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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to tell DP to stop asking me where things are

75 replies

AngryFaceToday · 30/12/2019 16:40

Just that really. It annoys me so much. He doesnt look for anything, just asks me if i know where it is without him even looking!

Earlier on he waited until he was just about to go out the door to ask me if i knew where the pram clip was. He knew he needed it and knew it wasnt on the pram but waited till he was just about to leave to ask me if i knew where it was! Then after 2 minutes of looking for it said he wasnt going to look for it because he would get stressed out. But expects me to look for it

Hes been to the shop and took off his hat when he came in. Been in the house maybe 20 minutes & due to go back out soon. Im rooting in a clean laundry pile looking for DD's hat when he asked me if id seen where he put his hat

He went upstairs and when he came back down i told him he needed to stop asking me and start looking himself, i told him it annoyed me everytime he asked, we had a bit of a row and he said that whats the point of him getting stressed looking for things when he can just ask me

I said i get stressed when you ask me instead of looking and he started going on about looking for an hour for things when he can just ask me

Its rude that isnt it. Neither of us are massively organised but why is it on me to know where every single item is. Why cant he just look

It happens that much im at boiling point with it, it may sound petty to some but it aggrivates me so much.

Ive told him before it annoys me and i dont like it and he still does it

What can i do so he stops asking me? Im sat here absolutely fuming that hes gone out in a bad mood because ive told him i want him to stop asking me where things are and look hinself im not being unreasonable am i?

OP posts:

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 30/12/2019 19:33

I have a DH and 2DS. My stock phrase is

“Don’t outsource your thinking to me”.

I then walk away.

Frlrlrubert · 30/12/2019 19:37

DH doesn't do this,

When my students ask me for equipment they should have I look over my shoulder and say 'oh, I thought your parent must be here, I'm not responsible for you having a pen'.

(I actually have a whole drawer of spare stuff that has been left behind, but I'll only lend them one of my pens if they've already asked to check there with no luck)

pugparty · 30/12/2019 19:52

My stock answer to those kinds of questions, where the other person is just being a lazy arse and trying to use my time and brain space, is just "I don't know" and to ignore and disengage. Don't let yourself get stressed out with it.

FinallyHere · 30/12/2019 20:32

going on about looking for an hour for things when he can just ask me

So make sure asking you is not an easy solution. As soon as DB would ask me, I used to drop what I was doing and find whatever it was. Then tell him how I worked it out, thinking that he would use my method next time.

Didn't happen. He just picked up on the idea that I was some sort of universal finding service. It meant that even when he thought he was looking he was really thinking Finally is much better at finding things so it would be much better if she was looking. I'll never find it ....

Now I am smarter than that. If it is also time critical for me I will ask him whether he has looked 'wherever they usually are'.

Imagine someone did this at work. I'd probably say sorry not seen it.... but why would they ask me. Usually, I start by just ignoring, let him work it out for himself. If he asks me I will not have heard what he said and will ask him to repeat it. Then I will reflect back to him 'you are looking for ...'. Sometimes that's enough, other times needs to be repeated a few times.

So long ask you don't crack, he gets there eventually.

Having RTFT, I think I don't know is probably better but this totally wins

My friend started answering to her DH “have you checked my vagina”.

*i don't

Umberta · 30/12/2019 20:35

Just so glad my DH doesn't say any of these aggressive things when I ask him where I've left my keys for the millionth time! I totally agree with the pp who had practical advice about a basket. Some people seem to treat their husband as an enemy...? Don't wait till it's driven you up the wall before you mention it!

Umberta · 30/12/2019 20:36

True you wouldn't do this at work but your husband/wife is not your colleague...! Theres so many things I do with my husband that I wouldn't do at work

IdiotInDisguise · 30/12/2019 20:38

The answer to his questions should be “wherever you left it, I have not touched it”, and keep doing what you were doing.

Frouby · 30/12/2019 20:43

I do one of 2 things.

Everything in our house has a logical place to live. Hats hung on the coat pegs or hat box thing. Keys on key hooks. Phones on charge. Dog lead on dog lead hook. Poo bags in junk drawer. Etc etc etc.

First time I am asked I say 'if I have moved it, its hung up/in the box/in the drawer'. If it's not there, I haven't moved it so I dont know where it is.

The second time I am asked is a stupid question because I have already told him where it would be if I knew where it was. So he gets a stupid answer. 'Love, my hat not hung up or in the box, where else shall I look'.

'Have you tried the fridge? Or paperwork file?'

He mutters about stupid answers but finds it eventually. Usually in a stupid place because everything has a right place and putting it anywhere else is stupid .

Pop2017 · 30/12/2019 20:45

My partner doesn’t really look for anything. When he is looking for something he can look right at something and still not see it. The kids are the same. Drives me mad that I’m the only person who knows where things are!

Crazypanda85 · 30/12/2019 20:48

Just say you don't know where it is, every.single.time, even if you think you do know where it is.

He'll get it eventually.

Scarlettpixie · 30/12/2019 20:49

If he asks you and you know, well it makes sense for him to ask.

