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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask DP to refurbish house?

85 replies

Lily7050 · 30/12/2019 23:51

When DS was born DP insisted on settling DS in his house. I have my own flat with mortgage. DP insisted on urgently renting out my flat to cover mortgage payment. DP's house has not been refurbished for over 10 years. DP is not a classic hoarder but he accumulated a lot of stuff in his house over the year.
It looks like there are quite a few mice running house. DS is just 7 month old and I do not feel comfortable having a child in the house with mice infestation. DP thinks that mice are not dangerous to the child and mouse traps would resolve the problem but I know he tried traps earlier without much success.
AIBU wanting to call professional services and get rid of mice asap?
I am prepared to pay for the service as well as for new furniture and house redecoration as I find it unpleasant to live in the house in its current state.
The boiler is around 30 years old and has not been serviced for a few years. It still works but kind of on autopilot. In summer DP was unable to turn the heating off from the boiler. The boiler is located in the little cupboard adjacent to DS's bedroom.
I have ordered a carbon monoxide alarm but not sure if AIBU insisting DP to arrange boiler service or to arrange it myself?

Tbh, when DP insisted on settling DS in his house he promised to tidy up the house. However, now he puts minimum effort and does not want to refurbish the house.
I had to threaten DP that I would move out with DS to make DP to clean the little bedroom from old stuff stored there.

OP posts:
SwingingBy · 31/12/2019 07:09

He's not on a bad screw your partner is he.
He gets a housekeeper, a P.A and someone to tart his house up at no expense to himself.
Mice pass urine as they amble around, which is a health hazard in itself. They also chew through clothing and cables. When they chew through the cables it's a fire hazard.
The boiler is a health hazard which quite frankly is a silent killer
That said, if your desire to play happy families over rides the facts then crack on.

Veterinari · 31/12/2019 07:14

@Lily7050
So you’re paying your partner’s Mortgage, paying to improve his home and risking yourself and your newborn in an unsafe environment?

Why are you with this man and why are you continuing to spend money to be with him?

What exactly is he contributing except a total disregard for your wellbeing?

Check your rental lease. There’s Usually an ability to terminate the contract early and I believe property law allows this with 2 months notice once at least 6 months of the lease has passed

Surplus2requirements · 31/12/2019 07:33

The rent pays the OPs mortgage on the flat not the partners house

Veterinari · 31/12/2019 07:39

Fair enough. So just the OP paying to improve his home and risking Herself and newborn in an unsafe environment then?

Shoxfordian · 31/12/2019 07:43

Why would you ever have agreed to this in the first place? You need to learn to assert yourself op

Rosielily · 31/12/2019 07:49

"Why why why?" - because the partner is the father of DS.
And? That makes it alright does it?

Who pays the bills in this set up? You, partner? What's the percentage contribution from each of you?

Do you both work?

Do you both run cars etc?

Who does household stuff - food shop, admin, etc?

frillyfarmer · 31/12/2019 07:49

What type of boiler is it OP - gas/oil? Is it just dated decor asides from the boiler and the mice?

SusieSusieSoo · 31/12/2019 07:55

The boiler issue would cause me to move out and take dc OP. That is incredibly dangerous for you and dc. I personally couldn't live in a house with mice either as that is a huge risk to health but the boiler could literally kill you both. Sorry to be so blunt. Please take care of you & dc xx

MojoMoon · 31/12/2019 07:58

Assuming you are in the UK, the most pressing thing to do is to get a gas safety certificate, which should be repeated annually.

If the boiler is unsafe, they will condemn it and switch off the gas.

I would not start with servicing it - if it is knackered, a service won't fix it - and if it is ,30 years old the advice will be to replace. Find out ASAP if it is DANGEROUS though

It's the same safety certificate you will need to get annually for your flat as it is a legal requirement for landlords. You should have the same safety level at home.
Get whoever did the one in your flat to come to the house.

But also this sounds like a bad and unhealthy relationship in which he is unwilling to compromise and understand the need to change now he has a family living in there.

Frenchw1fe · 31/12/2019 08:05

As you're renting out your own flat you must know it has to meet certain health and safety standards.
Why would you not apply the same standards to you baby's accommodation?
People baffle me.

