Not sure if I AIBU

[Dignity911]

We have hosted Christmas dinner for the last 12 years. My parents DH parents, Bil, SIL our 3 children and various other family members over the years. Some years it's been 15 people but never any less than 10.

We also do Boxing Day dinner, again not all the people are here but it is always at our house.
Bil and SIL do not have children. They have a nice big house but use their dining room for another purpose so cannot accommodate everyone. Bil also has a high powered job and thinks a lot of himself.

PIL do contribute financial towards food and drink but do absolutely nothing to help out practically (nothing from Bil and SIL) DH and I do all the shopping, preparation, cooking and clearing up. My DM does help out with this.

I'm absolutely shattered. All the lead up to Christmas is down to me. Presents, wrapping etc. I also have to juggle the funds and although we are ok financially it's a strain.

Oh and FIL and BIL are quite arrogant and FIL especially can be quite rude.

So my AIBU and please tell me if I am because I feel like I'm going mad!
DH wanted to host his family again today for a full in roast dinner as MIL birthday. We argued because to be honest I'm fed up with it. I'm tired and I feel like we are taken for granted. DH said he would do everything and it doesn't bother him. But to me that's not the point. I'm sick of hosting and waiting on people, especially as FIL and BIL take it for granted.

We have had a huge argument and DH is saying that I'm being unreasonable and rude to his family. Please can I have some thoughts, am I being a miserable cow or do you think I deserve a break?

You must feel completely ganged up on by your husband and children about this but they are being very unfair to you, unempathetic and self interested and a bit bullying. Do you feel able OP to make a stand tonight about this?

It wouldn't hurt for your in laws to see that it's bothering you and that you are starting to rebel. It also wouldn't hurt for your BIL to feel a bit of obligation to step up and do his share although it may prove impossible.

You are obviously angry and upset about this but you have to reset the boundaries to get real change and that means resisting the bullying and guilt trips you will probably experience from your family. It's also nigh on impossible to effect change in arrogant people so you need to consider your future relationships with your inlaws. I walked away from my arrogant brother who treated me with a mixture of complete indifference and contempt. I was unable to change his attitude towards me and in the end had little to lose. I hope you fare better.

Can't believe 5% of posters think you're being unreasonable, must be his family voting 😳

I have this when ever we are at my Parents the same time as my Brother's family. They will not lift a finger, not even to look after there own kids and it seems my DH gets sucked in to that way of thinking while around them. It's got to the point now I've said we will only pop in to see them at Christmas and not spend the day together. They can't see the problem, probably because they have a lovely time watching tele, being served lunch and tea and drinks by myself and my mum, who would do it all alone if I didn't help her.
It's pure selfishness to not even offer to help.
You are not being unreasonable OP.

There are so many issues here it is hard to sort through them all. 1. Why do you do everything? Is it because DH sits back and lets you? Or are you one of those women who doesnt let him do anything because he doesnt do it the way you would? In either case, I dont see why you should be doing everything. 2. If the finance thing bothers you, ask people to bring something like a prepared dish. I agree it is thoughtless of them not to offer. 3. If you dont like these people, is it just you? If so, could you take a back seat when they are over? And do you need to have people over on consecutive days?

If your DH wants to treat his mother to a meal for her birthday why doesn't he book a table in a restaurant. There is no reason you should always host. It sounds as though you need a rest!

Well at first I was going to suggest you develop a bad back in the run up to Christmas. Bad backs are agony so you wouldn't be able to do anything. However after reading your updates I'm wondering why you're putting up with your husband and this shit. I also don't think your children really do think you're being unreasonable, otherwise they wouldn't have stayed out. Is your husband always such an asshole? If it's just at Christmas then talk to him after New Year but if he's always like this I would question why you're still with him.

No chance love. This is your house, your time and your choice. Nope. Stick to your guns.

Sounds like he's trying to put you in your place and doesn't like it when the little woman gets ideas in her head

Stand your ground. Show your kids your not a doormat. This is a chance to teach them an important life lesson about marriage.

I'd just send your MIL a text, wish her happy birthday, plead a bad headache and need for an early night hence not being there & leave it at that. I'm sure it'll blow over & won't turn into big ongoing issue. And then think on how to deal with your DH... no need to make any rash decisions, and hopefully he'll realize he has been an arse & will apologize

Is he a relic from the Victorian era?

I feel sorry for you it isn't fair. I'm concerned your kids don't see it.

He sounds absolutely awful OP. As ungrateful as the rest of his selfish family. YANBU!

I agree there is more than one issue here.

Firstly, and crucially, WHY have you hosted for 12 years? TBH, once something has been happening that long, then there is a certain expectation. Everyone has got out of the habit of saying 'Who is going to be where on Christmas Day?' and therefore (obviously a different person) hosting for Boxing Day.

Secondly, why are you always spending both days with his family ?

