Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please help settle this argument with DH re finances....

80 replies

Shellsbellsk · 30/12/2019 21:23

DH & I have a system whereby we pay a set amount each in to a joint savings account, which is proportionate to our earnings. For many years I was earning significantly more than DH, so would pay double the amount he did. More recently, our earnings have evened out and we pay around the same amount in each month.

After paying for our wedding and buying our house (mostly as a result of my much larger contributions to our joint savings), I decided that I finally wanted to do something for myself and pay to have breast implants after years of being self conscious. Discussed with DH and agreed that I’d use a 0% credit card to finance it rather than taking a chunk out of our joint savings. Agreed I’d pay a high amount off the card each month in order to pay it off within a year and avoid paying any interest. This meant that the payment amount I’d usually be putting in to our savings each month would instead be paying off my card, leaving only DH paying his amount in to savings for the next year. DH confirmed he was ok with this at the time.

Ive now had the surgery and have been paying my card off for the last few months. DH has been making constant digs about me “wasting all our money on my tits” and how I should be grateful that he’s paying for my boobs and has “allowed” it. I’ve pointed out that he isn’t paying for anything, I’m using my own money. DH’s view is that as I’m not paying in to savings whilst I’m paying off my card, we are using his money as our joint savings which we are both benefiting from, therefore he’s effectively paying for my boob job and that basically I should be thankful Hmm

AIBU in thinking that DH has a totally warped view on this..... surely I should be able to spend my own money however I want to?!

OP posts:
PooWillyBumBum · 30/12/2019 21:31

I think he’s being an arsehole to phrase it that way, but if the agreement has always been that you contribute to a joint pot relative to income, then in a way it is being paid for from the family fund - just in a convoluted way (I.e. borrowed first and now you’re borrowing from the money that would be owed to the monthly budget to make repayments IYSWIM)

The bigger issue for me would be why the hell he said it was okay and is now being an unsupportive arse about something you felt you had to do for your happiness!

TooMinty · 30/12/2019 21:32

He shouldn't have said he was fine with it, then make digs afterwards. You can't undo it! Is there something he'd like to splash out on? Or is he just jealous now you feel more attractive/confident? I'd offer him to do similar on something he wants, but if he keeps nipping at you it's not on.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 30/12/2019 21:33

Oh yeah they aren't his tits and maybe you should stop letting him touch them!!

What an arsehole

RhodaDendron · 30/12/2019 21:34

He is being ridiculous and possibly just revelling in the fact that he’s now paying more in after years of contributing less... have you given him any stick for that OP or are you too nice?
In theory any money you spend on yourself for the rest of your life is taken out of the combined income so start writing it down every time he treats himself to anything... ever... and see how he likes it!

villamariavintrapp · 30/12/2019 21:35

Yes I think his view is warped. Unless he considers the house mostly yours? As it was mostly your money that paid for it..? But I kind of think you're looking at it wrong too, I don't really think it's your money as such either. If you're effectively taking money out of joint savings, then it's joint money and you're both paying for it.. I'd be a bit upset that he initially was supportive, and presumably you both agreed that improving your self esteem and quality of life etc was something that you both wanted to invest in, but now he doesn't..

Orangesox · 30/12/2019 21:36

He’s being a prick; he’s benefitted from your earning potential for years, and now he wants to throw this in your face and act like he’s Mr Magnanimous. Vile.

Oly4 · 30/12/2019 21:37

He’s right that it’s coming from joint money..he’s not right to punish you after he’s said it’s fine. Also, I’d be pointing out the fact that the only reason your savings are so healthy are because YOU contributed more for years.
Tell him to shut up. And enjoy your boobs

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 30/12/2019 21:37

He agreed that he was happy for your usual savings amount to be spent on the surgery.

He shouldn't be giving you grief for it now. He could always have suggested that you both reduce the savings amount, with you spending the difference on the surgery and him spending the difference on something for himself.

I'd not be letting him touch the fuckers til he sorted his attitude out.

Scarydinosaurs · 30/12/2019 21:38

I agree with orange

Waveysnail · 30/12/2019 21:38

Stop him paying into joint savings until you paid off credit card. He can use the money he would have put into savings for something for himself

BonnyConnie · 30/12/2019 21:39

Well it’s not entirely your money of it was supposed to be joint savings but then again it’s definitely not his money. Nor is it up to him to allow or not, merely to agree which he has so he should shit up about it.

letsdolunch321 · 30/12/2019 21:39

He sounds an absolute prize prick, I would be setting up an account and moving all my saving contributions to the new account along with paying off my new boobs c/card.

