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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect privacy

57 replies

Idontkowmyname · 30/12/2019 21:34

Do you expect to have privacy when you are in a relationship? Would you expect your partner to be mindful when you are in the shower or getting changed? If you stated you would like privacy to change would this alter things? Dh thinks he’s entitled to be in the room when I change as I’m his wife just wondering what others think?

OP posts:
Isithometimeyet0987 · 30/12/2019 22:40

I don’t go to the toilet in front of dh, I find that weird. Showering, well that really depends on my mood, if I want privacy I lock the door although I always use the en suite to shower so dh doesn’t really ever need to come in while I’m in the shower as he can use the other 2 bathrooms. Getting changed through I couldn’t care less he’s saw me naked a million times.

Original poster
Idontkowmyname · 30/12/2019 23:06

@SittingAround1 he’s made a few comments over the years but nothing of more concern. Spread them an open wide was one that I found beyond disrespectful to be honest

OP posts:
Okbutno · 30/12/2019 23:10

In general I would say it is common for a husband to be around his wife when changing or washing. However if you requested he gives you more privacy (for whatever reason) I would expect a loving partner to respect that.

KylieKoKo · 30/12/2019 23:33

Dp and I close the bathroom door while pooing, me plucking chin hairs and (I think) him trimming his pubes.. We are extremely open but the closed door is respected. We don't have a lock on our bathroom as it's not needed. A closed door is not opened as we respect each other.

If your partner refuses you privacy he doesn't respect you.

MulticolourMophead · 30/12/2019 23:35

I think it's a bit odd not to be comfortable with your husband seeing you change but he should 100% respect your request.

I think, given the OP's updates, that any uncomfortable feelings are as a result of the emotional abuse coming to the fore.

I, too, was very uncomfortable changing with my ex in the room. Had a lot to do with abusive behaviour; I didn't want to give him opportunities to make any more digs at me.

In the early days, it wasn't so bad. We did have mutual respect, so it seemed, we never invaded privacy when on the toilet, or bathing, or changing. In the final years, he would be vocal about expecting privacy when on the toilet, or washing, or bathing, or changing. Yet would barge in on me when I was on the toilet, or bathing, changing, etc. He refused to accept that I wanted privacy. He also thought nothing of barging in on our teen DD when she was changing, on the grounds that it was his house so he could go anywhere.

So, I wonder if people who are uncomfortable with partners around when changing, bathing, etc, are subconsciously reacting to any abusive behaviour.

windycuntryside · 30/12/2019 23:37

His feelings and opinions do not trump your own.
Loving him, should never mean loving yourself or giving yourself less.
I think privacy is something that chances as and when I chose. If I want to get dressed in private I do. No questions or comments.

WelcomeToShootingStars · 31/12/2019 08:29

I don't like my husband seeing me get dressed. I'm fat and don't want him to see how I sometimes have to manoeuvre to get into things. No issue with him seeing me nude. Wouldn't dream of using the toilet in front of him as I just don't think it's particularly pleasant and I'm happy for that to remain a mystery.

If your husband is emotionally abusive, it may be more of a control thing for him if he knows its something you find difficult.

ChuckleBuckles · 31/12/2019 09:03

I, too, was very uncomfortable changing with my ex in the room. Had a lot to do with abusive behaviour; I didn't want to give him opportunities to make any more digs at me

This with bells on, partners that are caring and considerate of each other outside of the bedroom would not need to be told to be caring and considerate of their partner's privacy and autonomy in the bedroom. OP I think you are reacting to how this man treats you in other ways, and the refusal of your right to privacy is just one part of this. This is not about comfort levels, or body confidence this is about power and he is doing this to assert himself over you.

Ragwort · 31/12/2019 09:09

Agree with Welcome, being over weight it is a struggle to get dressed and I don’t want anyone to see me do that Blush. Of course my DH never comments on weight and still finds me attractive but it is personal to me that I don’t want to be seen pulling up my granny pants Grin.
We have separate bedrooms and store our clothes separately so it is never a issue but I think anyone who wants privacy should receive it out of respect.

ALLMYSmellySocks · 31/12/2019 09:09

I, too, was very uncomfortable changing with my ex in the room. Had a lot to do with abusive behaviour; I didn't want to give him opportunities to make any more digs at me

I bet this has something to do with it. DH and I are very open and he can walk in the bathroom if he needs to (although I prefer he doesn't if I'm on the loo) but he would respect my request for privacy without question. I imagine you feel more need for privacy than average because your DH isn't respectful.

