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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dp, lying over a stupid thing.

78 replies

GirlOnIt · 30/12/2019 19:33

Baby isn’t very well so I’ve not had much sleep, so when both dc went down for a nap earlier I joined them.
I didn’t actually ask Dp to do anything or really expect him to, the house was reasonably clean/tidy and he’s been up through the night too.

But when I woke up, he’d obviously had a bit of a clean and tidy. I commented positively, mostly on the fact he’d sorted Ds’s toys as I’d be wondering where the hell to store them. He then told me everything he’d done while I slept, one of which was mop the floor. I asked what he’d used and he said the normal floor cleaner, only I ran out of that the other day and haven’t bought more. When I said that and after firstly saying he’s sure that’s what he used, he finally admitted he hadn’t cleaned the floor at all. Now he’s saying he meant to and just didn’t get round to it, but said it because he’d forgotten he hadn’t.

We’re trying again after being separated and he’s been really good and amazing while dd has been poorly. I really wasn’t expecting him to do anything while we slept, so why lie. I left it at the time but I’m really tempted to bring it up again and ask “why?”
Would I be unreasonable to do so?

OP posts:
Original poster
GirlOnIt · 30/12/2019 23:41

I do need sleep @Sweetcustard. We both do, unfortunately the baby doesn't seem to want to 😩

OP posts:
53rdWay · 30/12/2019 23:43

I don't understand why people are mad. We all tell little lies though?

If you really think everyone would tell this kind of lie, that probably is why you find it hard to understand why anyone would have a problem with it.

I wouldn’t lie like this and I would find it hard to trust someone who did.

Cookiedough123 · 30/12/2019 23:45

I put YABU but it's so hard not to pull someone up when you know they are lying. I wish I was the type of person who could just let things go but I find it difficult.

Umberta · 30/12/2019 23:48

@Sadiesnakes erm no I dont consider cleaning to be my work. If I do some, my DH thanks me. If he does some, I thank him. We both see it as a chore so we both thank each other when the other does some. How is thanking someone for doing a chore enabling?! Good grief, I'm a feminist too, that doesn't mean I need to be rude to my husband or go around ranting about men or accusing women of being "enablers". How extremely offensive of you.

Umberta · 30/12/2019 23:50

Nb I'm not saying the OP was offensive. Just the pp who quoted me and called me an "enabler" Hmm heavens above

UndertheCedartree · 30/12/2019 23:52

@Sadiesnakes - the amount of people who think he deserves a medal!

And no we don't all exagerate about the amount of housework we've done. Why on earth would you? We don't all go around telling 'white' lies either. I am really suprised at the amount of people saying it is commonplace to lie. Would you be happy with your DC lying too?

midnightmisssuki · 30/12/2019 23:53

Little white lies annoy me as they’re are so easy to be caught out on, and really - lying about mopping? Sounds like you’re also looking for a reason to be annoyed, is getting back together a decision you Made together?

Umberta · 30/12/2019 23:59

This thread has been taken over by unconditional man-haters... it's a crime to thank a man for doing a chore apparently. Of course, if OP had done a few chores while her DP was asleep, you can bet she'd expect to be thanked! As I say, I judge people on their actions more than their words. What did he actually do:some chores. What did he say: some BS exaggeration. For me, the good actions outweigh the bad words. If that makes me some doormat enabler, because I'm willing to shrug off a silly non-event like this, I wonder how any relationships survive. It seems lots of commenters on here love pouncing on husbands' crimes so they can shout LTB with relish...!

53rdWay · 31/12/2019 00:04

Lying is also an action.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 31/12/2019 00:16

Oh I remember this guy. No wonder you're on high alert for lies. He'll never change, he's on his best behaviour - for now.

UndertheCedartree · 31/12/2019 00:19

Except noone has said LTB.

I think what I've learnt from this thread is some people really value honesty. And for others lying is 'a non-event'. Each to their own. I've managed to have a 18 year relationship without having to put up with lying to avoid us breaking up. Not everyone lies.

NearlyGranny · 31/12/2019 00:29

Yeah, you caught him in a stupid lie, ready to take credit for something he definitely knew he hadn't done. He was looking for another gold star...

