AIBU to expect my 10 year old to be able to..

[PennyHoffsteader]

Pack his own overnight bag with things he needs for an overnight stay at his grandparents?!

He didn't...btw. And I got it in the ear for not checking!! I'd spent all morning cleaning his sister's bedroom (twin girls age 9 in Jan) cause it was a pig sty after Christmas 🙄

To add a bit more context, DS is on the ASD spectrum. Asperger's. He will spend all day every day playing computer games or watching YouTube videos if not monitored. (Thank God for remote access to be able to switch things off when they refuse to get off things!)

Am I BU?!

I just make my (teen) daughters a list, stick it on the airing cupboard door and they do the finding and sorting stuff and packing themselves.

My ASD 12 year old daughter would no way be able to pack adequately. It would be foolhardy to assume she could.

I've had an argument with my 11 year old about the same thing tonight - she was grumbling that I pack my 7 year olds til I told her he's loads younger and isn't so capable as her - she liked this! She's upstairs now packing

In hindsight, I probably should have checked.

There was one point when I was stood with the front door open waiting for him to come downstairs, When I shouted up "come on DD!" And he came down and stepped right over the bag he had been given to pack (which in the end only had his switch in it 🙄)

I need to start making lists for him. That's what I'll do next time.

He has ASD, how are his organisational skills? If his executive functions aren't age-appeopriate then expecting him to pack a bag is a big ask. It's not as simple as "pack a bag", it's knowing how to do all of the little tasks that add up to the end result.

My DS is also 10yo and is autistic, he wouldn't know where to start if I gave him "pack a bag" as an instruction. When I him to do things like this I either give him one task at a time or a list of what needs to be done so it's broken down into "get a pair of pyjamas", "get underwear", "get jeans and a top for tomorrow", "get toothbrush", "put everything in your backpack" and even then I'd check it before he left.

YABU. As he has asd he may not have the processing ability to do this independently and you will in that case have to scaffold him.

‘Pack your bag’ is too general an instruction for a child with a processing disorder. It’s an instruction with multiple steps. ‘Put your pants in your bag’ is a good starting point, followed by ‘put your socks in your bag’ etc.
Visual timetables, written lists of instructions etc will be helpful to him in developing this independence.

wouldn't most 10 year olds, esp boys, stay on screens/ games all day if not pulled away.
as for packing, guess the ASD could make a difference, I wouldn't know how, but could you suggest he start compiling a list a few days prior.
don't do it for him, but maybe look over it, and in a conversational way, chat about how your list would be different. it's up to him to decide what he wants to take.
I was packing totally alone every sunday evening from age 11 to go to school. I think most pupils were the same.
how do you ever learn if everything is done for you, and there are no consequences for mistakes. so many children now live as though they have a whole team of staff waiting upon their every whim/need, day and night, like some kind of celebrity.

My ASD 10yo can make piles of stuff to pack and then I check them before we put them in the bag, he can do that while I call things out to him.

It’s a tough one. If you’d asked him to do it and he hadn’t at least tried to do it, I wouldn’t put up with being told off for not putting it in!

how do you ever learn if everything is done for you, and there are no consequences for mistakes. so many children now live as though they have a whole team of staff waiting upon their every whim/need, day and night, like some kind of celebrity.

The child has a developmental condition know to affect processing abilities, it's not as simple as leaving him to do it himself and then living with the consequences of getting it wrong. Children with autism spectrum disorders need additional support with tasks such as this. DS can pack a bag independently now but still needs a list to help him get the right things into it.

My NT ds, age 11 can pack his own bag but I still check it before he leaves. He invariably forgets toothpaste, face flannel, and charger for his tablet.

At 10 I'd probably help him back a bag.

When DD 9 has to pack a bag I get her to tell me what she thinks should go in it then get her to pack it (then check surreptitiously) to get her used to planning and organising herself. She couldn’t do it if I just said pack a bag and she doesn’t have ASD as an extra hindrance.

If he hasn’t been guided to increasing independence in this sort of thing over the last few years then no, he wouldn’t suddenly know how.

Most adults have gone away forgetting something vital. I’ve forgotten wellies and pillow on the same camping trip and sanitary towels when going somewhere with no shops, and I’m generally quite an organised person about this sort of thing!

I know quite a lot of 10 year old girls from Brownies and Guides, some are better at this stuff than their scatty parents are, others would forget everything except the clothes they were stood in and sweets!

Lists are the way to go, and practice. Do it with him first, then get him to do it and then have you check it.

And relax, it’s not the end of the world, he’s going to his dads, who presumably will ensure he doesn’t starve, freeze or stink. Anything he forgets he can do without, borrow from dad/siblings if he has them or things like underwear can be bought while he’s there if necessary.

I would provide a list for him each time he needs to pack a bag, send him off to do it, show him that he needs to tick each thing off after he packs it, then check it once it's done. Then I would build up towards him writing the list. He's quite young though to do it on his own unless you have trained him up to it.

Why not give him a list but let him pack against it? That would be a halfway house. I can’t pack without lists as a grown up. It’s a fair bit to remember for a 10 year old to have everything in appropriate quantities.

It really is dependent on the child.
It is important to consider that your son probably has the executive age of a much younger child, probably younger than your twin dds asuming they are NT.
My 15 year old dd (adhd and on the asd pathway) would not be able to pack her own bag reliably without much prompting and several meltdowns.
My 7 year old dd could manage easily with a few prompts and a final check from me.

No, it's fine to adsk him to pack it himself, but personally I'd check everything was in there if it was important.

@PennyHoffsteader how has packing happened before now? Has he been in the room with you? Have you packed together? Have you asked him for input to add what he wants/needs?

If yes,then I can see why you expected him to manage and lists will definitely help in the future and he'll eventually have to make his own.

If you haven't,then even without ASD, quite a few children would struggle to do it right or feel overwhelmed at the prospect and just give up.

Who are you ‘getting it in the neck from’? If its another adult who was also at home, then why couldnt they help too,

My ancient - but compos mentis - DH regularly forgets things.
He scoffs at my list, but it works.

Get him to make his own list & tick things off (under your supervision).

Thinking about it, maybe I should do that with DH.

I would have checked he had everything he needed and he would not have had everything he needed. He would probably just have had a book and some Lego.

YANBU

We had this last night with 10 year old ds packing his stuff to go to gps for the night. I’d also easy sorted his pjs, slippers pants etc. Then asked him to go and put his Xbox in a bag. He came down after 5 minutes ‘I can’t do it’ ‘It doesn’t fit in a bag’ ‘How should I know how to do it’

So then I asked his 6 year old brother who has autism to go and do it. Which he did with no problem.

Ds who is 10 just can not do tasks. He still can’t do his shoelaces! It’s like if he has to use his brain to do something he doesn’t even try. It drives me potty. I do ask him to do chores around the house, put a wash on, hoover up, keep his bedroom tidy etc. But beyond that he lives in a daydream.