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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this isn’t my fault or problem?

57 replies

ColourfulPony · 31/12/2019 14:54

CAO for ExH to see DD, who is young primary aged. 1 night a week from end of school and EOW.

The night a week switches to full day during school holidays (or if an inset day or BH falls on his normal day). He is not allowed to use childcare or leave her with family so if he can’t have her it defaults back to my problem.

He thought that DD was back at school this week (no idea why when he has the term dates), so is working on the day he’s due to have her. I am also working, so I booked her into holiday club and said he could pick her up when he finishes work.

Unfortunately holiday club have changed their plans and will now not be at where the club is held but are instead off on a daytrip. This means they won’t be back at the place the club is held until after what would be ExHs normal time to have her (school finishes at 3.15 so he has her 3.15-5.30, the trip won’t be back until 4pm). I told ExH that he either needs to book AL (which he apparently can’t as he’s not allowed leave in December and January – I don’t know if this is true or not) or she could go on the trip and he pick her up when they get back which he also can’t do as he doesn’t drive and had arranged a lift to where the club is held which he can’t rearrange.

I need the childcare, so if he’s not having AL to have her she will be going to the club. The trip is age appropriate for DD and she would love going, there is no option to stay behind plus it wouldn’t be fair to DD if she could as everyone else goes on these trips. The holiday club is open until I finish work and is the same price whether she’s picked up at 4pm by her dad or 5.30pm by me so I’m not worried. I could book AL though?

ExH is now telling everyone I am “making it impossible” for him to see DD. He was awarded no extra contact apart from full day in the holidays, he does get a bit extra contact over Christmas so actually had her twice last week due to Christmas Contact and his normal school holiday contact and he also had her this weekend so it’s not the absolute end of the world (to me anyway) if he goes a few extra days without seeing her.

AIBU?

Vote:
YABU – Should book Annual Leave and let him have DD as “normal”
YANBU – It’s his problem to either pick her up at 4pm or not see her

OP posts:
Emeraldshamrock · 31/12/2019 15:36

His problem for not checking the school term time correctly.
It sounds like a PITA having to organise him too.

ChequerBoard · 31/12/2019 15:36

Leave arrangements as is. It's a difference in pick up time of 45mins. As an adult I am sure he can manage to be there at the appropriate time. Worst case he can get his planned lift and then wait for her to get back from her trip?

Original poster
ColourfulPony · 31/12/2019 15:37

The only other time he'd be able to have her is the day I'm usually off anyway as he won't book time off work to have her. I'm happy with this and will offer it but he probably won't take it and use the lift excuse anyway.

I am happy to pick her up at 5.30pm from holiday club, that's not an issue.

OP posts:
Emeraldshamrock · 31/12/2019 15:40

@ColourfulPony if he uses the lift excuse on your day off, drop her there yourself. Don't give him the chance to say no if he is off.
Enjoy your day off. Smile

Moreisnnogedag · 31/12/2019 15:45

He is working

So is she!! I certainly don’t think you should use AL to facilitate this at all. Why cant he wait around for a bit at the place until 4 or go for a walk? If his lift will get him there for 3:15 its only 45 mins.

If he’s generally alright and you DD loves seeing him, could you let him pick her up at 3:15 a different day?

Original poster
ColourfulPony · 31/12/2019 15:46

could you let him pick her up at 3:15 a different day?

DD is neither here nor there about going but I do think she should see him, and generally she does see him for his contact. I will offer him to have her on my day off (I work parttime)

OP posts:
CanIHaveADrink · 31/12/2019 16:01

I think you need to stop this arrangement whereby, if he can’t have her in that day, then she stays with you.
I’m pretty sure that you have no one to fall back into if you have to work so I’m not sure why it’s ok for him to assume if he can’t fulfill his obligation as a father, he can just ‘dump her’ onto you.

CanIHaveADrink · 31/12/2019 16:02

The only other time he'd be able to have her is the day I'm usually off anyway as he won't book time off work to have her.

If this is his attitude, then that tells you everything you need to know about his ‘wish’ or ‘need’ to see his dd....

FudgeBrownie2019 · 31/12/2019 16:05

His day, his child, his problem. He can't just dip in and out and expect you to parent him; he is a functional adult and needs to realise you're not there to bail him out.

I co-parent with Ex and am always flexible wherever possible because life changes and things come up. The difference is that Ex doesn't tell people I'm making life tough on him and badmouth me; if he did I'd be far less willing to help him out.