PhilCornwall1 · 31/12/2019 08:06

The boiler is around 30 years old and has not been serviced for a few years. It still works but kind of on autopilot.

For this reason alone I wouldn't be in there myself, let alone have a child in there!! We have our boiler serviced on the button every year. It's not old like his, but it still needs doing. Ours isn't even in the house and I get edgy if it's a month overdue! You can't bugger around with this stuff!

He insisted on a lot of things, now I would be insisting in the following words "You insisted on me doing many things, now I'm insisting you sort this shit hole/death trap of a place out. You have a week to get the boiler serviced, and 5 weeks to get the mouse problem and house decorated. One day over this and we are off. The clock starts now!!"

Troels · 31/12/2019 08:26

Mouse droppings spread disease and viruses. He's talking crap.
Issue a section 21 notice to your tenant and move back home to your flat where it is clean and safe for your baby.
Just because he is the father doesn't mean he gets to dictate yours and your baby's life.
It is your job to protect your child and keep him healthy. Your Dp doesn't seem to have a clue or even care when things are pointed out to him.

DeathStare · 31/12/2019 08:56

He seems to be doing a lot of "insisting". Is he always this controlling?

Definitely don't pay for the work that needs doing. If you split up that will be your money down the drain.

I think you also need to think carefully about why he is insisting you live in his home and not yours. If you did split up the could make a strong argument for not moving a child out of their existing home.

TBH I'd just tell him you and DS are moving out until the work is done. And then actually do it, not just threaten it

frillyfarmer · 31/12/2019 09:02

Has the OP confirmed it's a gas boiler?

I wish people would RTFT - she has said her tenant is on a fixed term 24 month contract so she CANT serve a s21 notice FFS.

JosefKeller · 31/12/2019 09:19

Unless you are a paying lodger, you cannot live with someone in "his"house. Either it becomes both yours, or you are in a very unhealthy relationship.

You need to sort this out, or how will you ever make decision about your own child? It's a recipe for disaster.

ChuckleBuckles · 31/12/2019 09:41

I will start with calling boiler service and pest control

Sorry to hear that he is not capable to making those calls OP, is he anxious around phones like a MH issue or is it a physical issue like having no arms, ears, mouth kind of thing? Just move out FFS, a rodent infested house with a 30 year old boiler, that lets be honest has probably never been serviced, is a health risk and highly irresponsible.
Let him "insist" whatever he wants but put your DC first, and don't renovate or decorate his home, why would you add value to someone else's assets when you have no legal right to them.

Original poster
Lily7050 · 31/12/2019 22:29

Update: Carbon monoxide alarm is installed, mouse extermination service is booked. My partner got BG Homecare so it is a matter of calling BG and booking boiler service.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 31/12/2019 22:40

You're not listening to people are you OP, pointless posting.

Original poster
Lily7050 · 01/01/2020 22:13

Update: CO alarm was installed and mouse extermination person is coming on Friday. My partner got BG Homecare so he just needs to book boiler service which he pays anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lily7050 · 01/01/2020 22:40

Ups, did not notice my update was posted.
I got social services person visiting tomorrow. Will tell her everything and see if she recommends to move the child out of the house.
As frillyfarmer mentioned I cannot service S21 so will need to find a place to rent.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lily7050 · 01/01/2020 22:51

I think my partner's behaviour changed once the baby was born.
He insisted on living in his house because it got 2 bedrooms whereas mine is one-bedroom flat.
Plus he admitted that it would take long time to make his house rentable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lily7050 · 02/01/2020 21:03

Well, well, well, it looks like I am being unreasonable.
The social worker did not view mice and the boiler as danger for LO. She said mice was quite common problem. Will see what pest control will say tomorrow.
The social worker asked to put all issues in writing. I will need to stress that the boiler is over 30 years old.

OP posts:
Ginfordinner · 02/01/2020 21:07

Why are social workers involved in the first place?

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 02/01/2020 21:53

Yes why are SS involved? You really are not listening to the sensible suggestions given by previous posters? Get away from this man can’t you see that he is using you?

19lottie82 · 02/01/2020 22:09

I don’t necessarily think the boiler being 30 years old is a problem in itself BUT it should be serviced annually by a CORGI registered professional who has deemed it safe. Not doing so is madness, especially with a boiler of that age.