AloneLonelyLoner · 31/12/2019 09:23

My abusive ex after ramping things up wouldn't let me lock or even close doors to the bathroom or any room I was in. It was him exerting control -that he could see me wherever I was and that he was allowed. He had total control.

Any man now even hinting that I shouldn't have a problem with being around whenever he decides gets a swift 'fuck odd' from me.

It's a massive red flag!!!!!!

CherryPavlova · 31/12/2019 09:26

I to find it odd to be uncomfortable with changing in front of someone who has been with you whilst you give birth. Then again, I don’t care who sees me change really. They don’t like my curved belly or cellulite that’s their problem. We rarely use locks or closed doors but we trust each other.
If you want privacy for whatever reason, it should be given, but I can see it might feel hurtful to your spouse. I can also see if you’re both getting dressed in the morning rush it might be very inconvenient.
Do you sleep and have sex with someone you don’t feel comfortable changing in front of?

JosefKeller · 31/12/2019 09:32

You can ask for privacy in loos and bathroom (I don't think you even need to "as" but some people are a bit blind to that), but it's weird in the bedroom if you share it. I would change in the bathroom, not kick him out of his bedroom.

Cryalot2 · 31/12/2019 09:38

Everyone is different. Dh and I have always been open and to us the privacy would be strange.
It started from our young days of mad passion and the rest .Hmm

Goatinthegarden · 31/12/2019 09:48

Nah, he has no ‘right’ to see you change.

We keep the bathroom totally private, DH only sees me shower if he has been invited to join me. I wouldn’t want him watching me soap up my nethers or plucking pubes.

Same with getting dressed, I just like to get ready in peace, without an audience. He gets up later than me for work, so I get dressed in the spare room where my mirror, hairdryer and make up is.

My body is mine and he only gets to see it when I want him to see it!

xJodiex · 31/12/2019 10:40

No, if you want privacy he should let you have it.

TigerOnATrain · 31/12/2019 10:59

@Idontkowmyname

...he’s made a few comments over the years but nothing of more concern. 'Spread them and open wide' was one that I found beyond disrespectful to be honest.

He says 'spread them and open wide?' that's actually fucking vile.

I would tell him to go fuck himself.

bernt79 · 31/12/2019 11:39

For about a 5 year period after getting married my DW didn't like me to see her naked. She would turn off the light when getting undressed and ask me to leave while she changed. She only had to ask a couple of times because I quickly picked up she wasn't comfortable so I would naturally leave the room so she could change. It was a little annoying for me as I loved seeing my wife's body and seeing your partner naked is one of the perks of being in a relationship. When we were dating I especially liked watching her getting dressed (i found it so sexy). However, I never pushed it and gave her space. I don't know why she didn't want me to see her naked, I can only assume it was a self confidence issue. After getting married my DW did put on a little bit of weight but nothing major but maybe that affected her self confidence. I tried to reassure her I thought she was beautiful. Anyway, over time she changed and is now if happy to be naked around me. I don't know whether her self confidence in her body improved or DW just became more comfortable being naked with me around. Either way, I get to see her naked which makes me happy as well. :-)

Bit of a different situation to the OP but the point is if you are not happy about being naked around your partner that is fine. Although it is probably best to talk to them why you don't want them to see you naked.

Original poster
Idontkowmyname · 31/12/2019 14:04

@TigerOnATrain fortunately he’s said that only once but thinks he’s being funny. And yes, I agree it’s vile.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 31/12/2019 18:29

@Idontkowmyname, this is his way of ramping up his abuse and using humiliation and a loss of rights to break you down further.

The fact that you doubt yourself enough to start this thread shows that he is in danger of suceeding.

You need to make getting out of this relationship, your NY resolution.

ohwheniknow · 31/12/2019 18:31

Coercive control then.

To expect privacy
triptrapdollydumpling · 31/12/2019 18:45

You have an absolute right to privacy.

Original poster
Idontkowmyname · 31/12/2019 20:44

@ohwheniknow where would this fit into that poster or were you meaning in general for me to identify other aspects of his behaviour?

OP posts:
Angie6868 · 31/12/2019 21:48

I find this really sad. You're entitled to privacy whenever you want it.
My DH wouldn't come into the bathroom if I was in there and he wouldn't come into the bedroom if I was getting changed. I have a lot of hang ups and he respects them.
It sounds like your confidence is at rock bottom. I hope you're OK Flowers

TheMustressMhor · 01/01/2020 14:34

@Idontkowmyname

Happy New Year OP.

How are you feeling today? I've thought a lot about your post and I find what you say very disquieting.