To feel sad for my parents?

[ChristmasBaubles]

Finishing the Christmas period feeling a bit deflated and sad for my elderly parents.
Three adult offspring. Sibling 1 didn't send a card or get a present for our parents, visited for a couple of hours but didn't really engage. Sibling 2 gave presents and spent more time with them but was grumpy and snappy. Leaving me, sibling 3, trying but not really managing to make the time special. Parents both commented to me that they are disappointed, they don't care about presents and material stuff but missed quality family time.
Should I say something to the other two about the effect they had or leave it? It's not like this every Christmas.

In your situation the relationship I have with my siblings means that I could call and ream them out about not giving due time to our parents and our relationship would survive. But then, they'd never treat our parents so poorly in the first place.

My DH, on the other hand, would never be able to take his brother to task for his appalling treatment of their mother. He tried nicely, once. The result was a huge blow up and they haven't spoken for 20 years.

Only you know your siblings likely reaction.

Next year, would it be possible to have a family potluck at your parents with everyone contributing food and cleanup? Maybe not on Xmas Day, but perhaps on Xmas Eve or Boxing Day? Or even the weekend before/after?

I used to always buy cards and presents for my parents for Christmas and birthdays....my mum used to give them to my sister. They hardly ever gave me anything stating they were to busy or didn't know what to buy. They were miserable and sucked the joy out of life. If I spent time with them it would be depressing and soul destroying and I gave up seeing them because my mental health suffered..

@NellWilsonsWhiteHair but to a lot of people their child is their best friend and closets advisor who they trust etc

I would stay out of it. Both of your siblings visited and your parents seem irritated that they weren't chirpy/invested enough. This isnt reason enough for you to have a go at your siblings as you don't really know how the visits went. Most parents are happy to see there children and don't demand they need to be in a certain mood for the visit nor do the bitch to the other child about them after they have left.

Your siblings may have their own stuff going on. It's not necessarily about you or your DPs. At least start the bollocking from a place of concern for them if this isn't their usual behaviour?

@lovepickledlimes Hmm. I don’t think my own mother/relationship with her is perfect, so accept that may be colouring my view, but I’m not sure that’s a desirable state of affairs, because of situations exactly like these. I like my mother’s company very much and I know she likes mine, but I’d hate to be her closest friend. My own children are still young but I can’t imagine wanting them to be my close friends and chief advisors either. In particular, I’m more keen for them to be friends to each other than to me, and for me to go slagging off one to the other seems to really undermine that.

Friends are people we are mostly more truthful with than our family, I think, and who truly accept us as we are.

I think I'd just carry on doing the right thing myself, or what feels right for me. It sounds like your siblings are a little childish in their dealings. I'm not sure you can change that much. They may also have sound reasons.
Just keep behaving well yourself. You can't carry the bad behavior of others, if indeed that's what it is

So sibling 1 visited for a couple of hours but wasn't as chatty as the parents wanted.

Sibling 2 visited and spent even longer with them but wasn't cheerful enough.

You also went and did your best to make it special but apparently that wasn't enough either.

Your parents don't care about presents and material stuff but still decided to mention Sibling 1's lack of card and gift?

Your parents aren't coming across particularly well here at all. Visiting isn't enough for them. Spending a couple of hours or more isn't enough for them. Bringing a present also isn't enough for them, and neither is trying to make the time special.

I would be wondering what they've been saying to your siblings about you.

ChristmasBaubles

You should leave it, I suspect that you have little or no idea as to the relationship with your siblings and parents.

Just because you have a good relationship doesn't mean that the do.

There's a middle ground to nicely say to your siblings that the DP seem a bit low and could probably do with some extra attention over the next few months if they have time. Berating adults doesn't usually get the best results, appeal to their best natures and you might get somewhere.

