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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dp, lying over a stupid thing.

78 replies

GirlOnIt · 30/12/2019 19:33

Baby isn’t very well so I’ve not had much sleep, so when both dc went down for a nap earlier I joined them.
I didn’t actually ask Dp to do anything or really expect him to, the house was reasonably clean/tidy and he’s been up through the night too.

But when I woke up, he’d obviously had a bit of a clean and tidy. I commented positively, mostly on the fact he’d sorted Ds’s toys as I’d be wondering where the hell to store them. He then told me everything he’d done while I slept, one of which was mop the floor. I asked what he’d used and he said the normal floor cleaner, only I ran out of that the other day and haven’t bought more. When I said that and after firstly saying he’s sure that’s what he used, he finally admitted he hadn’t cleaned the floor at all. Now he’s saying he meant to and just didn’t get round to it, but said it because he’d forgotten he hadn’t.

We’re trying again after being separated and he’s been really good and amazing while dd has been poorly. I really wasn’t expecting him to do anything while we slept, so why lie. I left it at the time but I’m really tempted to bring it up again and ask “why?”
Would I be unreasonable to do so?

OP posts:
beck3001 · 30/12/2019 22:17

This would annoy me to be completely honest but if you want to bring it up, rather than question it, put it across in a sence of reassuring him.. Say,

"You don't have to feel like you have to do things or for things to be made perfect, it's okay if you didn't do it, you can just say you didn't get round to it, I honestly don't mind"

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 30/12/2019 22:17

That's my thinking @YuletideFairy. I think the majority say leave it though and he's been great in every other respect. So I'll leave it this time.
He's going to get some more cleaner and he's doing all the floors tomorrow, so that's something at least.

OP posts:
53rdWay · 30/12/2019 22:23

I would find it really hard to just let it go honestly. If someone will lie to you about something that doesn’t really bother you anyway, how can you trust them to tell you the truth about things where you might react in a way they don’t want (being angry or sad or changing plans etc)?

All the constant little-white-lie people I’ve known have also lied about big stuff too, eventually.

Now if he was just exhausted and genuinely forgot he hadn’t done it (really?) then okay, I suppose, but I’d keep an eye out for future issues.

Umberta · 30/12/2019 22:25

@back3001 I think that's really great advice. Yeah it sounds like he's trying to look good, maybe regain your confidence in how reliable he can be? But you can reassure him that he already helped out, he doesn't need to exaggerate. It wasn't exactly a lie to begin with, more like an exaggeration at first, but then you pulled him up on it and I guess he felt like a fool and didn't know how to get himself out of it elegantly (plus you kept pushing for details). I say actions are more important than words, and the fact remains he did do lots of helpful tidying while you were asleep, that's better than nothing

Umberta · 30/12/2019 22:27

It's not a downright lie if you look at the context: look DP didn't I do a good job while you were asleep! I did A and B and C and even D! -but you didn't do D did you. -um, er...(back and forth) ok I didn't do D.

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 30/12/2019 22:27

We have had that conversation @beck3001. The thing is he definitely isn't lazy with housework etc, he more than pulls his weight. So it's not like this has been a issue for us. I'd say he's a bit better than me to be honest, I'd rather nap or read a book.

OP posts:
Umberta · 30/12/2019 22:28

He still deserves thanking for ABC I think, and reassurance that it's ok he didn't do D. He got carried away listing his good work, it's not a malicious lie.

letsdolunch321 · 30/12/2019 22:30

Make him a "DICKHEAD" hat as he is acting like one

LuluBellaBlue · 30/12/2019 22:34

This would really irritate me too and I’d struggle to not say anything. It would make me lose all trust in their word.

Umberta · 30/12/2019 22:34

Whew such strong overreactions here... who hasn't exaggerated when we're proud of all the housework weve done? I do this a lot, I'll say to my DH I've done five loads of laundry and then after his reaction I'll say, ok maybe it was two. But if he very seriously interrogated me about the details of all five loads I'dfeel a bit silly. I think it's a huge leap to say these little overreactions mean I'm more likely to tell big lies too??! Some people just exaggerate a lot, especially when they're pleased about something.