I would bring it up with him but only if he does it a second time. Just tell him your approval is really easy to win if he wants it by just seeing what needs doing and pitching in without needing to be asked or directed, and not making a song and dance about how they are 'helping' as if it's not their home or baby of toilet or floor.

There's no need for him to tell silly lies to make himself look better when it's always going to backfire. Why not tell him you hate lies as much as you love helpfulness? That should give him the steer he seems to be looking for!

NearlyGranny · 31/12/2019 00:30

...'baby of toilet', Der! OR, not of.

iamyourequal · 31/12/2019 00:42

I think you are right to be annoyed. What is the character of a person who tells needless lies? I think his lack of honesty shows a lack of integrity and I would find that hard to accept in a relationship. I would bring it up with him, but sleep on it first.

Sadiesnakes · 31/12/2019 01:30

Umberta- Anyone can claim to be feminist but your posts are saying otherwise.

Ponoka7 · 31/12/2019 10:00

You've had significant problems since your first baby was born and he got nasty when you separated.

So of course you are going to be wary of him reverting back to how he was.

But I don't think this is worth bringing up. Keep it on the back burner.

It's still the honeymoon period, things could change or he might be scared now he knows that you are prepared to leave and is really trying to change.

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 31/12/2019 10:01

I feel a bug less annoyed this morning, probably because I've slept. J do wish I'd said something at the time but think bringing it up now wouldn't be a good idea.

He's not generally one to seek praise for what he's done around the house, so I'm thinking it's maybe that he's just trying to make a good impression at the moment. He's gone out to buy floor cleaner so he can actually do what he said he had.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 31/12/2019 10:05

Needless lies tripping off the tongue would bother me. I'm not sure how far I'd take it. Depends if it's part of a pattern.

doodleygirl · 31/12/2019 10:17

I have no understanding of anyone who would lie about such a ridiculous thing. Who boasts about cleaning a floor if they haven’t actually cleaned the floor. Just nuts.

The posters saying this is all fine just a standard every day lie must have very low standards within their relationships.

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 31/12/2019 10:45

I do think he really is trying @Ponoka7. There was lots of things going on that's not for me to really disclose on here and although not excuses and he knows that. I do think it explains his behaviour. That's why I'm willing to try again, but yes the trust is somewhat gone and I suppose I'm looking for things I wouldn't normally. At the same time I think he's panicking I'm not going to forgive him so he's going all out to prove how good he is. We've spoke and I've said he needs to just relax and let things happen as they will.
He's been amazing while our dd has been poorly and I honestly wouldn't have managed without him, but it's only stuff that he should be doing as a good dad and partner and that's fine I don't expect more than that.

OP posts:
Original poster
GirlOnIt · 31/12/2019 10:48

I think he'd probably meant to clean the floor and hadn't got round to it. And for some reason he thought it sounded better to say he had. Who knows, but he was up with the kids, made breakfast and has gone to the supermarket. I'm still in my pj's so I can't really complain.

OP posts:
LochJessMonster · 31/12/2019 11:05

I would let it go but it would annoy me as its such a pointless lie to tell.
You had already praised him for the tidying, why did he not just say 'thank you'?

Yes, people exaggerate - ' I did 5 loads of laundry today' when they only did 2, or 'I'll put the chicken in the oven to help you' and then they forget but to actively say something that isn't true? It is weird.

OneDay10 · 31/12/2019 11:13

I wouldn't leave it. It would really bother me as to the reasons behind it. You werent expecting it, so no need to lie.
Unless he wants to use this to throw it back to you how much he does 'for you'.
I would also question all the amazing things he has done so far.. the ones he actually did.

crystal1717 · 31/12/2019 11:59

@OneDay10
Are you actively trying to break up their marriage? Over nothing - a white lie that we all do all the time.

AugustFalls · 31/12/2019 12:12

crystal1717 No, we don’t all white lie about pointless things. What is the point?

It’s not even about the content of the lie necessarily, but the ease it falls off the tongue. If you can lie about something so stupid and trivial, there is nothing to stop you lying about something important and serious, and that’s when the trust is lost.

If your DH doesn’t have form for this I’d take it as a one off and let it go. If it happens on a regular basis I would see that as a red flag. In OP’s scenario, getting back together after a separation is going to put people on alert for things that aren’t right - this might not be a big deal but it’s understandable why OP would notice and feel a bit uneasy about it.