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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not sure if I AIBU

75 replies

Dignity911 · 30/12/2019 14:47

We have hosted Christmas dinner for the last 12 years. My parents DH parents, Bil, SIL our 3 children and various other family members over the years. Some years it's been 15 people but never any less than 10.

We also do Boxing Day dinner, again not all the people are here but it is always at our house.
Bil and SIL do not have children. They have a nice big house but use their dining room for another purpose so cannot accommodate everyone. Bil also has a high powered job and thinks a lot of himself.

PIL do contribute financial towards food and drink but do absolutely nothing to help out practically (nothing from Bil and SIL) DH and I do all the shopping, preparation, cooking and clearing up. My DM does help out with this.

I'm absolutely shattered. All the lead up to Christmas is down to me. Presents, wrapping etc. I also have to juggle the funds and although we are ok financially it's a strain.

Oh and FIL and BIL are quite arrogant and FIL especially can be quite rude.

So my AIBU and please tell me if I am because I feel like I'm going mad!
DH wanted to host his family again today for a full in roast dinner as MIL birthday. We argued because to be honest I'm fed up with it. I'm tired and I feel like we are taken for granted. DH said he would do everything and it doesn't bother him. But to me that's not the point. I'm sick of hosting and waiting on people, especially as FIL and BIL take it for granted.

We have had a huge argument and DH is saying that I'm being unreasonable and rude to his family. Please can I have some thoughts, am I being a miserable cow or do you think I deserve a break?

OP posts:
mbosnz · 30/12/2019 14:51

You are definitely not being unreasonable. DH is unlikely to have also thought about shopping for it, prepping for it, then cooking it, plus even if he is, I have absolutely no doubt he'd be far too exhausted if he helped or even did the whole of that, to completely clear up afterwards.

Then there's making sure everyone has a drink, that no one drinks too much, that any inappropriate conversations are swiftly nipped in the bud and deflected to a more suitable direction, making small talk with all these people you've been running around after for far too long, doing it all over again, and you're fed to the back teeth of them, and you'd like, finally, to have some precious holiday time for yourself, on your own, in your house, without doing for and entertaining others who take it all as being their due, and do absolutely bloody nothing to help.

In fact, in short, they can fuck right off.

KnightandDay · 30/12/2019 14:52

Let her husband or other son/daughter host. You're right, it's not fair to expect you to do it again.

PsychosonicCindy · 30/12/2019 14:52

Flipping hell YANBU at all! You've done enough it's someone else's turn now surely.

BellyDancer124 · 30/12/2019 14:54

I feel sorry for you OP. You have done more than your bit. You are definitely not being unreasonableSad

TheMustressMhor · 30/12/2019 14:55

I bet DH hasn't thought this through at all. Even if you accept his offer to do everything I bet you'll end up doing loads of it yourself.

YANBU. He is.

mbosnz · 30/12/2019 14:55

Why the heck can't everyone just go to the pub? Oh, and pay for you and DH as a small token of their appreciation of all that you've done for everyone already.

Original poster
Dignity911 · 30/12/2019 15:01

Thank you!
He is really making me feel like I'm just out to cause an argument. When he says he doesn't mind he just doesn't see that it's a problem for me.

I'm just fed up with it. DH has family all over the Place and when they visit we host for them too! Always at our house. I feel like a slave.
mbosnz your post actually made me laugh.

He has stormed out and phoned me and said he will take the children over to their house later for a short while just to give presents ( that I bought and wrapped!) no mention of me going but I know if I don't I will be made to feel bad.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 30/12/2019 15:06

I'm glad it made you laugh, I'm absolutely boiling on your behalf. How incredibly selfish, and utterly blind to the huge effort you have been going to for his family, along with yours, FOR 12 YEARS, and it sounds like with absolutely bugger all in the way of acknowledgment or appreciation or understanding about how much work it entails for you. And then to have the temerity to ask you to do it a bloody third time in less than a week!

WHAT THE HELL?!

What you need is a good book, a nice big bubbly bath, some candles, and a little too much of what you fancy, with your adoring appreciative husband picking up a takeaway on his way back from performing the latest ritual family obeisance, so you don't have to lift a finger all bloody evening.

Hopoindown31 · 30/12/2019 15:06

Is he cooking the dinner and everything else. My DP is the Xmas dinner specialist and he is pretty clear about not doing it every year for the assembled masses.

Original poster
Dignity911 · 30/12/2019 15:26

He does a lot. But I help and obviously the hosting is draining. My parents stay over so I have to get the house ready and beds etc. My DM does help a lot but I still feel utterly exhausted.
I just feel like their is absolutely no recognition from his family for all the hard work.
He is making me feel like I am just causing trouble. There is so much I could add about fil and Bil behaviour.
He just doesn't get it and I feel like he puts them before me. I actually feel like leaving over this Sad

OP posts:
mbosnz · 30/12/2019 15:35

Well, I hope you don't attempt to appease him. Be righteously and coldly wrathful right back at him, if he attempts to bully you and emotionally blackmail you into feeling bad about not embarking on yet another fulltime round of skivvying for his family so he can play the big I am.