The whole issue of him not being able to listen to what you are feeling - quite frankly, he should be able to listen to you and acknowledge your feelings even if they weren't reasonable (which clearly they are).

I can’t get past the comment that he thinks you are “too vocal in your opinions” dear me!

Good for you for standing up for yourself. Be consistent, you are not being UR. Sounds like your not so dh, likes basking in his own glory of front house hosting, leaving you to do the drudge work. Why do you not deserve a say in how your life plays out?? He is being a sexist arse. Remain strong, consistent and trust your conviction.

Is there some sort of cultural dimension here, OP?

It seems very odd to me for the extended family to be living in each other’s pockets in this way. The third major meal spent together in less than five days?

The ‘too vocal with your opinions’ also strikes a note of toxic patriarchy, like you are not sufficiently servile to your lord and master!
You need to get even more vocal!

Put you foot down and remind him he is not the Lord of the manor.
The you are expected bit, would have me seething.

Thank you for all your advice and comments.
I really appreciate it as I did start to think that maybe I was overreacting.

DH came home after a few hours and was over the top nice to me. Apparently BIL was in a strange mood and even text my older children to ask if they were going over.
I think he most probably was angry that things had not gone to plan and he wasn't sat at our house being waited on.
I had spoken to the eldest about what had gone on. He said he understands and as he is getting older he sees things differently and can relate to me.

Just to clear up a few things
My parents live quite far away and Have nobody to spend Christmas with. They have always come Christmas and although sometimes this is a bit of a strain they do help out. DH parents are near and it's just always been that way that we host. Probably so the children have their grandparents here and they enjoy seeing them.
Now they are all quite elderly I cannot see it changing and although my mum often offers to host her house is quite small and DH wouldn't be happy leaving his parents.
Bil has a job where sometimes he is away At Christmas. If this happens SIL goes to her family.
But he has spent the majority of Christmas days here.
I think the BIL grates me the most and the fact everyone panders to him.

DH does do a lot with regards to shopping, cooking and cleaning up. Although his family are quite wealthy they are not very clean and tidy so DH isn't really bothered about housework. I like a clean and tidy home which is why these things are left to me. If I didn't do it it wouldn't get done.

I started this thread as I wasn't sure if I was being unreasonable about hosting again and it gave me the strength to put my foot down. I am going to try and have a chat with DH today and sort this all out as I really feel like my feelings are not important and he would rather upset me than upset the in laws.
I don't want him to fall out with them but I do think we shouldn't be as available to them anymore. We are taken for granted and especially with hosting occasions and family visiting.

Oh and apparently BIL was rude to my youngest because she didn't ask how SIls family were ( she has met them once) I think he was just kicking off because last night didn't go to his plan.

Your brother in law sounds like a complete knob. My new year's resolution would be to think of ingenious ways to avoid seeing him in 2020!

DH came home after a few hours and was over the top nice to me

Does being 'over the top nice' include assurances that things are going to change and of course you're entitled to a break from hosting next year after running round after his family for 12 consecutive Christmases? If not then it's meaningless. He probably thinks that now you've said your piece, all he has to do is turn on the charm for a few days and you'll be able to forget about the whole thing and move on. The thing is, if you do that you can bet your bottom dollar next Christmas will be exactly the same. And the Christmas after that and so on. You need to stand your ground and make it clear that yesterday wasn't just a strop, you really mean it.

If you're still together next Christmas, either take yourself to your parents, or book yourself into a nice quiet hotel.

Oh don't worry he isn't off the hook. A serious discussion is going to take place. The problem is that he just doesn't get how it makes me feel.
Because he doesn't mind he thinks I shouldn't.
And I just don't know how to articulate it.

I spoke to youngest today about BIL and she said that her and her dad just laugh at him and I shouldn't let it bother m, but it just grates.
In 19 years of marriage we have been to BILs once for a bbq.
That is the total amount of hosting he has ever done and even then it was SIL who did everything and I helped clear up!
Children do not like going to in laws house as it is so disorganised and not very clean.
But something has to change because I'm not being a slave to them anymore.

Obvs: next year, go to hotel/restaurant/pub. Everyone pays their own way. Sit as far away as possible from knob BIL or any other toxic individual. At end, everyone goes home, to their own house. If BIL doesn’t like it, he can stuff it.

Discussing this with DS today. We have a pleasant low key Xmas. DP, DS, DD at home. On Boxing Day D.C. go to their father’s. There is this mythical idea of the large family gathering, parents, Gr parents, uncles, cousins all in familial communion.
Reality: uncles right wing/racist/alcoholic, in laws toxic, no one helps the hostess, no one brings much or adequate food, children are feral.
Who needs this?

I'm not being a slave to them anymore

Bravo OP - a great resolution for 2020 and beyond!

Beat way is to stick with I

I’m upset because
I don’t want to because
I hate it when

Keep it about your feelings