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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect privacy

57 replies

Idontkowmyname · 30/12/2019 21:34

Do you expect to have privacy when you are in a relationship? Would you expect your partner to be mindful when you are in the shower or getting changed? If you stated you would like privacy to change would this alter things? Dh thinks he’s entitled to be in the room when I change as I’m his wife just wondering what others think?

OP posts:

TheMustressMhor · 30/12/2019 21:37

I think that as you've expressed a preference then he IBU not to respect that.

Do you feel he's staring at you when you're getting changed?

Personally I don't care if DH is in the same room as me when I'm undressed. He's seen my body before, after all.

Why don't you want your DH to see your body? Does he generally pay no attention to things you say you'd prefer him not to do?

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 30/12/2019 21:37

If you have asked for it he should give it.

I'm not so bothered but l try to be mindful of DH privacy.

TheMustressMhor · 30/12/2019 21:39

Is this a new thing in your marriage?

MulticolourMophead · 30/12/2019 21:40

Dh thinks he’s entitled to be in the room when I change as I’m his wife

You may be his wife, you're not his property. If you want privacy, you're entitled to it, as is he.

DramaAlpaca · 30/12/2019 21:43

Yes, I expect privacy when I want it as does DH. We've been married almost 30 years and have always been mindful of when the other needs privacy for any reason.

notangelinajolie · 30/12/2019 21:43

Everyone has different personal space/privacy 'settings'.

I like to get dressed/ready for a night out when I'm alone. My DH doesn't care so much - he's happy to get dressed when I'm there. But knows to leave the bedroom for me.

PawPawNoodle · 30/12/2019 21:45

We operate a doors-closed policy - if the door is closed, you aren't welcome in without asking first.

Jollitwiglet · 30/12/2019 21:49

Every relationship is different and has different boundaries. If you have stated that you would like privacy when getting changed, he should grant you that privacy. He is not entitled to your body

Original poster

Idontkowmyname · 30/12/2019 21:49

@TheMustressMhor lack of self confidence if I’m being honest. He takes it as a personal insult which is frustrating as it’s not all about him. I’ve explained that at the gym or pool I get changed in a cubicle.
He’s only really made a point of it the past couple of years when more “unfavourable” aspects of his personality have also surfaced. I suppose I’m feeling more like a possession rather than an individual with autonomy if that makes sense. I think I’m just trying to process this as part of the bigger picture if that makes sense.

OP posts:

Isbii · 30/12/2019 21:49

We get changed, go to the loo etc in front of each other, we just don't care, but it's something we're both happy with, but on rare occasions where I don't want to be disturbed, long bath for example, he respects it. I'd be if he just ignored me if I asked him for privacy, he's not entitled to ignore reasonable requests for privacy just because we're married!

TheMustressMhor · 30/12/2019 21:52

What other unfavourable aspects of his personality have emerged over the last couple of years?

It sounds like he knows very well that this makes you uncomfortable, so he does it on purpose.

That really is an invasion of your privacy. If he's doing other things as well, you may need to be evaluating the future of the relationship.

shiningstar2 · 30/12/2019 21:52

We both expect privacy in the toilet and never leave doors unlocked. Also like our personal space when showering or in the bath but this is more to do with getting a bit of space/peace to relax. Wouldn't personally expect privacy while I undressed. This would be hard to achieve as we share a bedroom and wouldn't expect him to vacate it while I dressed. It would be a bit difficult as we are often preparing to go out at same time and both have our wardrobe space in the same room. Perfectly acceptable to want this level of privacy though.

newbingepisodes · 30/12/2019 21:53

Haha not only does my DH see me shower, change, poo - so do my kids now as well!
I don't care but my god sometimes id like 5 mins peace!

Original poster

Idontkowmyname · 30/12/2019 21:57

@TheMustressMhor I am evaluating the relationship due to emotional abuse I’m just trying to make sense of other things as well. When I’ve called him on it he just says I should feel comfortable.

OP posts:

TheMustressMhor · 30/12/2019 21:59

Ah. Given your update, if he's emotionally abusing you, then I would consider his not respecting your request for privacy as a form of control.

It isn't right that he says you "ought" to feel comfortable. You clearly don't, and he is playing on that and upsetting you as a result.

LonginesPrime · 30/12/2019 22:00

When I’ve called him on it he just says I should feel comfortable.

So you don't like his behaviour and his solution is that it's your problem and you need to accept it anyway?

No, OP - that is not ok.

1Morewineplease · 30/12/2019 22:01

Having a dump/ changing sanitary ware/ whisking chin hairs / administering Canestan are all private.
Taking PJs off/putting knickers or bra on or off are not.
Sounds like you don’t want your partner to see you naked or change out of your clothes,
Do you have a problem with your husband seeing you put a bra on or taking your skirt off?

Original poster

Idontkowmyname · 30/12/2019 22:06

@1Morewineplease I don’t feel comfortable anyone seeing me get changed more so since my last pregnancy

OP posts:

PennyGold · 30/12/2019 22:07

Being married doesn't entitle someone to have/ do something. If you want privacy and have voiced this, then you should have it. There's no "you should be.." it could be the happiest marriage, you could be super confident in your body and this wouldn't matter if you've voiced your request to privacy.
He's a dick.

Dipsydoodle · 30/12/2019 22:09

He's not 'entitled' to anything. Was it in his vows that he gets to see you change/on the toilet/whatever he wants?

Everyone has their own dynamic. We would never poo in front of the other (barring illness or something) but we wouldn't really think twice about entering a room while the other was changing. But that's our relationship, not anyone else's, and it's what we are comfortable with.

Rachelfromfriends1 · 30/12/2019 22:11

I would definitely expect privacy in the bathroom/shower etc, he doesn’t need to be in the room!

Changing depends, if I don’t want him there I’d expect him to respect my wishes. I have lived with my friends in the past so probably have a relaxed view about changing in front of others (especially a partner) but there’s still always times that you just want to change in privacy so he should respect that

Skittlesandbeer · 30/12/2019 22:14

1morewineplease

I don’t think you can really give a list of ‘acceptable’ and ’unacceptable’ actions that should override people’s individual feelings or requests.

I happen to agree with your list, and could add more, but it’s not going to be helpful to anyone.

My DH expressed a wish early that we have a closed-door policy for toilet visits. I thought it was a bit silly, but my feelings don’t override his. I got used to it, and it’s our default for over 18 years. Don’t even notice it any more.

The point of this thread seems to be whether it’s reasonable to dismiss your partner’s expressed preferences, or whether bodily autonomy wins out. I think that’s a pretty clear cut scenario- whatever ‘most people’ personally prefer.

ALLMYSmellySocks · 30/12/2019 22:16

I think it's a bit odd not to be comfortable with your husband seeing you change but he should 100% respect your request.

SittingAround1 · 30/12/2019 22:16

You have a right to privacy. He should respect your wishes.
I'm pretty relaxed but sometimes want to be alone especially when dealing with period stuff or am having a relaxing bath. My DH respects that.

In return I know he needs total privacy when he goes to the toilet.

This sounds as though it's part of a wider problem more than an issue in itself.
Does he respect you sexually?

TokyoSushi · 30/12/2019 22:21

In that case OP it's not OK.

We also operate a closed door policy, not really with the bedroom but definitely with the bathroom, if the door is closed, you don't come in! It's worked for 20 years so far, no questions asked!

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