You might want to slip in there, that given this complete lack of fucking appreciation for all you do, and how much his family benefits from your hard work, doesn't lift a fucking finger, never actively appreciates what you do, you're seriously contemplating buggering off with the DC's to your parents next year, and they can go do one.

andyjusthangingaround · 30/12/2019 15:47

YANBU - stop being a saint and start growing a pair.
NO is a full sentence

Dacquoise · 30/12/2019 16:02

This has become a family tradition hasn't it. You provide the venue, do all the work and get taken for granted by your husband's family plus your husband from the sound of it. And BIL/SIL contribute nothing but their presence. They really must be special VIPs (Had this with my DB and SIL in the past)

From how you are feeling it needs to be addressed before you blow. Don't fester on your resentment, act!

Send a family WhatsApp stating you will not be doing Christmas next year as you have now retired from catering/hosting duties. Ask who's turn is it and book everyone in? They can hardly object after 12 years.

Perhaps some assertiveness training to start standing up to these people who are wiping their feet on you.

Original poster
Dignity911 · 30/12/2019 16:13

I did try and speak to him about it last night. I tried (in a nice way) to explain my feelings.
It blew up into a massive row.
He makes me feel like I'm being unreasonable. The DC (teens) think I'm just being a moody cow.
Bil especially thinks he is a VIP along with FIL who thinks because he hands over the cash then I should wait on him.
DH does help with shopping and cooking but all the cleaning, washing and ironing is down to me.
He was really nasty last night.
He has now told me I am expected at MILs later with the children. I want to tell him to fuck off but then I will be the moody unreasonable wife again.
FUCK!

OP posts:
jgjgjgjgjg · 30/12/2019 16:19

Next year say that you have been finding it a bit too much so whilst you are happy to host, you will need to allocate jobs. So perhaps you two cook and serve the main course on Christmas Day. Everything else, including bringing and serving starters, desserts and nibbles for later in the day, is someone else's responsibility. As is washing up, refilling drinks, setting and clearing the table, etc etc.

Howyiz · 30/12/2019 16:31

So be the moody unreasonable wife! Why would you give a shiny shit what those obnoxious asshole think of you? Next year arrange to have Christmas day at your mother's even if you have to sit on the floor to eat dinner and stay in a hotel.

AlwaysCheddar · 30/12/2019 16:37

Your dh is a shit at the moment, isn’t he. Yanbu.

Quartz2208 · 30/12/2019 16:40

You aren’t being unreasonable so tell him exactly how this makes you feel and that it does make yuh want to leave

He clearly doesn’t do much towards it so doesn’t get the mental load

darndifino · 30/12/2019 16:41

He's got no idea, has he, of the sheer unrelenting slog involved in hosting and catering for that many people.

ultrablue · 30/12/2019 16:41

Hotdogs and burgers

Tistheseason17 · 30/12/2019 16:46

YANBU - I would not go, either.
If he wants the kids there, tell him to bring them and then pour yourself a nice drink and relax in peace :)

phoenixrosehere · 30/12/2019 16:54

Yanbu.

I would tell dh that dcs could take over in your stead and do the jobs that you do (especially with their attitude towards it) and the hosting. I’d leave them to handle it all and see how easy they think it is. I wouldn’t lift one bloody finger. I wouldn’t give a shiny f**k what the in-laws think and tell them that my lovely husband and children offered to let me relax while they hosted. How sweet are they.

No way would I let my husband dictate where he wants me to show up. You are an adult, not a child. You can do what you choose. If he doesn’t like it, too bad. You’ve done more than enough for his family. What f-ing nerve. I wouldn’t be showing up and informing in-laws that I feel under the weather and am staying home.

mbosnz · 30/12/2019 17:01

Expected? Expected?

PMSL.

Expect til the cows come home mate, how dare you treat me like someone you can dictate to, order around and command. I have done more than enough for you and your poxy bloody entitled family for this year, and I am done. And let's be quite clear about something. I am your wife. I am not your chattel. I am not your servant. I am not your staff. I am not your child. I am your equal and you don't ever presume to command me like that again.

CurlyMango · 30/12/2019 17:04

Don’t do it, it’s all the bits that fall through the gap like refilling toilet and tissue holders, clearing away, right jugs, timings and all the sherbang

Spitsandspots · 30/12/2019 17:27

FIL who thinks because he hands over the cash then I should wait on him

So if they like being waited on, when you are there later, smile sweetly and ask MIL where she would like to book for her birthday meal

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