holiday club due to who I use for wrap around care.

OP posts:
Berthatydfil · 31/12/2019 15:12

His problem 100%.
He forgot to check term dates which caused this problem.

aroundtheworldyet · 31/12/2019 15:13

I’m a bit confused too. If he’s being an arse about only getting 1.5 hours then it was his choice at the end of the day.

Useful22 · 31/12/2019 15:15

Hes messed up, is disorganised and now you've had to sort childcare. You've done that FOR him, he should be grateful.

Purpleartichoke · 31/12/2019 15:19

He is a grown man who can figure out how to pick up his child at 4.

AgeShallNotWitherHer · 31/12/2019 15:24

YABU - of course he had no set plan for childcare if he was only seeing her one day a week - that is ridiculous. He would only ever need childcare in a situation like this one.

You seem to enjoy the fact that your DD cannot see her father. Does it mean you have "won"? Let her go on the trip and then talk to ex and see if there is another day that he can have her so that she doesn't miss out.

He is working, he wants contact with his daughter so unless there is a very good reason why it would not be good for her you, as her mother, should facilitate that.

Queenoftheashes · 31/12/2019 15:25

He sounds feeble. He is working a day when he should have made himself available and you have put a workaround in place. If this still isn’t good enough it’s his problem.

BritInUS1 · 31/12/2019 15:26

If it's his day to have her, he should be sorting out the arrangements

Presumably he's paying for the holiday club as he can't have her for the day

Not your problem

CheshireChat · 31/12/2019 15:29

But why should her mother have to take AL as her father doesn't want to and didn't even plan ahead.

maddening · 31/12/2019 15:30

He can book a taxi to take him to pick her up at the end of the childcare day trip that you have arranged to make up for his inability to arrange his leave accordingly.

Also, write down all the school holiday dates (should not have to but at least he has no excuse going forward) and hand them to him so he can plan properly like the rest of us have to.

Equanimitas · 31/12/2019 15:33

Can you just swap round the days just this once so he picks her up from the holiday club at the normal time on a different day?

YouTheCat · 31/12/2019 15:34

He's the one who got term dates wrong (easily checked).

He's the one being inflexible.

His problem.

LochJessMonster · 31/12/2019 15:35

Why can't she go on the trip, you pick her up after etc and then he has a different day of the week with her?

That way, no one has to book AL, DD goes on a trip she will enjoy and she gets a day with her father?

ReanimatedSGB · 31/12/2019 15:35

Do what suits you and never mind his whining. He's clearly not much of a dad and is more interested in making things awkward for you than in building a good relationship with his DD.

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