Not sure if I AIBU

[Dignity911]

We have hosted Christmas dinner for the last 12 years. My parents DH parents, Bil, SIL our 3 children and various other family members over the years. Some years it's been 15 people but never any less than 10.

We also do Boxing Day dinner, again not all the people are here but it is always at our house.
Bil and SIL do not have children. They have a nice big house but use their dining room for another purpose so cannot accommodate everyone. Bil also has a high powered job and thinks a lot of himself.

PIL do contribute financial towards food and drink but do absolutely nothing to help out practically (nothing from Bil and SIL) DH and I do all the shopping, preparation, cooking and clearing up. My DM does help out with this.

I'm absolutely shattered. All the lead up to Christmas is down to me. Presents, wrapping etc. I also have to juggle the funds and although we are ok financially it's a strain.

Oh and FIL and BIL are quite arrogant and FIL especially can be quite rude.

So my AIBU and please tell me if I am because I feel like I'm going mad!
DH wanted to host his family again today for a full in roast dinner as MIL birthday. We argued because to be honest I'm fed up with it. I'm tired and I feel like we are taken for granted. DH said he would do everything and it doesn't bother him. But to me that's not the point. I'm sick of hosting and waiting on people, especially as FIL and BIL take it for granted.

We have had a huge argument and DH is saying that I'm being unreasonable and rude to his family. Please can I have some thoughts, am I being a miserable cow or do you think I deserve a break?

You're "expected" at MIL's! Your DH really thinks he's the Lord and Master, doesn't he?

From everything you've posted it really sounds like you've reached a bit of a crossroads. Either you stand up for yourself (and show your teenage DC that self-respect and self-care are important in the process) or you back down to appease your DH and condemn yourself to a lifetime of being taken for granted by him and his family. I think the only way to avoid the latter is to make the decision now that you will not be hosting Christmas next year. Any arguments from relatives simply respond with "after 12 years I think it's someone else's turn" which is completely unarguable really when you think about it and they will look like utter bellends if they try to change your mind.

@MinisterforCheekyFuckery I'm glad I'm not the only one that thinks this way. I have been accused of being 'militant' before now. And even worse (gasp). . . feisty and opinionated. . .

mbosnz IME the word 'militant' tends to be thrown around as an excuse for casual misogyny. If expecting to be treated with the same basic respect as a man would in the same situation makes me militant then fine by me.

They are here. You can't not host them on mils birthday without open rudeness, which would be uncomfortable for your DH
However in July next year make it clear that it is BILs turn to host and ask him.what he is cooking
Then critique the shit out of it

Definitely not unreasonable in fact if it was me I'd offer to host as you did it last week twice .
That's how it works in our family if we host someone else offers next time . It is a lot of with and financially hard too . It's unreasonable to expect someone to always host .
I know of someone who does this not my family but in-laws family who always except offers at Christmas and never ever return the favour just have excuses that room not suitable when really it's they can't be bothered as they know how much work is involved. The invites are drying up because like you people get fed up of constantly hosting and also being expected to host too . I'd tell dh you will host if you get a takeaway and tell guests that they need to contribute as having a takeaway not a roast or go out and again tell dh not paying its to be split .

@hazell42 it sounds like they live quite close by and are back at their home, given that the Great Man himself has driven over, and commanded the little lady to present herself and DC in the near future to pay appropriate fealty. So no, not awkward at all.

OMG it's hit the fan!

Just to clear up. MIL and FIL live nearby as do BIL. DH phoned today and said we were not hosting and he was going to pop over with the children later to give presents. When he got home he said I was expected to go. I tried to explain my feelings and how hurt I was about the things he said last night.
Apparently I am mental and I have no right to criticise his family in any shape or form. I really wanted to sort this out but DH was so nasty. Refused to see it from my point of view.
When I said I refuse to be downtrodden (like mil and SIL although I didn't say that bit) he said I was the least downtrodden person he knew and I'm far too vocal in my opinions.
Earlier we had said the older 2 could go out and they are not back yet and he said it would be embarrassing to just turn up with our youngest as we were all expected. Bil has previously been on the phone complaining that older 2 children were not around.
At no point was he sorry, kind or willing to see my point of view. He said he had spoken to everyone earlier and they all agreed it was far too much for us to host and cook again

So after sobbing in my room and nothing from him apart from "are you coming or what?" I took myself off to the shower and he stormed out with our youngest. He is really making me feel that I am overreacting and now everyone is going to think I am rude.
The ramifications are going to be huge from this. I have no idea what he is going to say to them. Dc will probably think I'm out of order and I keep thinking maybe I should have just gone but I was so upset and frustrated

No! You need some breathing space. Have a bath and get a book or some mind numbing TV on the go.

