Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be dreading staying with in-laws?

55 replies

VeryFrequentNameChanger · 30/12/2019 02:16

Would it be unreasonable to expect in-laws to do some (minimal) baby-proofing if they want us to come and stay with them?

DS is just over a year old, very mobile (walking proficiently) and loves doing anything he shouldn't. He rarely follows instructions when I tell him not to touch something - if anything, it seems to encourage him. We try to get him to follow instructions but know he's probably a bit young for that and just try to keep the rooms he is in at home fairly safe.

We went to stay with my family over Christmas. They are fairly minimalist and did some baby-proofing (eg stairgates) which meant that I could relax whilst I was there.

The in-laws have asked us to come and stay with them for a couple of days and it seems mean not to when we have just been to visit my parents, but the in-laws' house is full of clutter and they don't seem to do anything in preparation for us coming over.

I don't know how to put this into words but they also just seem to be lacking in common sense a lot of the time. Last time we went over I ended up with a small piece of glass about the size of a fingernail in my mouth because MIL had seen this random piece of glass somewhere in the house, put it on the kitchen counter and then it accidentally ended up in the food. I don't know why she hadn't just put it in the bin?? I was lucky that it didn't cut my mouth and I spat it out. They also drink endless cups of hot tea and I get nervous that they will leave them in places DS can reach or spill them on him. I can't remember exactly what is in their living room but from memory it is chock-full of ornaments etc. and I don't think they would think of moving them out the way. They are the type to go on about "health and safety gone mad" every time I see them so I expect any requests to maybe make one room a little less cluttered (eg moving all the tiny coffee tables that DS will pull over) would go down like a lead balloon.

I'd love it if they would come to stay with us instead but DH has said they wouldn't want to do that (I'm not clear why). We also cannot visit for a day this time apparently because FIL has some alcohol that he wants to share with DH without having to give us a life back to the station so it has to be at least a couple of days. I could suggest us getting a taxi but from speaking to them I think they are dead keen on the idea of us coming for a couple of days 🤷‍♀️

What should I do? I expect I just have to suck this up and do it even though it's going to be incredibly stressful trying to get DS to behave in their home. I'm back at work now so don't really want to spend my time off chasing a toddler around an unsafe room. Is there anything I can realistically do here that would be socially acceptable?

OP posts:
Original poster
VeryFrequentNameChanger · 30/12/2019 02:24
  • lift back to the station Not "life back to the station"
OP posts:
managedmis · 30/12/2019 02:27

Sounds awful, you'll never sit still watching him.

Ask your DH again why they can't come to you?

I know that age and it's hard work as it is, without a house being baby proofed!

Notajogger · 30/12/2019 02:29

Doesn't sound like there's much you can do except make it crystal clear to DH that he will be doing as much if not more of the running around than you!
Can you suggest trips out when you're there, even if just the odd walk, to give yourself a bit of a break from the worry & tire DC out a bit?

StoppinBy · 30/12/2019 02:35

My PIL's house (and them) are just like this. It is really stressful visiting. My husband used to piss off up to the shed with his Dad, in the end I put my foot down, if he wanted to visit then he was responsible for watching our kids and not leaving me to do it. He quickly realised how stressful it is and we visit a lot less now and both watch the kids when we do visit.

Pixxie7 · 30/12/2019 02:44

Have you told them of your concerns?

Italiangreyhound · 30/12/2019 03:06

I'd persoally tell DH I am not happy and if anything happens to ds it'll be the last time.

I think it'd be useful to take a collapsible play pen and pop your little one in that for a few periods of time to give yourself a small break. Especially when hot drinks are on offer. You might even but a fay cups with lids that are safe and ask for hot drinks to be in these.

If your ds does end up knocking over a small table and smashing an ornament then I'd use that as a definite reason not to go there again until your dh is older.

Sounds like your dh doesn't take your concerns seriously.

I would be fuming about the piece of glass in my mouth! Thanks

Italiangreyhound · 30/12/2019 03:07

a few not a fay

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/12/2019 03:08

YANBU at all.
Every year I take my boys back to the UK and stay at my Dad's house. It's also full of ornaments and stuff, much of which is fragile, although most of it is not that dangerous, but Dad would be upset if it got broken/damaged.

When DS2 was under 3, he was very difficult to cope with in terms of not touching things that interested him. Dad seemed unable to comprehend this, as "he should just do what you tell him" Hmm - yeah, ok Dad, that really works with toddlers. Thing was, DS2 was his youngest grandchild so he'd been through it before with others; but somehow it was MY failure to keep DS2 from touching stuff, not Dad's failure to keep his own stuff safe.

After the 18mo visit, the next one was a bit better as Dad did realise that DS2 couldn't "just be told" - but there was still a lot of recrimination aimed in my general direction, much of it in a passive aggressive fashion of "I feel sorry for you, he's very difficult, isn't he, you don't seem able to get him to do what you tell him" which made me even crosser!

So no, YANBU. If people care more about their stuff than their tiny relatives, then that's their problem - if it gets damaged, that's their problem. The only thing I would recommend is that you get a large travel cot and use it like a playpen for your baby if your ILs absolutely won't accommodate his needs.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/12/2019 03:09

"If your ds does end up knocking over a small table and smashing an ornament then I'd use that as a definite reason not to go there again until your dh is older."

