To be dreading staying with in-laws?

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Would it be unreasonable to expect in-laws to do some (minimal) baby-proofing if they want us to come and stay with them?

DS is just over a year old, very mobile (walking proficiently) and loves doing anything he shouldn't. He rarely follows instructions when I tell him not to touch something - if anything, it seems to encourage him. We try to get him to follow instructions but know he's probably a bit young for that and just try to keep the rooms he is in at home fairly safe.

We went to stay with my family over Christmas. They are fairly minimalist and did some baby-proofing (eg stairgates) which meant that I could relax whilst I was there.

The in-laws have asked us to come and stay with them for a couple of days and it seems mean not to when we have just been to visit my parents, but the in-laws' house is full of clutter and they don't seem to do anything in preparation for us coming over.

I don't know how to put this into words but they also just seem to be lacking in common sense a lot of the time. Last time we went over I ended up with a small piece of glass about the size of a fingernail in my mouth because MIL had seen this random piece of glass somewhere in the house, put it on the kitchen counter and then it accidentally ended up in the food. I don't know why she hadn't just put it in the bin?? I was lucky that it didn't cut my mouth and I spat it out. They also drink endless cups of hot tea and I get nervous that they will leave them in places DS can reach or spill them on him. I can't remember exactly what is in their living room but from memory it is chock-full of ornaments etc. and I don't think they would think of moving them out the way. They are the type to go on about "health and safety gone mad" every time I see them so I expect any requests to maybe make one room a little less cluttered (eg moving all the tiny coffee tables that DS will pull over) would go down like a lead balloon.

I'd love it if they would come to stay with us instead but DH has said they wouldn't want to do that (I'm not clear why). We also cannot visit for a day this time apparently because FIL has some alcohol that he wants to share with DH without having to give us a life back to the station so it has to be at least a couple of days. I could suggest us getting a taxi but from speaking to them I think they are dead keen on the idea of us coming for a couple of days 🤷‍♀️

What should I do? I expect I just have to suck this up and do it even though it's going to be incredibly stressful trying to get DS to behave in their home. I'm back at work now so don't really want to spend my time off chasing a toddler around an unsafe room. Is there anything I can realistically do here that would be socially acceptable?

How can you eat there again after fi ding glass in your food. Speak up if not for your sake then your kids sake

I don't think I'd ever go for more than a brief visit after having glass in my food. I'd certainly never want to eat or drink anything there. It sounds like they live in a midden.

The glass in the food would be a red flag for me as that's just awful health and safety, and food hygiene. I think for me its about weighing up risk so if I take DD to visit DP who dont baby proof and she pulls things off tables, gets into cupboard or whatever then that's just a consequence of their attitude.. however, I will pick up and move hot drinks. I also baby sign so DD knows if something is hot and she shouldn't touch it. I remember DF laughing when we put up stair gates because "the worse that will happen will be she falls down some stairs"....DD was 10 months ffs.

It took my dad 3 visits to remember to pick up all his diabetes medication and needles off the floor. Whenever I'm there it's completely exhausting. I only stay for 2 nights maximum. I can't ever sit down. My brother had to take my son on a walk just so I could pack. I don't expect him to babyproof in terms of gates etc but things like moving needles and medication out of reach yes.

it. I remember DF laughing when we put up stair gates because "the worse that will happen will be she falls down some stairs"....DD was 10 months ffs.

I agree with you df to be honest. Children have survived for millions of years and still do all over the world whilst growing up with an understanding of risk and safe and unsafe behaviours.

Taking risk away just leads to people who are unable to take responsibility for themselves

Yes, been through all of this "they have to learn" crap with my own in laws. Its ignorance and I wish I'd been more assertive at the time. They used to leave hot coffees and tablets (medicine) everywhere, sharp glass nicky nacks everywhere, open gas fire with no guard, left front door open etc etc. It was a living nightmare for days on end following every step my toddler made. I wish I had said "look, we're not coming unless you childproof your house".

My parents refused to put in baby gates. So we taught then how to go downstairs backwards when crawling and goung down on their bums when walking. I was really against the idea at first but it worked amazingly and meant we could leave them safely anywhere we stairs. None if their 6 grandchildren ever got hurt and we all stayed over/visited lots.

Sorry for typos!

"I agree with you df to be honest. Children have survived for millions of years and still do all over the world whilst growing up with an understanding of risk and safe and unsafe behaviours.
"Taking risk away just leads to people who are unable to take responsibility for themselves"

Don't worry, you crack on and let your toddler learn about stairs by falling down them, while the rest of us use stair gates

My parents also did the “we just told you not to touch and you didn’t” hmm which I can’t quite believe.

We did that with our two. If you childproof your own home too much it becomes almost impossible to take them anywhere that isn't childproof.

Real dangers were kept out of the boys' way but they learned not to pull at tables and cups. Or to touch electrical things like the TV.

I used to follow my oldest round my Mums house moving things up higher when he was a toddler. She used to put them down and I put them up. She only did this for a day then figured it out.
She then moved all her precious ornaments onto the higher shelf and put more sturdy ones on a shelf he could reach, and said it didn't matter if they chipped or broke. He used to spend ages moving them about and rearranging them on the shelf. Never broke any, chipped a couple. But it was a good experience for him.
Dh was bad at leaving stuff around. So I put a couple of his magazines on the coffee table and let Ds2 rip them a little, he got the message pretty quick, Put stuff away if you want to keep it.
Move stuff yourself.

I would plan your visit carefully. Arrive after lunch and either leave before lunch the next day or suggest you all go out to lunch.
Is there a park or soft play area near their house? A visit there in the afternoon should waste a few hours out of the hour and tire ds out a bit.
When in the house presumably they’ll be 4 adults to watch your ds? Shut doors to the rooms he’s in so he cannot go up the stairs.
Anything he reaches for that he shouldn’t just move away to a high shelf.
Take toys for him to keep him entertained. It will really only be one short afternoon and evening and a morning.