@NellWilsonsWhiteHair oh I fully get that. Of course I would love them to be each others close friends etc maybe even closer then to me. At the same time I don't think I could see my mum being upset and not do anything about it lol

In my experience it won’t make any difference and will just result in the siblings bitching to each other about you and your parents. There’s nothing like the responsibility of elderly parents for bringing out the worst in some people.
My dsis was amazing in looking after our elderly mum in her later years and right up to her death. My other siblings bitched like hell about dsis (despite the fact they would never have taken on the role that she did), and even now mum has gone they still carry on

I wouldn't waste your breathe.

Your parents are playing games, I would leave them to it.

This could be very damaging on the relationship between you and your siblings. It feels to me like your parents are playing games eg if you have an issue with someone who would you talk to? That person or their sibling?

If your parents have an issue they should talk it through with their adult child not with their brother or sister!

Behave how you want to behave and let others make their own decisions.

Gosh. I wonder what would actually please your parents?

@thickwoollytights not getting a card or present is setting the bar very low for sibling number 1 if you ask me

Be it just emotionally being supportive by agreeing the other person is wrong or trying to communicate how hurt they are to the other party

It puts the other person in the middle. Or, it strengthens their status as golden child. Neither of which helps the situation.

Parents have raised their children to be a certain way. They should call out their own children rather than cowardly bitching behind their backs.

My mum has done this for years, telling lies and stirring up resentments.
Now that two of my siblings are practically estranged from me because of her behaviour, she is whining on about why do we not like each other!
She will not accept any responsibility for the situation.

20Flicketyflack

My mum tries to get me to speak to siblings on her behalf. Don't go there OP, that way lies trouble.

I expect to get an earful from my 3 brothers as I didn't call my mom on Christmas day. 2 of my bros were with her on the day along with various children etc. The other lives thousands of miles away, as I do, but rings her daily.

I love my mom, I try to ring frequently but am 5 hours different on time zones so timing is limited and calls cost a huge amount (dreadful phone provider which I need to change). Add to that I was away with my DH & MiL for Christmas so aren't even sure if I could have used my mobile to ring.

Not much I could have done so I'm not going to fret too much. Besides mom is getting to the point she wouldn't have remembered whether I called or not. That bothers me much more.

Thanks those of you who gave constructive advice. There is no issue of bad parenting, falling out or other life difficulty here, and we all of us have a good relationship. Just that there was a bit of thoughtlessness on the impact of actions on this occasion.
I think after reading the helpful comments I will check everyone is ok without mentioning Christmas, then when next Christmas approaches I will suggest we coordinate our family gatherings to make it a more meaningful time together. Happy new year to you all!

Wow, there are a lot of people on here with very negative views! To clarify, my parents are wonderful people. They have never bitched about my siblings to me, nor tried to manipulate, nor done anything to try to divide us. They were not at all ungrateful, just sad not to spend more meaningful time as a family at a special time of year. They did not ask me to speak to my siblings. That was my own instinct, hence my post here. So to those writing nasty comments, I hope you manage to have less bitterness in your hearts in the new year.

Classic drama triangle

“Parents both commented to me that they are disappointed, they don't care about presents and material stuff but missed quality family time.”

See, OP, you are the person who knows your family, unlike the rest of us (although I don’t believe this makes you omniscient as you appear to suggest...). But surely you can see that this comment is your parents bitching about your siblings to you, is your parents expressing some degree of ingratitude (perhaps justified), and arguably may well be manipulative depending on the wider relationship dynamic (after all, you’re now taking responsibility for getting them a Christmas more to their liking next year, rather than them having to speak up and ask for what they would like themselves). This does not mean they are awful people whose adult children should probably go NC or whatever, but it doesn’t show them in their most wonderful light.

Glad you have found a solution you feel happy with.

You say yourself it’s not like this every Christmas so maybe this year your siblings are preoccupied with other problems or issues and were a bit off?
Might be worth a chat to say ‘mum and dad noticed you were a bit distracted/down at Christmas are you ok?’ Just to check there aren’t any under lying worries before you mention how disappointed your parents were.
You can’t get it right all the time but your plan for making more of an event out of getting together next year sounds like a good one.