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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell DP to stop asking me where things are

75 replies

AngryFaceToday · 30/12/2019 16:40

Just that really. It annoys me so much. He doesnt look for anything, just asks me if i know where it is without him even looking!

Earlier on he waited until he was just about to go out the door to ask me if i knew where the pram clip was. He knew he needed it and knew it wasnt on the pram but waited till he was just about to leave to ask me if i knew where it was! Then after 2 minutes of looking for it said he wasnt going to look for it because he would get stressed out. But expects me to look for it

Hes been to the shop and took off his hat when he came in. Been in the house maybe 20 minutes & due to go back out soon. Im rooting in a clean laundry pile looking for DD's hat when he asked me if id seen where he put his hat

He went upstairs and when he came back down i told him he needed to stop asking me and start looking himself, i told him it annoyed me everytime he asked, we had a bit of a row and he said that whats the point of him getting stressed looking for things when he can just ask me

I said i get stressed when you ask me instead of looking and he started going on about looking for an hour for things when he can just ask me

Its rude that isnt it. Neither of us are massively organised but why is it on me to know where every single item is. Why cant he just look

It happens that much im at boiling point with it, it may sound petty to some but it aggrivates me so much.

Ive told him before it annoys me and i dont like it and he still does it

What can i do so he stops asking me? Im sat here absolutely fuming that hes gone out in a bad mood because ive told him i want him to stop asking me where things are and look hinself im not being unreasonable am i?

OP posts:
BlindAssassin1 · 30/12/2019 17:10

He sees you as the Keeper Of All Crap in the house. I wonder if you're the Head of Household Admin and Buyer of All Family Gifts as well, having to prompt him to renew his car insurance and buy his mother a birthday card. I've been nominated as at least two of these and its annoying AF.

You've told him to stop doing it but he doesn't give a shit; send him in the wrong direction, or sweetly and dumbly tell him, "Ohh I don't know," perhaps stress him out next time you can't find your car keys.

stayathomegardener · 30/12/2019 17:10

I always reply to DH's where's...?
Where do you think?
Drives me bonkers.

Thorn90 · 30/12/2019 17:12

You're definitely right to be annoyed, though I would say that it may be worth the both of you getting a bit more organised going forward. It sounds a bit of an odd set up not knowing where things are in your own home

Spitsandspots · 30/12/2019 17:15

“If you put things back in their place you wouldn’t lose them all the time”

I’ve been repeating the same line for over 2 decades yet DH still can’t put his keys on the hook or his wallet in the same place twice Angry

TheLittleBrownFox · 30/12/2019 17:15

I swear it's that men have been socialized to be rubbish and women have been socialised to compensate for them.

Well fuck that shit. I'd make sure it was more stressful to ask me to just look.

Heismyopendoor · 30/12/2019 17:15

When he asks, you just say no you do t know where it is and continue with what you are doing. Don’t look for it.

BaolFan · 30/12/2019 17:16

I can be quite passive aggressive when I want, so I'd be tempted to go on the offensive with this.

have you seen my sex drive anywhere? I can't find it and I don't know where it is. Perhaps it fucked off when it realised that I have to mummy you all day by running round finding things for you?

FirmlyRooted · 30/12/2019 17:17

My husband does this, drives me totally crazy! Once I was on another continent and we were talking on the phone and he asked me if we had any ketchup. Well, hang on let me use my magic abilities to check, I dont bloody know do I as I'm on the other side of the world!! How about you, who's actually within a few metres of the kitchen, have a look?!?

El2El · 30/12/2019 17:18

DH was the same. I stopped telling him and he's now stopped asking. Lo he CAN find things all by himself.

AllYouGoodGoodPeople · 30/12/2019 17:21

Repeat one of the following phrases-

  • my fallopian tubes are not divining rods
  • my uterus is not a homing device
  • did your eyes fall out/head drop off
  • it's where you left it not me
TeaForTara · 30/12/2019 17:26

He is telling you that his time is important and yours isn't. Don't put up with that!

I'd only look for something if it was you who had it last - I mean, if you've put the pram clip somewhere and he doesn't know where, then it's reasonable to expect you to tell him where, or go find it for him. Ditto the hat, if you moved it since he put it down, it's reasonable to tell him where you put it. But if he put it down and no one else has moved it since, then the answer to "Where is my hat?" is "Where you left it."

Stop enabling his laziness. You've told him it annoys you and he clearly doesn't care. He doesn't mind that you are upset and stressed as long as he isn't. So stop sorting things out for him; it's the only thing that will work. If he gets in a strop about it, confront him directly - "So you're saying that your time is more important than mine? Why is that?" "So you're saying that it's OK for me to get stressed but not OK for you? Why exactly do you think that? That's really not right, is it?"

