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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask DP to refurbish house?

85 replies

Lily7050 · 30/12/2019 23:51

When DS was born DP insisted on settling DS in his house. I have my own flat with mortgage. DP insisted on urgently renting out my flat to cover mortgage payment. DP's house has not been refurbished for over 10 years. DP is not a classic hoarder but he accumulated a lot of stuff in his house over the year.
It looks like there are quite a few mice running house. DS is just 7 month old and I do not feel comfortable having a child in the house with mice infestation. DP thinks that mice are not dangerous to the child and mouse traps would resolve the problem but I know he tried traps earlier without much success.
AIBU wanting to call professional services and get rid of mice asap?
I am prepared to pay for the service as well as for new furniture and house redecoration as I find it unpleasant to live in the house in its current state.
The boiler is around 30 years old and has not been serviced for a few years. It still works but kind of on autopilot. In summer DP was unable to turn the heating off from the boiler. The boiler is located in the little cupboard adjacent to DS's bedroom.
I have ordered a carbon monoxide alarm but not sure if AIBU insisting DP to arrange boiler service or to arrange it myself?

Tbh, when DP insisted on settling DS in his house he promised to tidy up the house. However, now he puts minimum effort and does not want to refurbish the house.
I had to threaten DP that I would move out with DS to make DP to clean the little bedroom from old stuff stored there.

OP posts:
Streamside · 02/01/2020 22:58

Social workers deal with much worse issues than mice, it's not a major issue because mice can be dealt with.Your partner has not been dealing with them and i'm not sure what you expected the SW to say or do.

fedup21 · 02/01/2020 23:01

Social services?! Why are they involved?

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 02/01/2020 23:14

I'm beginning to wonder if OP herself is classed as vulnerable and that's why SS are involved.

user1471449295 · 02/01/2020 23:17

He insists a lot doesn’t he

GreenTulips · 02/01/2020 23:29

The social worker asked to put all issues in writing. I will need to stress that the boiler is over 30 years old

Why? For whose record?

Original poster
Lily7050 · 03/01/2020 22:03

When health visitor came to see the newborn the house looked unsafe for a child : lots of cables around, books stored on low cabinets etc. Health visitor referred to Family Support who were supposed to help with making the house safe for a child. Since the recommendations given by Family support have not been done yet they referred us to SS. My partner actually wanted to have Family support but did not rush to make necessary changes in the house.

OP posts:
MsJaneAusten · 03/01/2020 22:09

Since the recommendations given by Family support have not been done yet they referred us to SS. My partner actually wanted to have Family support but did not rush to make necessary changes in the house.
What did family support recommend that he hasn’t done? Are SS still involved?

GreenTulips · 03/01/2020 22:09

Are you both adults?

PaperbackBlighter · 03/01/2020 22:15

My partner actually wanted to have Family support but did not rush to make necessary changes in the house

Why did you stay and allow your child to continue living there?

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 03/01/2020 22:17

My partner actually wanted to have Family support but did not rush to make necessary changes in the house

Basically he wanted Family Support to sort it out because he couldn’t be arsed.

ichifanny · 03/01/2020 22:17

What on Earth OP how can you ask on Aibu if he should refurbish his house casually then just drop into the thread that social work are involved it’s so messy / dangerous . Of course you should , it’s goes without saying .

FruitcakeOfHate · 03/01/2020 22:36

YOU are putting your child in danger for a bloke. You are risking your child's health and safety for a man. He is controlling. You risk having your child put on protection order for this total loser of a man. Wake the fuck up! You need to LEAVE.

MolnMal · 03/01/2020 23:22

This might be controversial - but I think it would be far more damaging to a child to live among mice and with a dangerous boiler in the house, than to be living away from his father for a few weeks while those things get sorted.

Do you have any family / friends you and your ds can stay with while these issues are sorted? I don’t know what your finances are like - shared account or separate, but funding the necessary refurbs to the house should be split between you, not just fall to you to just because he’s happy to let the house stay like this. Good luck

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 03/01/2020 23:34

Social services saying something is ok does not mean that it is best practice or a good way to raise a child or likely to lead to the child becoming a healthy, happy adult.