There’s baby proofing and there’s making your home welcome for a baby. We didn’t use stair gates (we did the backwards crawling thing) but we didn’t leave Knick knacks about the place and small breakable things for him to mouth because of common sense and not wanting to have to follow him around constantly saying no all the time.

By the time the second one comes along you can’t control the risk as much anyway, but as people above have said - there’s baby proofing and there’s making your home a pleasant place to visit without medicine and glass objects around the place for them to be curious about.

Basically I didn’t want to be the mum constantly on at my kid and saying no to everything he wanted to explore.

Thanks everyone who has responded so far. It's nice to see I'm not being totally unreasonable.

I'm not expecting them to get stairgates as we can make do with shutting doors, it's more the little things like moving objects out of the way etc.

This will probably sound incredibly petty but last time we visited the carpet in their snug living room was really quite dirty from people traipsing in through the garden (there are patio doors from the snug to the garden) and they hadn't vacuumed so I spent a lot of the visit trying to stop DS from putting bits of dried dirt into his mouth. DS was only sitting and crawling at that stage and if I had been in their position I would have thought about the floor because that is where he would be sitting and playing. It wasn't the biggest deal in the world but just felt to me like they hadn't really thought about DS.

"Health and safety gone mad" is one of FIL's favourite topics. Last time he moaned almost constantly because he was supposed to pick us all up from the train station, but one of the car seatbelts wasn't working so DH got the bus. He arrived a little later but FIL thinks DH should have just got in the car without a seatbelt. So I just know any suggestion of changing anything for the sake of safety will go down very badly.

DH is an older father (late 40s) with older parents (late 80s) so they have said that they cannot really remember what DH was like when he was younger and I am almost certain PIL will both be saying "Why can't you just tell him to stop?" which will make me feel like a shit parent on top of the stress of trying to keep DS from hurting himself.

DH is very protective of DS and shares my concerns but I think he feels obliged to do this, especially as PIL are getting so old now and are not in the best of health. I do find it frustrating though that he was freaking out at the thought of taking DS to my parents, asking me to check that their TV was secure and couldn't be pulled over (he forgot that it is wall-mounted) but will he be asking the same questions of his parents?

Last time he moaned almost constantly because he was supposed to pick us all up from the train station, but one of the car seatbelts wasn't working so DH got the bus

Unless the bus had seatbelts, I am struggling with the logic here.

Sometimes you have to asses the likely risk of doing something, and I would have taken the lift.

Maybe because it’s against the law to not have a seatbelt on in a car??? Buses are definitely safer as a passenger.

It sounds more like a hygiene thing and I’d be getting DH to hoover on arrival to get the point across. I wouldn’t expect them to childproof, just say no your dc. Equally plenty of children crawl around in the garden with no harm coming to them.

I think this is one of those occasions as a parent where you need to put your child’s best interests first. That means a clear and honest discussion with his parents about child proofing - explain exactly what needs to happen and if they say no then don’t go. You don’t need to be angry or mean about it - just explain he is into everything and so they need to make at least one room child proof , move tables and breakables etc and that you will bring toys , playmats and stair gates for the door and stairs. Tell them that you will take what you can to help - I wouldn’t expect them to buy stair gates etc. Also tell them that they will need to be very vigilant with hot food and drinks. Ideally your husband would have this conversation.

You need to put your son’s needs first but give them the opportunity to address the issue rather than just saying you won’t go without even asking them to make the changes your son needs to be safe.

Good luck

I agree with you df to be honest. Children have survived for millions of years and still do all over the world whilst growing up with an understanding of risk and safe and unsafe behaviours.

Most have survived, some have died. It's like with childbirth. Most natural thing in the world. Dying in childbirth is also natural, but we try to prevent it.

I think staying with others when you have toddlers is exhausting because people have habits they don't realise pose a risk and you have to be one step ahead all the time. Some examples:

FIL has a habit of popping his medication out of the blister pack and leaving it on the coffee table "to take later". He also leaves his old hearing aid batteries lying around in various places when he's put in new ones.

MIL starts cooking as soon as she gets up and leaves the food out until lunchtime. She only microwaves it for about 30 seconds to warm it slightly. (Which doesn't kill bacteria.)

Broken glass in food could have led to a serious injury, I wouldn't be eating round there again never mind anything else. Is definitely plan the visit to minimise time spent just sitting around with a bored toddler.

With reference to the "just tell him not to" thing - this worked (mostly) with my eldest child. My second child viewed it as a challenge.
I do know the exhaustion of following a toddler round who wants to push, pull, grab, chew and throw everything they can possibly get to. Your DH really has to step up here, he talks to his parents and he becomes chief toddler guardian while you're there.
The alternative is you just don't go.

Do what any normal parent does, and look after your child! No one can "relax" with a one year old when they are visiting someone, but that's why playpen have been invented.

The broken glass in the food is bonkers.

I have never put any stair gate in my house, never had to, and felt they were more dangerous than anything. None of my kids ever fell down the stairs, but I know someone who wasn't happy when they visited. Just.. keep an eye on your own child.

Make sure DH is there to supervise the whole time. You can go and get pissed with FIL

Agree that your DH needs to either speak to his parents or become chief toddler supervisor while you’re there. He doesn’t need to get them to babyproof themselves, he can whizz round moving stuff and hoovering when you get there.

@Cantdoleft one of my friends had the same thoughts as you until as a fully grown adult she herself fell down the stairs and injured herself quite badly, she had toddlers at the time and you can bet they immediately put baby gates up on their stairs.