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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Please help settle this argument with DH re finances....

80 replies

Shellsbellsk · 30/12/2019 21:23

DH & I have a system whereby we pay a set amount each in to a joint savings account, which is proportionate to our earnings. For many years I was earning significantly more than DH, so would pay double the amount he did. More recently, our earnings have evened out and we pay around the same amount in each month.

After paying for our wedding and buying our house (mostly as a result of my much larger contributions to our joint savings), I decided that I finally wanted to do something for myself and pay to have breast implants after years of being self conscious. Discussed with DH and agreed that I’d use a 0% credit card to finance it rather than taking a chunk out of our joint savings. Agreed I’d pay a high amount off the card each month in order to pay it off within a year and avoid paying any interest. This meant that the payment amount I’d usually be putting in to our savings each month would instead be paying off my card, leaving only DH paying his amount in to savings for the next year. DH confirmed he was ok with this at the time.

Ive now had the surgery and have been paying my card off for the last few months. DH has been making constant digs about me “wasting all our money on my tits” and how I should be grateful that he’s paying for my boobs and has “allowed” it. I’ve pointed out that he isn’t paying for anything, I’m using my own money. DH’s view is that as I’m not paying in to savings whilst I’m paying off my card, we are using his money as our joint savings which we are both benefiting from, therefore he’s effectively paying for my boob job and that basically I should be thankful

AIBU in thinking that DH has a totally warped view on this..... surely I should be able to spend my own money however I want to?!

OP posts:

Betterversionofme · 30/12/2019 22:25

To StarUtopia:
Partnership? Until you are left alone with kids to provide for.

PenelopePissedstop · 30/12/2019 22:25

Looks like you maxed out on a bogof ... got a absolute stunner of a cunt to match the new tits !

Ohyesiam · 30/12/2019 22:29

He sounds awful. How can he think it’s ok to be married to someone and so obviously an adversary?

RhubarbFizz · 30/12/2019 22:29

I would set up a private, separate savings account. So a joint one for household purchases only and a private one for personal purchases. No issue then, had you done that at the start you would have a large amount in it. Then if he earns more going forwards it would not leave you vulnerable to your attitude.

I would also keep a record of all he spent out of the account and show him what % you have each spent.

Private finances all the way forwards if that is his attitude. No joint savings from now on.

IfOnlyIKnewThen · 30/12/2019 22:29

OPs update about her dhs views on why it was right that she contibuted the most towards the wedding are truly alarming.

Whatever the truth of it is, telling your spouse that you didn't want to get married as much as they did is a truly shit thing to say.

Cheeseboardcriminal · 30/12/2019 22:30

Tell him you are giving him chance to catch up since you have contributed far more than him thus far.

frazzledasarock · 30/12/2019 22:31

You know if you both can’t have a civil conversation about this then there’s not much prospect for your relationship lasting.

You could list the amount you’ve paid in versus the amount he has. Then both of you take out the percentage you each contributed and close the joint savings account and have your own.

He’s not a nice person, especially if he was happy to spend the savings which you contributed more towards on himself previously and this is the first time you’ve spent any significant amount on yourself.

Betterversionofme · 30/12/2019 22:32

Really. I think I would open a new account, worked out exactly how much I contributed (with interest from my contribution) MINUS whole wedding and boobs (as I am very generous) and transferred that amount my sole name account. Wouldn't mention anything beforehand. And after paying for card continued to pay toy savings account. And wouldn't allow to touch my boobs! Obviously.

Maddison12 · 30/12/2019 22:34

The wedding comment was disgusting also it sounds like he's jealous of you having your boobs done. My ex didn't want me to look good ever, I realised after I left him it was because he was so insecure and didn't want other men to find me attractive.

DogInATent · 30/12/2019 22:34

You either agreed to a system of income proportional contributions, or you didn't. What that means in terms of who then paid in the most when is not relevant - if that was the agreement you made and you're sticking to it. That system appears to have worked and you've paid off two substantial savings goals, a house and a wedding. What are you currently saving for?

If there is no pressing savings goal, why are you both not taking a sabbatical from paying in?

(and why on earth do you not have separate savings accounts as well as a joint savings account?)

TimeforanotherChange · 30/12/2019 22:35

@PenelopePissedstop . That is brilliant!