UndertheCedartree · 30/12/2019 22:43

I think it depends if lying was the reason you seperated. Like is this a sign he is a compulsive liar. Also was this him trying really hard to be a good DP and pull his weight. Or was it him saying he'd done all those things to passive aggressively say the house was a mess or that he does more than you? He could have just been tired of course only you know. But the fact when you asked what he'd used he didn't realise he hadn't got round to it and just say - seems a bit strange to me.

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 30/12/2019 22:47

I did thank him for what he'd done @Umberta.
The conversation went like this: I came down when eldest Dc woke up, went into him in the room and he asked if bang was still asleep, I saw he'd sorted the toys and said "oh, you managed to find somewhere for all his stuff. (I had Ds in my arms at this point) so said "yay, well done daddy". Then he said he's sorted out the cupboard in the kitchen (there's one I'm always paranoid about spiders in so don't like doing it) so I said "oh thanks, have we got more space now". Then he said he'd vacuumed and done the skirting boards and cleaned the floors. That's when I asked what he cleaned with, because we didn't have anything to clean them with and with poorly baby I'd not had chance to go buy any. I wasn't thinking he hadn't done it, I was wondering what he'd used or if he'd been to buy some.

OP posts:
windycuntryside · 30/12/2019 22:53

It’s not a biggie. He confessed quickly, mental note and see how things go.
Silly to part company because he lied about mopping the floor. He should be on strict probation though.

windycuntryside · 30/12/2019 22:54

He was trying to impress you,

53rdWay · 30/12/2019 22:57

who hasn't exaggerated when we're proud of all the housework weve done?

I don’t think most people would say “oh and I cleaned the floor!” when they hadn’t cleaned the floor, would they?

Leflic · 30/12/2019 22:57

Hate it. Tell the truth always.

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 30/12/2019 23:13

I agree @53rdWay. And I also hate lying @Leflic.
I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt though and hopefully it's not repeated.
He has made me a lovely hot chocolate and some buttery toast while I'm feeding the baby.

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 30/12/2019 23:15

Leave it. He was just doing that thing where you said what you wished you had done.

crystal1717 · 30/12/2019 23:18

I think you sound like incredibly hard work. Chill out and stop being so nasty.
He's trying to mend your marriage and you're just nit picking.

Aloe6 · 30/12/2019 23:20

I was with someone who told pointless lies like this. There were a lot bigger, more serious lies that I later found out about it. It’s inexcusable really. Makes you doubt every little thing they say which is a horrible way to live.

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 30/12/2019 23:27

How am I nit picking and being nasty @crystal1717? I haven't said anything else to him other than asking what he'd cleaned the floor with. Yes, I'm questioning it. Because lying doesn't sit right with me and we're only just trying again so things obviously aren't perfect. But I haven't said anything to him and I'm not bothered that he didn't clean the floor.

OP posts:
Sadiesnakes · 30/12/2019 23:29

He still deserves thanking for ABC I think, and that it's ok he didn't do D. He got carried away listing his good work, it's not a malicious lie.

Yes op, thank him for doing your work.🙄

Ignore his lying, he was doing his best and understand that he's just a man, and that's all he can do...

Ffs, it's no wonder there are so many poorly behaved men considering the amount of enabling that happens.

Sweetcustard · 30/12/2019 23:34

Girls?! Am I actually reading this?! Yes he lied about floor cleaning!!
Yes he lied.
He lied.
LIED.
LIED!!!!!!!
Now let's make a ten series drama about it?
I don't understand why people are mad. We all tell little lies though? Doesn't mean we're capable of big lies.
I think the OP still has issues regarding the original separation etc. So trust needs to be gained...but today 🙈 get some sleep, new babies are HARD. ❤️

DickDewy · 30/12/2019 23:37

I think it’s pretty weird to tell lies, big or small.

I would be wondering why he needs to tell a silly lie like this.

Cherrysoup · 30/12/2019 23:38

I think yabu. You need to tackle this at the time. The moment has passed, pointless to bring it back up, it’ll just cause a big blow up. Presumably you don’t want that. Next time, (because there will be a next time) deal with it at the time.

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