AnneElliott · 31/12/2019 16:11

So the issue is he doesn't drive and doesn't think he can sort a lift for the 4pm pickup? If that's the case he can get a bus or a taxi surely? Just like all the other parents in the world that don't drive.

AnneElliott · 31/12/2019 16:12

So no YANBU and I don't think you should use a whole days leave to facilitate him picking her up at 3:15pm.

TeaForTara · 31/12/2019 16:17

Don't let him make this your problem.

He was due to have her for the day. He has the term dates - he should have checked.

When he informed you he was working, you arranged for her to go to holiday club - to solve the problem he created. I understand it's up to you to arrange that because of the ruling. Fair enough.

You have met your reponsibilities to the full. It's now up to him whether he can pick her up from holiday club when they return from the trip or not. If anyone has to take annual leave then it's him. If he can't take leave and he can't rearrange his lift time then he either gets a taxi or doesn't see her. His choice, his problem.

Do not waste your annual leave enabling his inability to sort himself out. It wouldn't benefit DD at all, only him. You don't have to tie yourself in knots because he can't be arsed to check a calendar.

GetUpAgain · 31/12/2019 16:24

What a loser he is. Yanbu in the slightest. All I can say is at least you aren't in a marriage/relationship with him. Your poor DD having such a shit father though.

pallisers · 31/12/2019 16:25

Well I suppose at least he recognised that you are the real parent and he is the one who swings in and out for a few hours - no responsibility for any of the stuff that comes with children - changed plans/trips/extra holidays.

I wouldn't pay any attention to him. Tell him she'll be back at 4 and if he doesn't want her to go on the trip, he needs to book AL and tell his dd she'll be missing the trip to spend the day with him. Eejit

  • and if he can only get a lift for 3.15 then he takes the lift and waits 45 minutes for his daughter to show up.
ittooshallpass · 31/12/2019 16:28

YANBU. He thought she was at school. She wasn't. You're working, so put her into holiday club. The trip finishes at 4. He's whining because he wants to pick up at 3.15. So for the sake of 45 minutes he's demanding YOU take a day off work so he can pick up DD at 3.15??

Tell him to either pick up at 4 in a bus, taxi or whatever... if he REALLY wanted to see his DD he would.

I co-parent. And for all his faults my ex would never pull this shit!

Do not take AL!

gottastopeatingchocolate · 31/12/2019 16:30

I think that if you offer the alternate day, you have gone beyond what is needed, and been more than fair. If he refuses and continues to moan, let him. What he wants to happen can't happen because of the circumstances of the trip. You have tried to make it work by offering alternatives.

lanthanum · 31/12/2019 16:33

Not checking the term dates earlier is kind of irrelevant, as even if he had, he apparently can't take leave, and the only childcare available is the whole-day trip, so she'd probably have had to do that regardless.

If the OP is happy to let him have her after work on a different day, that sounds like a reasonable solution - generous in that it's her day off, but a bit of give and take around Christmas is sometimes inevitable, and it means he can see daughter without her having to use up leave to facilitate that.

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/12/2019 16:34

"ExH is now telling everyone I am “making it impossible” for him to see DD."
Who is 'everyone'? Do you give a rat's arse for their opinion?

RandomMess · 31/12/2019 16:39

I honestly think he is hurt using the situation to proclaim he is a victim and deflect that he yet again put zero effort into maximising his time with DD...

Welshmaenad · 31/12/2019 16:41

HE can't remember term dates, HE can't get annual leave, HE can't organise transport...

In what way is any of this your problem or fault?

Who gives a tuck what he's telling people? If he's that gripped about it he can take you back to court alleging breach of CAO. I'd like to come along so I can be there when they laugh at him.

Phineyj · 31/12/2019 16:45

I am always Shock at anyone claiming they do not 'know' term dates. I'd be surprised is there's a single school without this info on their website. YANBU.

recycledbottle · 31/12/2019 16:52

This is not remotely your problem

Beautiful3 · 31/12/2019 16:54

He is being massively unreasonable. If he cant pick her up when he is supposed to, you are not to waste your days off work. You arranged childcare, which was the most sensible thing to do. Dont bend over backwards for him. If he wants to see her, then he will sort it with work and make himself available.

Brefugee · 31/12/2019 16:57

can you offer him another day as a compromise?

LonginesPrime · 31/12/2019 17:03

ExH is now telling everyone I am “making it impossible” for him to see DD

Why do you care what he's telling people?

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