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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please help settle this argument with DH re finances....

80 replies

Shellsbellsk · 30/12/2019 21:23

DH & I have a system whereby we pay a set amount each in to a joint savings account, which is proportionate to our earnings. For many years I was earning significantly more than DH, so would pay double the amount he did. More recently, our earnings have evened out and we pay around the same amount in each month.

After paying for our wedding and buying our house (mostly as a result of my much larger contributions to our joint savings), I decided that I finally wanted to do something for myself and pay to have breast implants after years of being self conscious. Discussed with DH and agreed that I’d use a 0% credit card to finance it rather than taking a chunk out of our joint savings. Agreed I’d pay a high amount off the card each month in order to pay it off within a year and avoid paying any interest. This meant that the payment amount I’d usually be putting in to our savings each month would instead be paying off my card, leaving only DH paying his amount in to savings for the next year. DH confirmed he was ok with this at the time.

Ive now had the surgery and have been paying my card off for the last few months. DH has been making constant digs about me “wasting all our money on my tits” and how I should be grateful that he’s paying for my boobs and has “allowed” it. I’ve pointed out that he isn’t paying for anything, I’m using my own money. DH’s view is that as I’m not paying in to savings whilst I’m paying off my card, we are using his money as our joint savings which we are both benefiting from, therefore he’s effectively paying for my boob job and that basically I should be thankful Hmm

AIBU in thinking that DH has a totally warped view on this..... surely I should be able to spend my own money however I want to?!

OP posts:
PlumsGalore · 30/12/2019 21:55

I can’t believe you have posted this without first reminding him of your historical contributions and his long haul flights.

Original poster
Shellsbellsk · 30/12/2019 21:56

I reminded DH before that I practically paid for our entire wedding myself. His response was that I was the one who wanted to get married the most, so makes sense that I should have paid for it!

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 30/12/2019 21:57

DH’s view is that as I’m not paying in to savings whilst I’m paying off my card, we are using his money as our joint savings which we are both benefiting from
This is accurate.
There's a difference between paying different amounts into joint savings due to different earnings and not paying into joint savings to fund a boob job.

But he is being an arse in his response and attitude now after he agreed to this way of financing the boob job.

RandomMess · 30/12/2019 21:58

His attitude seriously stinks...

It comes across as deep rooted misogyny tbh, what's yours is his and what's his is his...

cstaff · 30/12/2019 21:59

I would start to remind him of the flights he paid for out of the savings and also the fact that you put in a lot more than him for along time. Fuck that OP. You are supposed to be a partnership and he is acting like a spoilt brat. I wouldn't be able to hold back on his smart ass comments. Also if he has that much of a problem with your new boobs tell him hands off Grin. Kinda joking.

CooCooCoo · 30/12/2019 21:59

His response was that I was the one who wanted to get married the most, so makes sense that I should have paid for it!

Holy shit this is a man-child you are dealing with. I think you’ve got more issues than just a debate over savings tbh! What a dick!

Savingforarainyday · 30/12/2019 21:59

I despair.....
Are people not partners anymore, financially?

DecemberDays · 30/12/2019 22:01

Sounds like his true self might be coming out now the wedding is a marriage

MarianaMoatedGrange · 30/12/2019 22:03

The biggest tit here is your 'D'H.

ACouchOfOnesOwn · 30/12/2019 22:03

Arguably the money is coming out of the joint account and in the meantime he is contributing savings. So, financially he is subsidising you atm.

However, he shouldn't have agreed if he was going to throw it back at you and it doesn't sit well that he was happy for you to subsidise his career and purchases but the first time the situation is reversed, he is throwing it back in your face.

tbh it would make me reconsider having a joint savings account with him. As for the wedding comments, he's an arse and sounds like he'd be a financially abusive arse if he could only get his act together enough to be the higher earner.

ConnorRipley · 30/12/2019 22:03

His response was that I was the one who wanted to get married the most, so makes sense that I should have paid for it!

Woah Shock what a fucking cunt.

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 30/12/2019 22:04

I'm not sure I'd be ok if DH wanted to pay for a penis enlargement rather than into our joint savings to the tune of £10k or so.

Purpleartichoke · 30/12/2019 22:04

I don’t know why he is making comments about an expense he agreed to, but he did contribute to the cost. Not paying Into your joint savings for a year is essentially equivalent to taking money out of your joint savings.

ferrier · 30/12/2019 22:04

Hmmm .... looking much worse with your update. Are there any redeeming features. Was he always like this or has he only been throwing his weight around since he gained parity in earnings?

Upsiedasie · 30/12/2019 22:06

He shouldn’t have agreed if he was going to hold it over you!

He is factually correct that it’s ‘his’ money funding this (because it’s what would be joint savings). However, I think that as long as he would be ‘allowed’ to do the same then there is no problem.

When he makes his silly comments, remind him he agreed to this and you’ve worked hard to contribute your share of the savings. Why should you not be allowed to buy something you really want if you can afford it?

TooMinty · 30/12/2019 22:06

Yes Lionel, but you'd tell him that before he did it? Not say "yeah that's fine babe" then start having a go after he'd done it?

I'd be close to saying "well if you don't want to be married then we can sort that..."

Chloemol · 30/12/2019 22:14

Just mention to him the amount of time you put in double what he did, and keep mentioning it. Every single time

Justaboy · 30/12/2019 22:15

Now if it were me i'd be rejocing that my lady has acquired a better bigger enhanced pair as it will make her feel better and well, I'd feel them better:)

Whats the guy really want?, a dick job?, all seems rather odd to me:(

Rachelfromfriends1 · 30/12/2019 22:17

He sounds quite nasty

MarianaMoatedGrange · 30/12/2019 22:18

Justaboy cringing for you and any 'lady' you're with.

StarUtopia · 30/12/2019 22:19

Everytime there's a post like this , I"m shaking my head wondering why!

Why do two grown adults, in a relationship, behave like they're living in student accommodation with my milk/your milk in the fridge!

Just chuck all the money together to pay the bills, then what's left, is what's left. Enjoy together.

Seriously, never understood this. Who gives a shit who earns more?! One day it might be you, the next it might be him. We're a partnership in this house, it's all ours.

MiniGuinness · 30/12/2019 22:19

This is why I would never have a joint account. I want my own money and I want to spend it how I see fit. I think you should have had your own savings from the start and then this would not happen. I don’t think he should be the only one saving currently and I do agree with him about the wedding to some extent, if you wanted it a certain way it is down to you to pay for it.

Lollypop82 · 30/12/2019 22:19

My goodness. He is sounding like an absolute catch. Has he always been this much of a prick? I would seriously be considering my options moving forward, he does not seem to respect you.

Okbutno · 30/12/2019 22:23

Well he sounds very unappealing. Sorry about your husband op Flowers

windycuntryside · 30/12/2019 22:23

I hope you are enjoying your new look.
He is behaving like a brat, he has contributed less overall, and I would remind him EVERY. SINGLE. FUCKING.TIME. Now may be a good time to have separate savings accounts.