To feel sad for my parents?

[ChristmasBaubles]

Finishing the Christmas period feeling a bit deflated and sad for my elderly parents.
Three adult offspring. Sibling 1 didn't send a card or get a present for our parents, visited for a couple of hours but didn't really engage. Sibling 2 gave presents and spent more time with them but was grumpy and snappy. Leaving me, sibling 3, trying but not really managing to make the time special. Parents both commented to me that they are disappointed, they don't care about presents and material stuff but missed quality family time.
Should I say something to the other two about the effect they had or leave it? It's not like this every Christmas.

I know you don't want this to be true, OP, but your parents WERE critical of your siblings to you.

And Not to your siblings which would have been the up front non passive aggressive route

I get that you love your parents and I'm sure next Christmas it'll all work out the way your parents want it to 👍

I wouldn't be lecture your siblings but you could mention that "I think mum and dad regret us all not being able to get together over the holidays, maybe we'll try and co-ordinate better next year".
No blame, just a positive suggestion.

It’s really hard to tell from your updates. You could have lovely parents who are bring cruelly treated by your nasty siblings; or you could be the golden child who’s unable to see that your siblings don’t have the same happy memories and relationships with your parents that you do.

But they have bitched about your siblings and their 'disappointment'. To you! Manipulative unpleasant behaviour.

@NellWilsonsWhiteHair "I hope you manage to have less bitterness in your hearts in the New Year"

What a nasty thing to say to people who are simply giving advise based exclusively on the information that you provided. It would seem you just wanted to hear that your siblings have behaved terribly. I never understand people who seek an opinion and then give a nasty reply when they don't like what they hear. Low, very low

Sorry @NellWilsonsWhiteHair my mistake when tabbing meant to say @ChristmasBaubles apologies

@recycledbottle I asked for advice on whether I should speak to my siblings about the situation I described, I did not invite debate about whether my parents are bitchy or ungrateful or manipulative.

@ChristmasBaubles - this is AIBU. Are you new to MN?

I agree with you OP @ Wow, there are a lot of people on here with very negative views!. It’s not bitchy or awful for your parents to have commented that they missed spending more time with their DCs. And if your family all get on ok and they have been good parents then it’s understandable they are disappointed.
I hope your DSs are actually ok and just out of sorts on this occasion.
I get disappointed with my mum as I feel she is overly critical of my sister . (my only sibling), and of my sister’s children. Likewise my sister doesn’t always speak too well of my DM. I try my best to smooth things between them but realise it’s best not to get too involved in the dynamics of their relationship. My sister often recalls quite a different childhood with our DPs to the one I remember. Family relationships are very complex indeed.

Sibling 1 didn't send a card or get a present for our parents, visited for a couple of hours but didn't really engage. Sibling 2 gave presents and spent more time with them but was grumpy and snappy

That's pretty bitchy.

I don’t know whether you should speak to your siblings or not, OP. But I am glad you are kind to your parents. I’m sure they appreciate you, and you won’t be left feeling guilty when they die. It’s sad to see so many loving parents neglected by their offspring.

Sibling 1 didn't send a card or get a present for our parents, visited for a couple of hours but didn't really engage. Sibling 2 gave presents and spent more time with them but was grumpy and snappy. Leaving me, sibling 3, trying but not really managing to make the time special. Parents both commented to me that they are disappointed,. Could anything have made them happy? Or do they get happiness from complaining about everyone to everyone?

@TitianaTitsling well sibling 1 could have at least gotten a box of chocolates for a start and maybe a card if they usually do cards. Maybe also be more involved during the time they are there

Well did the parents have presents for them? Is there not a twee saying presence not presents? OP states Parents both commented to me that they are disappointed, they don't care about presents and material stuff but missed quality family time.

If they don't care about presents and material stuff why mention it at all?

Do your siblings live close by?

@TitianaTitsling but apparently sibling 1 was not really engaging either

@brassbrass I think had sibling 1 been engaging during their short time there it would not even be an issue. It's not so much about the lack of gifts but parents not feeling like sibling 1 made much of an effort to show they care by really not being present either

So they thought they'd bitch to sibling 3. Instead of talking to sibling 1 about it.

@brassbrass not everyone is good with a confrontational topic like that. Also by that point the discussion would be pointless as it was evident sibling 1 did not care for parents that day. The hurt has been done.

Oh, bless your heart OP, what a fabulous tight family unit you have. No wonder you're worried about your poor parents.

To your siblings I say - "did your parents ask if you were ok? How do they normally react to your gifts, Sibling 1? Indifference, mildly critical? Did you not get as far as parents because you've been working all hours and only just come up for air? Sibling 2, do your parent's realise you're not talking about your difficult relationship? That toy have mild depression?".

Oh, and maybe look up previously mentioned triangulation, golden child etc. etc. In my experience only, toy get the adult children you raised.

I have little sympathy for parents who bitch about DC to their siblings. If they had a problem they should have raised it with the person concerned.

That's just stupid. Once the siblings are adults the parents are totally justified in confiding in them, it's not necessarily the siblings job to solve the issue but if they're close to their parent they may well want to provide a friendly ear.

There are numerous reasons that could account for this. As you get older Xmas is less of an issue until you have children of your own. What are they like the rest of the year?

This really depends entirely on your perception of your childhood and /or your own character.

I had a great childhood, despite being bought up in very strained financial circumstances, in a household where one parent was dying and needing long term care from the other , before they died in my early teens.
Despite all that- I have never had any doubt that my parent and step parent put myself and siblings at the forefront of their thoughts.

For this reason , I find the OPs message sad and agree she should speak to siblings. As my learned experience is that in same position my siblings would be mortified to have caused this distress.

However - if your parents did not provide a safe secure happy upbringing , where sibling relationships were also fraught with jealousy and point scoring, then your experience will be informed by this and you will have less success intervening with your family members.

Only you know which type of family you have.

It depends on the backstory between your parents and your siblings. I understand they they feel hurt and miss family time but maybe there are good reasons they are not getting it.

My sibling sent a gift to my parent via me, and did phone on Boxing Day to speak to my parent. But they haven’t really had a relationship or much normal contact for three years now.

I was like your Sibling 2 I suppose. I did take my family to see my parent on Xmas Eve but it was a duty visit. I didn’t really engage and couldn’t wait to leave because I wasn’t relaxed. I would have preferred not to go but my conscience wouldn’t let me.

There are good reasons for all of the above and our parent knows what they are. They had a choice to right some wrongs and genuinely apologise for their actions but they have so far refused to make any effort to do so and this is the result.