To feel sad for my parents?

[ChristmasBaubles]

Finishing the Christmas period feeling a bit deflated and sad for my elderly parents.
Three adult offspring. Sibling 1 didn't send a card or get a present for our parents, visited for a couple of hours but didn't really engage. Sibling 2 gave presents and spent more time with them but was grumpy and snappy. Leaving me, sibling 3, trying but not really managing to make the time special. Parents both commented to me that they are disappointed, they don't care about presents and material stuff but missed quality family time.
Should I say something to the other two about the effect they had or leave it? It's not like this every Christmas.

Depends on the sort of relationship you have with your siblings, I’d say. Personally I’d stay out of it. You probably don’t know the reasons why your siblings are being cool towards your parents. Having a word with them about it will probably just bring on rows/drama/triangulation. You can’t fix other people’s relationships, and within the family you’re too close to it to try.

The only way you can really raise it with your siblings without sounding critical is to refer to the good time you had with your parents. Even that will probably be perceived as implied criticism. Tricky.
If your parents are disappointed in the other two, how did sorting it out become your responsibility.? Mildly hurtful to let you know that you, on your own, are not really enough.
There's a post running on Mumsnet (Relationships, I think) currently about adult children feeling burdened by being made responsible for a parent's happiness.
You're doing your bit, and can't take responsibility for other peoples actions, or lack of them.

I need to keep reminding myself that it's not my responsibility to make them happy or to make up for the other two. But it is hard to see my parents sad and not want to jump in to try to make things better. Thanks for the tip about the relationships thread, I will look that up.

Same here.
My mum had nothing on Christmas Day to open until I picked her we up to come to mine for the day with a big bag of resents for her.
None of the others bothered.
My mum just says “well, they all work, they are busy”. I know she is upset though.
I’m saying nowt because they are not nice people my siblings. Not worth it really.

If my siblings behaved like this id be pulling them up on it. What a selfish way to behave with your parents regardless of age. Good on you for doing your bit and trying to make it special for them.

I’d probably stay out of it.

I keep my parents at an arms length due to behaviour my sister was too young to remember. She tries to pull me up on it then refuses to listen when I try and explain why I struggle to be around them. You may have perfect parents but we all have different relationships with parents, even between siblings, and it’s also up to your parents to shift things if they want to even if they are older.

If you've all honestly had a good childhood etc then I think you need to mention that your parents need you to make more of an effort.

Couldn't you have all gone at the same time and organised games? Perhaps start making a plan for Mother's day?

There are two ways to look at this :
1 you have shit siblings who are selfish
2 your parents have done something to upset/ alienate your siblings
Unless you know definitively which one of the above is true don’t get involved

I would stay out of it. What is their relationship like during the rest of the year? Do your parents make an effort with them or their children during the year?

I feel for her op. My adult ds announced he wasn't doing gifts. After I had spent about £180 on him.. Didn't even get a card. He ate Xmas lunch, took his gifts. Even brought his dc the next day to collect their gifts!
Nothing for his siblings who also bought for him and dc.
Feel a bit pd off tbh.
My other dc verbally acknowledged he is a twat.

I have little sympathy for parents who bitch about DC to their siblings. If they had a problem they should have raised it with the person concerned.

What a disrepectful way of treating your elderly parents?! :(

I think this happens all too often in families TBH. Unless they have been cruel/abusive .I dont understand the reasoning behind it really.You can speak to them but will they listen?

I'd say something. It doesn;t have to be accusatory, just honest and straightforward. To your first sibling say something like: "Mum and dad were upset that you didn't get in touch for Christmas and I was pretty surprised as you usually send a card/present/come for a visit. Is everything OK?'

If you are not in the habit of close communication, it could be that your Sibling 1 had flu or depression or has problems of their own that caused them to overlook your parents.

Something similar to sibling 2. But maybe mor eopen, along the lines: I know they are getting old and difficult, but next year I think we need to plan ahead so everyone spends some time with them.

Well you could check everything is ok with your sibs, but only if you genuinely care and want to hear the answer. As pps say, anything specifically about dps is putting yourself in the role of 'responible fixer' at best and 'interfering judgemental bossyboots' at worst - probably not anywhere you want to be.

And having a warm relationship with your dps is not just nice for them, its hopefully nice for you too, so enjoy it and don't worry too much about the others

I have little sympathy for parents who bitch about DC to their siblings. If they had a problem they should have raised it with the person concerned.

This. And the siblings probably have some inkling of this going on...

Elderly parents are generally very forgiving of their offspring's shortcomings. Keep on enjoying your time with them and let your siblings just get on with it.

Why are they discussing it with you? My mum is forever slagging my brother off to me (and no doubt the other way round too) and I hate it. It's so shit and manipulative.

Why are they discussing it with you? My mum is forever slagging my brother off to me (and no doubt the other way round too) and I hate it. It's so shit and manipulative.

Agreed. The combination of this, your siblings’ reluctance to treat your parents with generosity, and your urge to fix it even though that’s not your job, makes me think the relationships here may be a bit out of whack and perhaps your siblings have reason enough to not bother.

Either way, I don’t think it’s your business and I’d try to avoid getting into it with either parents or siblings.

I'm guessing your siblings probably have their reasons.

For those people saying the parents should not complain to OP maybe they just needed to feel one child was on their side, that they have a right to be upset and hurt. People need to know someone has their back and is in their corner. Be it just emotionally being supportive by agreeing the other person is wrong or trying to communicate how hurt they are to the other party

My own parents are dead, but based on families i see around me, I think the onus is on the parents to retain a strong family unit which all the children enjoy returning to.

I have it the other way around. Dh parents are elderly but independent. We offered for them to come down for xmas day dinner, they refused then we offered for them to come down between xmas and new year, they refused again !
We called xmas eve only to be made feel we were in the way !
They prefer their own company over that of their grandkids and son. I don't get it.
I've a good relationship with them, in that I never argue or pursue things with them .
So maybe your parents gave them the brush off like we got ?
Or maybe your siblings are selfish . Who knows, either way , I'd stay out of it .

@formerbabe but at times there is only so much a parent can do. My grandmother cried to me how much my father upset her on his last birthday before passing away. He spoke to her on the phone that he will see her later (they had arranged for him and his widow) to have dinner and wine with my gran. They never showed up. My grandmother waited up till 11 trying to reach either of them. Turned out they went for a meal!!! my grandmother is one of the most hospital and kind people I know.

For those people saying the parents should not complain to OP maybe they just needed to feel one child was on their side, that they have a right to be upset and hurt. People need to know someone has their back and is in their corner. Be it just emotionally being supportive by agreeing the other person is wrong or trying to communicate how hurt they are to the other party

I don’t think this is right. They can validate each other, talk to a friend if they need perspective?