I think the last straw has triplet snapped and your DH is an arse.

Truely not triplet

OMG you poor thing.

Good on you for standing your ground.

He is bang out of order, how dare he. 'Far too vocal in your opinions?!'

Remember something you said earlier - you were considering leaving him over this.

All sorts of little danger signs there.

However.

You are both very tired and stressed. Have your shower, get in your PJ's, get yourself something simple and yummy to eat, a glass of what you fancy, and maybe put on some Marianne Faithful (showing my age).

Hopefully he can calm the hell down, and be prepared to have a mutually respectful conversation. Because calling someone mental, telling them they have no right to criticise their inlaws (bet he doesn't mute himself on his, telling them they're far too vocal in their opinions - not really conducive to reaching an amicable compromise.

I know it's not very MN, or British - but it's not necessarily the worst sin in the world to be thought rude. You are at the edge of your tolerance, you're exhausted, you're entitled to look after yourself. Especially since H isn't going to. And you're not overreacting. He is. I've seen three year olds throw tantrums like this. And a fair few thirty year olds to be fair. Generally when they weren't given a short sharp lesson at three that this behaviour would profit them not.

Oh, and the older DC? They're not performing poodles neither.

Also - this might just open DC's eyes a bit to how you're not being the moody and unreasonable one - given they're likely to cop it for not making themselves properly available for those on high.

So what if they think you’re rude? Rude is having you host them for 12 years and them barely lifting a finger or asking if they could help. Don’t let your dh guilt you into doing what he wants. You are too upset therefore too ill to make it.

Earlier we had said the older 2 could go out and they are not back yet and he said it would be embarrassing to just turn up with our youngest as we were all expected. Bil has previously been on the phone complaining that older 2 children were not around.

Embarrassing? His behaviour is embarrassing and who cares what BIL says, if he was that concerned with seeing your children, he could have taken them out somewhere. How have you put up with this for the past 12 years?

He said he would do everything 🤷🏻‍♀️ Take yourself off to the spa or whatever .. and pop back in time for dinner or lunch and be a guest in your home .. when all is done go have a bubble bath and relax ...

He did say he would do everything so let him do it

Omg you poor thing 😢

Too vocal in your opinions????

That alone would send me into orbit. Who, the actual fuck, does he think he is?

I've hosted all week for a very appreciative family and am utterly exhausted now, the idea of doing it all again would finish me off if I'm honest. You're so in the right here xx

Expected? Wow I would have expected you to be treated with a minute amount of respect but clearly that isnt happening either

He’s an idiot but it’s probably intensified because of his family’s expectations. If he won’t listen to why you don’t want to do it, even tho everyone agrees you shouldn’t cook and host again, then he’s a double idiot. He can sulk all he wants. How about you stop doing a dammed thing at home and see how he likes running the house and hosting Christmas/Boxing day meals next year. Saying that, I think you should make it known that you aren’t doing my of that shit next year at your house.

Agree with mbosnz, a bit of Broken English on the cd, glass of wine, hot bath and DH can stick it. 12 yrs of hosting.... mental!

I’m mad on your behalf OP. The way you have been treated in this whole situation is outrageous after all those years of hard work. Too vocal?? Expected. Fuck that. There Will be consequences I’m sure. But let’s hope that one of them is some appreciation. You haven’t done anything wrong. Remember that. You don’t have to justify yourself.

I'm sorry, I really am, that all your hard work, generosity, and kindness (and forebearance) to your inlaws, has been treated with such disdain and contempt. You've given all you've got, and that's not been enough, more was required.

Not okay.

I'm far too vocal in my opinions

I am positively raging on your behalf, OP. Your DH sounds like a throwback to the 1950's. How dare you, his wife and therefore his legal property, have the audacity to voice an opinion about how much entertaining you do, in your home. He's clearly a man who is far too used to getting his own way. The fact that he resorted to claiming you're "mental" because you (shock horror) disagreed with him shows he doesn't have a single compelling argument in his favour.

I'm so sorry you've had to put up with this shit

@Dignity911 your H is such an arse, can't believe he's giving you zero support and is bossing you about like a maid. Stand up for yourself, don't back down, otherwise what's next? Moving the PILs in without discussion!! What a dick.

Wow - was your husband born last century? Quite shocking that you are being treated as a drudge and heaven forbid one that 'dared have a point of view'!
He needs to remember he married you - you didn't marry his family!
Everybody should take a turn - if they haven't got a big enough house, they could hire a venue even club together to do it. Hosting is stressful and expensive and clearing up before and after is exhausting.
So glad you e started drawing some lines in the sand.

We're playing Broken English in your honour. . . DH being equally outraged on your behalf. . .