It means that things are not bad enough for very underfunded social services to step in.

Taking children away from their birth parents sadly damages and traumatises them. Therefore social services will only step in if you are damaging and traumatising them EVEN MORE than taking them will do.

You may be over the bar but it is a very low bar.

Remember the child at school who was always a bit grubby and never had a decent coat in winter. Her parents got over the bar.

The mum who screams and swears at her kids in the street - over the bar.

The question isn’t - is it good enough for social services - the question is - is it good enough for you?

jgjgjgjgjg · 03/01/2020 23:40

Are you Asian / Chinese OP? Some of the language you use suggests that English isn't your first language. You urgently need to investigate exactly what being referred to Social Services means and it's possible implications. It is a sign that somebody has serious concerns about your child's welfare.

GreenTulips · 04/01/2020 00:16

It is a sign that somebody has serious concerns about your child's welfare

Or yours

Ginfordinner · 04/01/2020 00:23

You can't be serious MolnMal Hmm

It is far far more dangerous for a child to be in a house with a boiler that could be giving off carbon monoxide fumes than to be away from its father.

BowStreetStunner · 04/01/2020 00:32

In no way are ybu it is unreasonable of your DP to expect you and DS to live in a house with mice what is he thinking?

This does not sound like a suitable place for DS and until it is I would not live there, it is perfectly normal for patents to what a nice comfortable, clean and homely place for their children to live in atm you do not have this, explain clearly and calmly how you feel surely DP will want you to be happy and would put the home right rather than you both leave.

Original poster
Lily7050 · 05/01/2020 20:51

Thanks everyone for your input. Carbon monoxide alarm is installed and so far there have been no fumes.

Tbh I was surprised how relaxed SS was about mice and environment on the whole.

OP posts:
dontgobaconmyheart · 05/01/2020 20:59

You ate both BU OP for oibing in, and housing your child in a property with an ancient boiler that you havent had serviced, no CM alarm until now, a mice infestation nobody is dealing with urgently despite the various health and hygiene risks, including that of electrical fires through chewed wires, and clutter so unsafe health visitor has reported you both. You are responsible for your DC's safety as much as your DH. A CM alarm isn't going to help you in a fire.

As an aside he sounds like a complete idiot who doesn't allow you any decision making or autonomy OP, which is very concerning. I wouldn't live in that environment or under those restrictions.

Original poster
Lily7050 · 05/01/2020 21:07

Pest control guy installed boxes with poison.
It is mid-terrace house. Next door neighbour has recently done major renovation, her house feels very well insulated but she still hear mouse.

OP posts:
BrickTop999 · 05/01/2020 21:08

SS are going to be relaxed because they have seen far far fat worse !!! Dog crap on the floor, loads of cats, cat piss everywhere, cramped, over crowded, dirty filthy cookers and sinks, shabby carpets etc, hoarding of rubbish ..... BUT THAT DOESNT MEAN YOUR SITUATION IS OK !!! ...... it really is not ok at all

That lazy excuse of a man needs to clean up his own house for his own child and make it habitable
Mice ..... dirty smelly pissing shitting revolting filth .... urgh

Original poster
Lily7050 · 05/01/2020 21:30

I understand SS have seen far worse but why cannot they say to my partner that the house in its current state "is NOT OK"?
At the moment it is only me and my family members who are saying this. None of partner's friends tell him that the house is NOT OK so he thinks me and my family are unreasonable. The only person from his circles who said that house is NOT OK was his ex-cleaner.

OP posts:
BrickTop999 · 05/01/2020 21:36

SS are not marriage counsellors
They are there to deal with immediate serious harm
YOU yes YOU ..... as in thats YOU ..... have to take responsibility and stand up for your little baby and move out if its that bad

Upso · 05/01/2020 21:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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