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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dp, lying over a stupid thing.

78 replies

GirlOnIt · 30/12/2019 19:33

Baby isn’t very well so I’ve not had much sleep, so when both dc went down for a nap earlier I joined them.
I didn’t actually ask Dp to do anything or really expect him to, the house was reasonably clean/tidy and he’s been up through the night too.

But when I woke up, he’d obviously had a bit of a clean and tidy. I commented positively, mostly on the fact he’d sorted Ds’s toys as I’d be wondering where the hell to store them. He then told me everything he’d done while I slept, one of which was mop the floor. I asked what he’d used and he said the normal floor cleaner, only I ran out of that the other day and haven’t bought more. When I said that and after firstly saying he’s sure that’s what he used, he finally admitted he hadn’t cleaned the floor at all. Now he’s saying he meant to and just didn’t get round to it, but said it because he’d forgotten he hadn’t.

We’re trying again after being separated and he’s been really good and amazing while dd has been poorly. I really wasn’t expecting him to do anything while we slept, so why lie. I left it at the time but I’m really tempted to bring it up again and ask “why?”
Would I be unreasonable to do so?

OP posts:
MonstranceClock · 30/12/2019 19:35

Just leave it. Does it really matter?

QueenofmyPrinces · 30/12/2019 19:38

He’s obviously trying to impress you and be on his best behaviour.

Pick your battles......and this isn’t one to have.

thepeopleversuswork · 30/12/2019 19:42

Agree with Queen, it’s irritating that he’s lying but clearly done to make him look good and impress you. Unless it’s part of a pattern and you have more significant worries I would let it go.

Why did you separate?

MissConductUS · 30/12/2019 19:44

He's trying to be a good partner again. Count your blessings.

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 30/12/2019 19:56

I guess I should just leave it and as a one off I will. But as much as he’s trying and wanting to be good, it’s more important that’s he’s honest with me, isn’t it?
Now the fact that he tidied up at all is ruined by the fact he lied and I’m now feeling like was it just one upmanship, I’ll do this and say I’ve done this all while she was just sleeping.

OP posts:
OvalCanvas · 30/12/2019 19:58

Let it go. Words just fall out of my mouth when I'm tired , I then realise I'm speaking nonsense.

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 30/12/2019 20:26

Yes @OvalCanvas. I’ll let it go and put it down to bring tired and trying to look good. I hate lying though and would have preferred if at least when I’d said we had no cleaned he’d held his hands up and said sorry I didn’t actually get round to doing it. Rather than still trying to lie about it.

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OvalCanvas · 30/12/2019 20:31

I think I remember your thread about separating @GirlOnIt , apologies for not realising sooner. I can see while you're on alert for such things now , it must be hard to see if something happens due to tiredness or if it's just more nonsense.

I hope you find a way forward.

mrsmuddlepies · 30/12/2019 20:31

@GirlOnIt , I have claimed to do more chores sometimes just because if you have a mental list you think you have done things that you haven't actually got around to doing. None of us know the back story here but pursuing such a trivial thing comes across as controlling on your part.
Relax and let go. Don't search for things to hold against him unless you really don't want this to work.
I would hate it if my husband nit picked about household chores and tried to catch me out.

OvalCanvas · 30/12/2019 20:31

*why

AnneOfAvonlea · 30/12/2019 20:44

I read something earlier about peoples obsession with wanting to right all the time. In the grand scheme of things does it really matter? He was helpful. I would move on.

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 30/12/2019 20:47

I wasn't looking for something wrong @mrsmuddlepies. I only asked what he cleaned it with as he's precious over what we clean it with (wooden floor). I really wasn't expecting him to do anything, I'd have been fine if he'd napped too or sat and played on his xbox.
I'm keeping quite though.

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Thefaceofboe · 30/12/2019 20:56

@GirlOnIt my dp actually finishes work at 4.30 (I finish at 6) but he tells me he finishes at 5.30 so he can sit on his play station and I don’t moan that he’s not done anything productive. lol. I don’t even care but like someone said, pick your battles Grin

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 30/12/2019 21:01

But what's the point if you know anyway @Thefaceofboe? And doesn't it annoy you? I'd think why can't he just say he needs a hours down time after work, I'd be fine with that and at least know I could say the same if I needed it.

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Thefaceofboe · 30/12/2019 21:03

@GirlOnIt He doesn’t know I know and I haven’t said anything because I genuinely don’t mind if he just wants to chill as he has been at work all day. The pointless lying does really annoy me though Confused I just don’t get it

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 30/12/2019 21:21

That's what annoyed me @Thefaceofboe. It's a pointless lie. Now I'm actually not as impressed by what he did do either as the lie is all I'm thinking about.

I just need to forget about it. I'm just not very good at not saying anything 🙊

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Skittlesandbeer · 30/12/2019 21:24

I hate pointless little lies with a passion. Especially from partners.

They instantly erode trust for me, and it feels like I’ve been treated like an angry mother-figure by a toddler. ‘ Oooo, better tell a fib to mummy so she pats me on the head and doesn’t punish me.’ Not an adult way of behaving. You haven’t set yourself up as the ‘Housework Police’, but he has put you in that role unfairly.

It’s a very unattractive trait, whichever way you look at ‘the grand scheme of things’. And it seems to me that Big Liars start out as Little Liars, then get some practice and confidence up.

1Morewineplease · 30/12/2019 21:24

Let it go.

Rachelfromfriends1 · 30/12/2019 21:24

I’m not sure of the backstory, why are you so convinced he was lying to make himself look better rather than just a slip of the tongue?

If he constantly lies, he should be called out on it - but you already did so no real point in bringing the conversation up again?

PlanDeRaccordement · 30/12/2019 21:29

When your tired you can honestly not remember what you did or did not do. I remember having a young infant and struggling to remember if I’d brushed my teeth that day or if I was remembering another day.

That’s probably all it was. I would let it go and be happy he is making an effort.

LadyLightning · 30/12/2019 21:40

Skittlesandbeer makes a good point. It is a stupid little lie, and by itself isnt a big thing, but it does erode trust - if he is so happy to tell lies, why would you trust him about anything? You need to tell him that - and that staying together means honesty.

Sweetcustard · 30/12/2019 22:05

Stop nit picking. Yes he lied about the housework. My husband does it quite a lot. The other day he said he'd put the chicken in the oven to save me doing it, so tea could be done sooner, because I was in town.
Did he do it? 🙈🙄
He took the rubbish out too, but it was still there when I got home, so I don't know who's rubbish he took out then 🤷
Drop the issue.
We all tell little lies. I tell my husband tea will he 5 minutes all the time... Three hours later....
I tell him I'll stop nagging...one minute later.
🙈 Unless he's telling life changing harmful lies just drop it.

YuletideFairy · 30/12/2019 22:10

I wouldn’t let it go tbh. I can’t abide liars, even little lies. What’s the point of telling lies?

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 30/12/2019 22:11

Because he kept it up @Rachelfromfriends1. If when I'd said but we don't have any cleaning stuff, he'd said oh no I mustn't have actually done it. Then I'd think he'd just thought he had. But he said he must have used something different and even went to look, only there's nothing in there that he could/would have used instead. That's when he said oh I meant to, so must have thought I had.

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FizzyPink · 30/12/2019 22:13

My DP does this sort of thing sometimes. For example he’ll say he’s bought me a present when actually he’s thought about and decided he’s going to buy me something but not bought it yet. He will then buy it before he sees me so it makes no difference to me really so I just let it go knowing he wants to do a nice thing and make me happy.