AIBU to expect my 10 year old to be able to..

[PennyHoffsteader]

Pack his own overnight bag with things he needs for an overnight stay at his grandparents?!

He didn't...btw. And I got it in the ear for not checking!! I'd spent all morning cleaning his sister's bedroom (twin girls age 9 in Jan) cause it was a pig sty after Christmas 🙄

To add a bit more context, DS is on the ASD spectrum. Asperger's. He will spend all day every day playing computer games or watching YouTube videos if not monitored. (Thank God for remote access to be able to switch things off when they refuse to get off things!)

Am I BU?!

Why would you expect a child with autism to do what most neurotypical 10 year olds couldn't do without guidance?

My ASD 10yr old couldn't do that.
When he went away with school, he took packing cubes. Each cube had a label on it like his underwear cube had written:
5 pairs of thin socks
5 pairs of thick socks
10 pairs of pants

Then he just needed to put them in, shove the cube in the big bag, and then get the next cube to fill. Very systematic and logical, breaking one big task into many tiny tasks that did not require long periods of concentration. Avoided a big overwhelming list. I supervised because it's all new. It also meant he could find everything while away and when repacking before coming home he knew he hadn't lost anything. Everyone should have packing cubes!

I don't pack my kids bags for them but I do have a list and they have to get things from the list and pack them then tick them off. That way I know they've got everything and if they don't they only have themselves to blame.

Mix of NT and ASD kids here. They've been in scouting since 6 so have been trained to pack their own bags from a young age (the leaders ask they do it themselves so they know where to find their stuff. Although they never seem to find their wash stuff while away.)

My 9yo writes her list, which I usually check and make suggestions for anything missing. She then packs and ticks off as she goes - just as I do when I pack (though I have fab packing checklist pad from Tiger).

My 8yr old will pack his own bag for a short trip to his GPs but I will say to him, you need 2/3 pairs of pants, socks etc and if he hasnt got them then he puts them in the bag then. I dont always double check the bag but the GPs live in the country and generally just spend time on the farm so there is no need to look smart etc!

My Grandson always packed his own bag, which is why I kept toothbrush and paste and pyjamas here, and usually made a trip to a charity shop to buy clothes...he couldn't really wear Lego....

YANBU to get him to pack his own bag. YABVU to make no attempt to check he's done it properly. I certainly would with my NT 11yo.

YABU to expect him to just know how/what to pack in a bag if he has been given no guidance and has never done it before.

It's like saying "swim" before shoving your kid into the deep end of the pool and being surprised when they sink to the bottom, because they've watched other people swim and been paddling before.

Even now at 30 I write a list before I go anywhere to make sure I havent forgotten anything. Whenever DD and I go anywhere we write a list together of things she'll need and the quantities but I leave the specifics and packing to her. So for example if we go away for a week I'll specify she needs 7x pants and socks, 7x tops, 4x bottoms etc but leave it up to her what tops/bottoms she packed and ensuring she packs the right amount. It also helps when we are away because I put the list in a pocket of her suitcase so that when we are coming home she can check everything back into her case and make sure nothing gets left behind too.

Laminated lists are the way forward. Especially when he goes to secondary school and will need different books, PE kit, homework etc each day

My 10yo DS also has ASD. I can’t reliably leave him to do it alone, but I do expect him to contribute in the process. So I might ask him to bring me all the clothes he thinks he needs, then all the toiletries he thinks he needs, then anything else he wants to take. It’s unrealistic of me to expect him to be able to do it alone atm, but I would like to think that the learning process I am doing with him now will mean that in time he will be able to do so.

Only you know your son, and how is ASD affects him personally. You may need to adapt and show him for a while but hopefully it is something he should be able to learn to do. Even if he has written down a list with you and then is following the list.

I left my 12 year old to pack her bag for a family canal trip. Stupid me.
We got there and she'd packed no pyjamas, no pants, no trousers but she had packed her flute.
She's 17 now and hates this story but it makes me realise how different our children are, and I have one on the autistic spectrum too. She isn't that one!

My 10 year old Dt sometimes stay at grandparents ds will need me to ask have you remembered your toothbrush etc dd has no problems with remembering everything she needs and gets cross if I check. They both just have developed different life skills. But are being taught the ones they lack.

My ds (11) is also autistic and his executive functioning isn't great! Your description of your ds gaming and on YouTube sounds very familiar! My ds needs to be guided and reminded and if he is given a list or given instructions one step at a time he can do it, otherwise he finds it hard to remember what should be included.

At 10 or 11 I wouldn’t expect a NT child to pack for themselves.

For my children, the oldest is ASD, I break it down so ask them for however many daytime outfits then nighttime stuff, bathroom stuff etc. They bring it to my bedroom and we pack in sections (stacks of complete day or night sets), they enjoy it and hopefully it gives them a structure to try and become more independent eventually!

With a child with ASD YABU

Give him a list - 2 pairs pants, 2 pairs socks, 2 teeshirts, toothbrush, toothpaste etc.

I’d 100% check. I run a list through with my husband when he goes away.

At 10 or 11 I wouldn’t expect a NT child to pack for themselves

What! Why not?

My oldest are 9 and 11 and they’re both more than capable of chucking a clean set of clothes and toothbrush in a bag

At 11 they’re in Secondary school. They’ll never learn to do anything alone if you keep babying them over such small things.