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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell DP to stop asking me where things are

75 replies

AngryFaceToday · 30/12/2019 16:40

Just that really. It annoys me so much. He doesnt look for anything, just asks me if i know where it is without him even looking!

Earlier on he waited until he was just about to go out the door to ask me if i knew where the pram clip was. He knew he needed it and knew it wasnt on the pram but waited till he was just about to leave to ask me if i knew where it was! Then after 2 minutes of looking for it said he wasnt going to look for it because he would get stressed out. But expects me to look for it

Hes been to the shop and took off his hat when he came in. Been in the house maybe 20 minutes & due to go back out soon. Im rooting in a clean laundry pile looking for DD's hat when he asked me if id seen where he put his hat

He went upstairs and when he came back down i told him he needed to stop asking me and start looking himself, i told him it annoyed me everytime he asked, we had a bit of a row and he said that whats the point of him getting stressed looking for things when he can just ask me

I said i get stressed when you ask me instead of looking and he started going on about looking for an hour for things when he can just ask me

Its rude that isnt it. Neither of us are massively organised but why is it on me to know where every single item is. Why cant he just look

It happens that much im at boiling point with it, it may sound petty to some but it aggrivates me so much.

Ive told him before it annoys me and i dont like it and he still does it

What can i do so he stops asking me? Im sat here absolutely fuming that hes gone out in a bad mood because ive told him i want him to stop asking me where things are and look hinself im not being unreasonable am i?

OP posts:
OceanSunFish · 30/12/2019 16:41

He's behaving like he is a child and you're his mum. Not attractive in a grown man!

Cloudyapples · 30/12/2019 16:42

Buy him a basket and put it by the front door - tell him whenever he puts something down it can go in the basket that way he will always know where he put it. It’s ridiculous for him to expect you to know where he left something.

TheReef · 30/12/2019 16:43

Next time he asks just say 'i don't know' rinse and repeat. If he says it cant find it, 'I'm stressed out' a simple 'sorry I don't know where it is' he's never going to bother getting organised if you keep picking up after him. You'd not expect it off your dc, so why do it for your dh.

DonPablo · 30/12/2019 16:46

Yep, like pp said. I don't know where it is. Hmm, haven't seen it. Ooh, not sure.

And repeat l, repeat, repeat!

Frenchw1fe · 30/12/2019 16:48

'No idea.'
Walk out of the room.

NearlyGranny · 30/12/2019 16:48

I've had this from DH. It was maddening, like being made responsible for his ever possession. I needed to let it go.

Whenever he asks me where something is now, I just say I have no idea. If he asks whether I know where something is, I just say no. If he asks me to look for something, I just say I'm busy doing something else, even if that's reading a book or having a cup of tea.

I realised I was not his substitute eyes, hands and feet and began to behave sensibly about it. Everything gets said without huffing or annoyance in a calm, emotionless voice.

It's enormously freeing!

MikeUniformMike · 30/12/2019 16:50

Tell him it will be where he put it.

NearlyGranny · 30/12/2019 16:50

You can't make him stop asking but you can change how you respond!

MumW · 30/12/2019 16:52

Can you just say "No idea" and repeat?

Lllot5 · 30/12/2019 16:53

Just say you don’t know and repeat as often as necessary.

Northernsoullover · 30/12/2019 16:55

My friend in university does this. We both have timetables. I know where we are going but she has access to the same info. She kept asking which room are we in next? (Look at your fucking timetable) After 12 weeks it got quite wearing so I told her deliberately the wrong room. It made us both late but I didn't care.

CuckooCuckooClock · 30/12/2019 16:55

My dh is the same. He manages perfectly well at work and in fact complains that he has to find things for his team all the time.
I don’t find it too annoying because I like to take the piss out of him for it and that gives me pleasure. Healthy.

Emma198 · 30/12/2019 16:57

Mine does this. He'll ask me automatically even when it's right in front of his face. I just say 'dunno' even when i know fine well.

Original poster
AngryFaceToday · 30/12/2019 16:57

Thank you for the replies, ive calmed down a bit now reading that im not being unreasonable

A basket might be a good idea but that would only help with his personal things. He does it with a lot of things. Last night for example, instead of looking in the kitchen cuboards for the cat litter he just asked me where it was without even looking. We have TWO cuboards under our kitchen counter ( tiny tiny kitchen ) and instead of opening the doors he asked me, it sounds so petty doesnt it but it just winds me up so much. Would of took him 10 seconds to open the doors and have a peak.

I am going to take the advise and just start saying i dont know to him, i wonder how he will take to it

OP posts:
PleaseGiveMeAShake · 30/12/2019 16:58

Are you married to my dh? 😂
You have literally just described him and it drives me potty too.
He came home from work last week with new trousers sat the receipt on the couch instead of just leaving it in the bag like anyone else would and forgot about it.
The trousers don't fit and the next day he is moaning as I haven't found the receipt for them so how is he able to take them back.

When he asks where something is I now just say

"Who had it last?".dh:"me" ...me:" So how would I know know where it is?" And then go back to what I am doing.

He doenst get how disrespectful I find it. Their time is too precious to waste searching and their stress levels are too important to upset. But it's fine for us to be stressed out and our time messed around with.

Grasspigeons · 30/12/2019 16:58

It is annoying. But, just in case this is relevant, i realised that i made more of the decisions about where things should go eg which drawer or cupboard and do far more of the putting away so i accept that i am more likely to have a good idea where things are. This does not apply to many things though.

Dutch1e · 30/12/2019 17:00

I'm easing out of this with my 8 yr old for everyday items, he's really getting a bit old to not remember/organise his own stuff.

So no, YANBU expecting an adult to either have a good memory for where they put things down or arrange a system for easy finding.

SeaViewBliss · 30/12/2019 17:01

My DH does this but only when he’s standing in front of the fridge with the door open. ‘Where’s the butter/ham/mayo?’

I have started saying ‘right in front of you’ because that’s technically correct!

FrenchBoule · 30/12/2019 17:01

My friend started answering to her DH “have you checked my vagina”.

YANBU,OP

“What’s the point in him getting stressed looking for it when he can ask you”. So it’s ok to upset/annoy/distract you but not him?

I started answering back to my DH/DS “it is where you left it” and also had a word with DH pointing out that I don’t ask him for help locating my stuff so could he stop doing it to me. It worked.

Original poster
AngryFaceToday · 30/12/2019 17:03

*He doenst get how disrespectful I find it. Their time is too precious to waste searching and their stress levels are too important to upset. But it's fine for us to be stressed out and our time messed around

You have hit the nail on the head there PleaseGiveMeAShake

OP posts:
SpoonAndString · 30/12/2019 17:03

Mine asks me what time it is when he’s wearing his watch Angry

Coquohvan · 30/12/2019 17:04

My adult children done this, mum where is xyz

I said to them, turn round, nope not their. Bemused faces what was I saying. Explained that when they turned round it wasn’t at their arse.
Never asked me again. -)

FrenchBoule · 30/12/2019 17:05

@SeaViewBliss I had exactly the same conversation with DH many moons ago.
I answered “in the washing machine” which made him realise how stupid his question was.
I also made him aware that he was fully capable to find basic food items in the fridge/cupboards and feed himself and the kids

billydilly · 30/12/2019 17:08

Dh and my Ds do this (not my daughters, oddly enough). I just mechanically say 'The uterus is not a tracking device'.

Witcher · 30/12/2019 17:09

My dh couldnt find his own elbow most days, never mind his hat or keys 🤣🤣 I can however find it in about 30 seconds because he uses the same 4 spots EVERY TIME!