If he asks and you don’t know, he should look himself and not expect you to look for him.

Scarydinosaurs · 30/12/2019 20:50

Just never look for his stuff. Then he’ll stop asking. People are dicks.

ConnorRipley · 30/12/2019 20:52

I used to get this question and I would reply ‘how is it my problem if you’ve lost something of yours?’

Like a PP, I call it ‘outsourcing thinking’ too. MIL tries it with me sometimes and I always shut it down. Adults are responsible for their own shit.

minesagin37 · 30/12/2019 20:57

I feel your pain. My husband of 20 years has done this every day since we married. He has only just accepted that when he sits down and says 'have you seen my glasses' that what he is really saying is 'I've just sat down will you find them for me' . I suspect his mother just ran around fetching things despite the fact she denies it.

CactusSmactus · 30/12/2019 21:07

This drives me up the fucking wall. Also him and the kids seem to think I’ve got a complete inventory of the kitchen contents in my brain aswell, it doesn’t seem to matter how many times o tell them I don’t know they will, without fail continue to ask me before having a fucking look for themselves 🤬🤬🤬

Orangepancakes · 30/12/2019 21:16

"No idea" every time. Even when I know where it is. He does it a lot less now. Sometimes I'll do the same and ask him, it's funny how irritated he looks!

When his dad asks his mum, she runs like a good wife to find whatever it is. I wonder where he got it from..

BobbinThreadbare123 · 30/12/2019 21:55

I did the 'helping' with XH and then read something about just not having to reply when a comment was stupid. So I just stopped answering. I now employ this technique with DH and one of my siblings (also works on the chaps at work).

Beansprout30 · 30/12/2019 22:08

This is my DH every day, drives me insane along with his selective hearing and having to repeat myself all the time, plus his OCD. We argue so much because he just never thinks, my neighbours must think I’m a right cow bag when I go off on one but he drives me bonkers

CanIHaveADrink · 31/12/2019 08:32

@Umberta, I think the issue is the following

if you always loose your keys but just your keys, then some advice about a basket sounds great. Even though if YOU loose your keys all the time, I would have expected YOU to try and find a solution tbh rather than wait for someone else to offer a solution

if you constantly ‘loose’ things and never make the effort to look for them, then the issue is different. It’s not about not being organised. It’s about not wanting to make the effort and relying on someone else to make the effort. Very different issue and shouod be treated differently imo.

if you are disorganised at home and can never find things because they end up in weird places all the time but somehow never have that issue at work, then again, something else is at play. Clearly, you can be organised and can find ways to not loose stuff but have decided not to make the effort at home. Why??

I’m sure there are many other situations but I’m sure you get the gist. ‘Helping’ your learner isn’t always the right way to deal with things. Actually it can often open the door wide open to be taken for a mug (being there and down that btw...)

Equanimitas · 31/12/2019 08:49

It's not just a matter of not bothering to look for things, it's also not bothering to remember where things are if they are always in the same place. If DH does this, I tend to say "Have you looked in the cupboard where we always keep it?"

AllInTheBestPossibleTaste · 31/12/2019 08:56

Mine does this....until I stoped telling him. He also use to ask if the stuff in the dishwasher is clean when he's stood next to the bloody thing and I'm in the other room!!!! Open it and look fgs

k1233 · 31/12/2019 08:59

I'm lazy. Everything has it's place and is put in it's place. People who can't find things drive me batty. People who can't find things in their ridiculous oversize handbags (mum!) drive me even battier.

Umberta · 31/12/2019 09:12

@CanIHaveADrink yes I see what you mean, and in some ways it can seem selfish, but I guess doesn't everyone have some idiosyncrasies? My DH definitely doesn't mind (in fact I've been reading out most of this thread to him and we've been laughing about it, "have you seen my pencil case?" -"have you seen my SANITY?!" Hahaha he would literally never react like that) because the point is, he's pretty idiosyncratic about other stuff. For example, he often only responds to questions in monosyllables so sometimes even his mum will have to ask me how he feels about something. I find it irritating sometimes but in general we don't mind because we love each other and it's what makes us us so it's kind of adorable. (And before you ask, we've been together 9 years so it's not a honeymoon period!) I reckon relationships get on much better if there's a bit of give and take and you love someone's flaws instead of battling against them. (Obviously not if someone is actually abusive, but "where's the pram clip again" is hardly that!!)

Umberta · 31/12/2019 09:19

Do you know where I left my hairbrush? - Do you know where I left my HOPES AND DREAMS?! 😂 (I think PG insomnia has turned me a bit loopy but I have just chuckled so much at this thread)

Notajogger · 31/12/2019 09:21

Mine does this. Drives me bonkers.

If I see him using something then just putting it down somewhere stupid random, I suggest he puts it back where it goes - partly as the place is generally a mess as he doesn't do so, and partly so he can find it when he next wants it.

Whenever I suggest that (how hard is it to put scissors back in the drawer, for example) he says he'll "do it soon" and is currently doing something else. Of course then he never actually does it. Then asks a couple of days later where it is.

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