Sh0na · 30/12/2019 17:28

That would be so annoying! YANBU

CanIHaveADrink · 30/12/2019 17:29

I just say ‘I don’t know’ or ‘I don’t know more than you’ and then carry in with whatever I am doing.

Same with ‘what do you think I should do with x?’

LakieLady · 30/12/2019 17:29

Not only does my DP not know where anything is, he doesn't know where anything goes, either. On the rare occasions that he empties the diswasher, it takes a week for all the misplaced items to come to light and be relocated to their proper home.

He's always asking if where the pens are. There's a pot on the kitchen window sill that holds so many pens we could open a fucking stationers. How can he not know where they are? They've been there for 8 years, ffs!

TheBeesKnee · 30/12/2019 17:32

I am very good at finding things because I am logical and seen to take stock of things in the house unconsciously. So someone will ask where that small green thing with the stuff was?? And I'll suddenly remember that I last saw a small green thing under a pile of clothes in the spare bedroom and suggest they look there. And there it will be.

Unfortunately this means that I am inundated with questions which is very annoying. So I've started saying things like
"oh I don't know"
"ermmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm"
"the blue thing? Oh no the green thing? What? I've never seen that in the house. What do you mean I bought it for you?" 🤨

And just generally playing dumb, even if I know exactly where something is. DP is currently annoyed at me because he came in the our bedroom, picked up his work ID and walked out. Came back in 5 minutes later to ask if I'd seen his ID. I said no. He goes "oh it's behind you!! Why didn't you say?!" I asked why he didn't bother looking around the room before asking me. So he's in a huff. I didn't even bother raising that he left the room with the ID and it somehow managed to get back without me noticing.

CatInTheDaytime · 30/12/2019 17:35

YANBU.

whats the point of him getting stressed looking for things when he can just ask me

This just says it all. Your H and so many men like him just assume women are their to mother them and do loads of annoying little crappy things and take on all the mental load for them so they don't have to bother their lazy hole.

Can you tell I'm separated from a man like this? :o Just one of a hundred reasons why he had to go but I do understand how it makes you really, really angry even though it might seem minor. It's not minor, it's disrespectful and showing you that to him your time and energy matter less than his. And even more annoying men like this generally haven't thought this through and don't see why it's not OK, so when you say you don't like it, you're being petty and unreasonable.

I like Baolfan's response!

GetOffTheTableMabel · 30/12/2019 17:45

I used to get this from the whole family and now always say “hmmm. I don’t know. Where have you looked so far?” which forces them to face the fact that they haven’t bothered to look at all and are trying to use my brain instead of their own. I am happy to help look for things that are actually misplaced. I am not doing your thinking for you.

RebelWithVerySharpClaws · 30/12/2019 17:51

This is sexist crap. You are not his mummy. I would be very jolly and say I have no fucking idea, Mr Potato Head, Have you put your eyes in?

schnubbins · 30/12/2019 17:59

My husband is like this as is one of my two sons.The other has ADHD and has learned to organise himself.Although it is annoying I always have to remind myself that even though i can find absolutely everything in the house I absolutely have no sense of direction .My husband is amazing .He can find his way blindfolded even in places that we have never ever been to.Me, I have no clue .So although it is annoying I try not to get too mad with him when he cannot find things as he has endless patience with me wandering around like a lost soul in strange places.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 30/12/2019 18:02

My DH not only asks but then claims he cannot find it when it is literally smacking him in the face like a porn star's knob

I often just say 'l don't know' and leave him huffing and puffing

2020willbebetter · 30/12/2019 19:01

I have this issue too. If I'm asked I've always helped look. If I ask if he has seen something I get "no, sorry" but no one helps me look. Think changing this pattern could be my resolution!

AnneElliott · 30/12/2019 19:01

Mine is the same as well. I answer everything with 'I don't know'.

I also get asked when DS goes back to school or when the bibs are picked up. I now respond with 'have you checked the calendar or the info on the fridge?' Really annoys me as it's all there in front of him!

Umberta · 30/12/2019 19:08

Yanbu of course, Op, but in defence of men I think I'm just like your DH 😂 and my poor DH just puts up with it. DH! Where are the scissors! (Dh puts down his newspaper resignedly), don't worry you sit down I'll find it... so you see it's not just men who are useless 😂 sometimes I need to find something important like my birth certificate and I give him several days' notice to find it for me Grin

JassyRadlett · 30/12/2019 19:17

My standard response is ‘where have you looked?’

He is too sheepish to answer ‘nowhere’ and generally buggers off and finds object in two minutes.

TigsytheTiger · 30/12/2019 19:32

My exDP was the same! Final straw was arriving on holiday at a destination/airport neither of us had been to before, we go through passport control and he looked at me expectantly and asked me where the toilets are! How the fuck would I know? Use your own eyes and look for the signs. To me it's just pure laziness!