Also banish him to the spare room/sofa

Babybel90 · 30/12/2019 21:40

Just tell him to keep his money until it’s (they’re?) paid off and then you both start paying in again, perhaps suggest he gets an enlargement of his own if he’s that bothered about it 🙄

eeyore228 · 30/12/2019 21:40

Neither of you seem to be working jointly together. You seem to think that by earning and contributing more than him that you deserve something from it and he is being an idiot for agreeing and then making nasty comments. It’s a partnership, neither of you should be competing because the way the post is written you both seem to think you’re owed something.

ProfessionalBoss · 30/12/2019 21:41

Maybe you could have your bank send out a printed statement, and physically highlight the discrepancies between what you have each contributed over the years? If this is happening at the beginning of your lives together, then I suggest you nip it in the bud before he thinks it's acceptable in your partnership

Itsigginingtolookalotlikexmas · 30/12/2019 21:43

Well I'm imagining it being the man who earned more so put more into savings and decided to buy a car so didn't pay into savings for a year. Whether that is ok or not just depends whether you both agree to it or not - and he did agree! How much savings do you really need, can't it be spent on some things that make you happy?

TheLittleBrownFox · 30/12/2019 21:46

Tell him he didn't have a problem with you paying much more savings and he should be grateful for you paying for the house he lives in and his wedding. Then tell him that if he thinks that's unreasonable, he needs to buck his ideas up, realise you are married and supposed to be on the same team, and that he doesn't get to hold your boobs against you when he agreed to the finances before it happened.

Then I'd do a boob hoik, miss piggy hair flick and flouce out of the room

TheReef · 30/12/2019 21:47

Typical selfish behaviour. He's been happily benefiting from your higher wage for years and now he feels hard done to because you've spent some money on something for yourself! Prick. Next time he says anything, ask him if he's happy living in the house you've paid for, and he should be showing you how grateful he is, if you'd put the same amount in as he did you'd be living in a smaller house/flat.

Original poster
Shellsbellsk · 30/12/2019 21:49

Thanks everyone.
@RhodaDendron When I spent a long time paying significantly more in to the savings than DH did, I never once mentioned it to him or even thought about it. Now the situation has been reversed, I’m reminded daily. In the past he’s used our joint savings to pay for certain things for himself too (a couple of long haul flights), but he seems to have forgotten all about that!

OP posts:
PapayaCoconut · 30/12/2019 21:50

DH’s view is that as I’m not paying in to savings whilst I’m paying off my card, we are using his money as our joint savings which we are both benefiting from

I would say that this is accurate. However, he agreed to it, so he can't really complain now.

ALLMYSmellySocks · 30/12/2019 21:50

Well I think he's being a dick to go back on the agreement and begrudge you this after the fact. However I kind of agree with him that you're spending family money on a personal luxury.

My DH earns more than me but our money is joint money, him being the higher earner doesn't mean he expects to spend more on himself than I do.

That said if we both agreed he could himself some luxury item I wouldn't then go back after the fact and make him feel bad about it.

ALLMYSmellySocks · 30/12/2019 21:52

OP I think there's a difference between paying less in because you earn less and paying less in because you've spent it all on yourself. However if DH agreed to you getting the boob job and knew that as a consequence you wouldn't be paying into the savings he has no right to moan now. It would be stupid to pay interest on the debt since it'll almost certainly be more than you earn off the savings.

TooMinty · 30/12/2019 21:53

Remind him once that a) he agreed to it and b) he has also spent savings on things for him (flights). Hopefully he will then stop having a go but if he doesn't I'd be reconsidering if I wanted to stay with someone so petty.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 30/12/2019 21:54

He shouldn’t have agreed if unhappy but his is right in that you are using the joint savings to pay for the purchase. He should stop paying in for the same duration and use the money for something he wants.

DecemberDays · 30/12/2019 21:54

He is not paying for anything, you are using your own money.

If that is his attitude, I would do what Professional Boss says and work out exactly how much more of the house and wedding you have paid and be clear about that.

Then either you have separate savings accounts and simply pay half/proportionate on any joint purchases; or he simply stops paying into the savings account when you are not.