LOVE this typo from Italiangreyhound! Xmas Grin

alexdgr8 · 30/12/2019 03:12

your child's health and well-being come first, which you are responsible for, with your husband.
your child is totally dependent on you to keep him safe.
he is very vulnerable, moreso now that he is mobile.
a one years child cannot follow instructions, or behave carefully.
you nearly came to harm there and you are adult.
do not stay there.

make any excuse or give real reason. but do not sacrifice your infant child's safety on the altar of family expectations, being polite etc.
there's no equivalence. it doesn't add up.

Ozgirl75 · 30/12/2019 03:13

My parents house is a bit like this, not loads of stuff but more than a walking 1 year old could ignore. My parents also did the “we just told you not to touch and you didn’t” Hmm which I can’t quite believe.

Anyway, first time we went when my son was crawling and pulling up and as they refused to believe he wouldn’t just do as he was told (9 months old) so I just left him to it. He broke two small model cars, pulled the tassels off the edge of a rug and pulled up a selection of small plants from the garden.

Next time things were rearranged a bit and they changed their tune!

everythingbackbutyou · 30/12/2019 03:15

Gives me such rage when babies and toddlers are acting completely developmentally appropriately and exploring their environment and adults comment on them being "difficult", "noisy", "not listening" etc. They are supposed to be all of those things if they are developing healthily. Some adults mistake young children for robots who are malfunctioning. Fancy not doing what they're told.

Italiangreyhound · 30/12/2019 03:25

ThumbWitchesAbroad just spotted the typo!

Vafanculo · 30/12/2019 03:37

Let him loose and see if they don't suddenly decide to declutter while their prized giraffe ornament gets smashed.

BasiliskStare · 30/12/2019 03:51

DS had a swig of whisky at about 18 months because FIL left it on the floor - he ( DS) survived ( well because I was doing man to man marking ) If things are broken well - should have put them on a higher shelf etc. ( My DS never broke anything as I would say - can we just put this up a bit higher ) or indeed can we just put something over the sharp edges of the coffee table By definition DPILs have had children so not that hard to speak to them about this kind of thing.

I do think normal nice people and just speaking goes a long way

Blondebakingmumma · 30/12/2019 04:12

Leave DH in charge of your son and he can raise the issue with his parents if it’s a problem. I’d let him brake a few things and then hopefully your PIL will babyproof or you may not be invited back

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 30/12/2019 04:15

Have you been very clear snippy your concerns to DH? Can you take your own stair gate etc...?

Toppedtoo12 · 30/12/2019 04:18

Tell ur DH it’s wholly and solely his responsibilities to ensure your baby is safe . That you won’t stress yourself out babysitting in a hazardous house . Only he can ensure that things are right for a one year old in the house and perhaps move some of the ornaments or put in a stair gate or whatever is needed because it is HIS parents home .

Plus I’m sure he would like to ensure you’re comfortable to visit again in the future .

Certainly go there but tell him in no uncertain terms that ensuring your child is safe in the house is his responsibility you aren’t going to wind yourself up trying to rescue the toddler every 5 secs

Vulpine · 30/12/2019 04:19

I'm assuming your dh was brought up in a similar environment and he survived Hmm

Weenurse · 30/12/2019 05:02

Do you have a travel cot?
Are you driving or taking public transport?
Do they have somewhere for DC to sleep?
Mi PIL complained that we never stayed with them when we went home for Christmas, but they had no baby gear.
DM had cots, change tables, car seats etc so it was easier to stay with her.
This changed as DC got older

PapayaCoconut · 30/12/2019 05:14

I'm assuming your dh was brought up in a similar environment and he survived

My older DSis doesn't even remember how to hold a baby safely and her children are 8, not 30-something... People forget.

Your PiLs sound like mine regarding the ornaments. It's like a game when we're at their house: I take frilly table cloths and tall candle sticks off the coffee table every time DD pulls them down and MIL puts them back as soon as I look away.

Cantdoleft · 30/12/2019 05:59

I'm assuming your dh was brought up in a similar environment and he survived

This.

“Baby proofing” and making rooms safe is a fairly new concept. People really did just teach their kids not to touch. Stuff they shouldn’t touch. It work for millions of years and still does in a huge percentage of the world (you think people in shanties in Brazil or Africa are moving things that might be dangerous)

My kids are 14 and 10. We didn’t move anything at ours or any of the family houses or gardens, we just taught them that “no” or “stop” meant exactly that. Also a very useful tool for when out and about round traffic etc.

Don’t expect other people to baby proof an environment. Expect your kid to do as they are told.

Anyone saying toddlers don’t understand if taught properly is wrong - sorry (learning difficulties excluded)

frazzledasarock · 30/12/2019 06:09

To be fair if your DH is going to spend his time at is parents getting posed whilst you chase after your toddler trying to ensure he doesn’t wreak havoc I’d be as reluctant to go visit overnight as well.

Tell your DH he’s in charge of your toddler, and leave him to watch his child.

BabyEI · 30/12/2019 06:25

Speak to your PIL's about your concerns.
Developmentally a twelve month old baby is not able to understand 'do not touch', but they can begin to understand 'no' if the no is accompanied by removing the baby from the scene, or removing the dangerous object from the baby's reach.

thickwoollytights · 30/12/2019 06:29

He quickly realised how stressful it is and we visit a lot less now and both watch the kids when we do visit.

This is the answer imo - unless they can come to you or unless your DH goes alone