Original poster

Shellsbellsk · 30/12/2019 22:37

@PenelopePissedstop Thank you, you’ve given me a good laugh out of this shitty situation at least 😂😂

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 30/12/2019 22:42

This is why I'm not keen on a joint account.

DH pays for certain things..I pay for other things and we spend or save our money as we see fit.

Will you be paying more for your child's stuff because you wanted it more? That comment about the wedding would piss me off and until he apologised, he wouldn't be coming anywhere near my boobs.

Branster · 30/12/2019 22:44

Tell him he’s free to get his own boobs done and you could reccomend a very good surgeon if it bothers him that much
Seriously though, if he is making such a big issue out of something which has already been mutually agreed, then he’ll always be like this. If for some reason, you need to take a career break or cut in salary for the benefit of the family whilst he maintains a higher contribution to the joint savings account, he will always, always point it out to you, and that’s not normal in a balanced relationship. It will wear you down. Is he jealous at some level?

Jux · 30/12/2019 22:46

You are not thinking like a married couple.income from anywhere is family money, it's not yours or his. Ideally, you would both have your salaries paid into the same account and everythng gets paid from there. It aboids these sort of arguments.

As you're married, then legally what's yours is his and what's his is yours.

timeisnotaline · 30/12/2019 22:46

DH’s view is that as I’m not paying in to savings whilst I’m paying off my card, we are using his money as our joint savings which we are both benefiting from
I agree with this, but he is being a dick about it now, after he’s agreed.
Re the wedding comment I’d get very upset, sit him down and say I had no idea you didn’t want to get married. I love you, but I don’t want to be married to someone who doesn’t want to be married to me. And if he backtracks, tries to say anything else, say this is a black and white concept. You either want to be married to me, or you don’t, in which case I guess we shouldn’t be married. I have no idea why you would be here if you didn’t want to be. (Bear in mind he may not actually want to be married to you, he certainly doesn’t sound caring and loving. But you really don’t want to be in a marriage with someone who doesn’t care about you, so best to have this discussion no matter what)

FixTheBone · 30/12/2019 22:50

Where's the 'You Are Both Being Unreasonable' button???

Walkingdeadfangirl · 30/12/2019 22:50

Just tell him that he can use a similar amount of money on personal luxuries for himself. Then he can use his savings contributions to pay it off over time as well. That would be fair.

But going forward keeping personal savings and family savings separate might be best.

Cherrysoup · 30/12/2019 22:50

When I spent a long time paying significantly more in to the savings than DH did, I never once mentioned it to him or even thought about it. Now the situation has been reversed, I’m reminded daily. In the past he’s used our joint savings to pay for certain things for himself too (a couple of long haul flights), but he seems to have forgotten all about that!

I’d be reminding him sharpish and adding up just exactly how much more than him you’ve contributed in the past. Could you have bought the house without your savings contribution? Have you had a proper discussion about why he’s digging away? Why is he doing this and I’d be fucking putting a major stop to this ‘allowing you’ to do the boob job. Wanker.

Candymay · 30/12/2019 22:58

You could offer to allow him to have a penis extension?

lisag1969 · 30/12/2019 23:07

Ignore him. He's just trying to get a reaction from you. It's only for 12 months. Don't even answer him when he goes on. Technically he's benefiting from your new boobs too.
A happier more confident wife. X

NoSquirrels · 30/12/2019 23:08

I reminded DH before that I practically paid for our entire wedding myself. His response was that I was the one who wanted to get married the most, so makes sense that I should have paid for it!

Uh-oh.

Your boob job vs savings was debatable - but he was being a prick going back on something agreed.

That comment is well out of order.

You need a discussion, sharpish. Because you apparently have different attitudes to money.

And the logical next step of his ‘you wanted it’ argument will cone with the arrival of children, I guarantee you that, and it will not be pretty, or fair, or reasonable.

Difficult discussion ASAP, if I were you.

ClareBlue · 30/12/2019 23:17

Seriously, if my partner paid more into a savings plan that facilitated us buying a house and then spent some money on enhancing her self confidence and sexiness, I would pay the frecking card of myself.

ClareBlue · 30/12/2019 23:23

Off..I really would cause OP deserves it. Happy, confident, sexy wife, financial independent, what not to like.

Cantuccit · 30/12/2019 23:29

He's being a twat. Can you easily work out how much you paid into savings? I would demand that back in exchange for breast implant cost!

DH and I have separate savings. I'm great at saving and he's crap even though he earns more.

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